Merry Christmas!!

Hey Buddy!

Merry Christmas to you, Grandma, and Silvie! You all are celebrating Christmas in heaven this year and that makes me so happy. I know that you guys are having the time of your lives up there. I can't help but think what you guys are up to in heaven and how they celebrate Christmas. Jesus I know is making it extra special up there. Do you have pasta, Gram's broccoli and noodles (to die for), cookies, and since it is a special occasion- mama says you can have a sip of wine. Only a sip and don't tell daddy!

I am sorry Frankie that I didn't come to visit you today. I try to stay strong for everyone in the family every other day. But today I can't. I am so sad that you are not here with us. I wanted this holiday season to be different because you are supposed to be here with us. I guess I will give heaven the cutest, most amazing, playful, and strong boy. Did I mention you are the cutest baby on the face of this earth? I tell you that every single day.

For Christmas we received so many gifts that have meaning of you. A key chain for Daddy and a Pandora charm for mommy that has you sweet face on it . I will wear it every day and smile and think of you. Love you so much my pretty angel! Everyone LOVED your gift to them. It was so special and was a hit, just like you! Such a short time you were with us but the memories your footprints made will be with many people forever.

Mommy wanted to thank you for the gift that you got me, wink wink. No amount of money would be able to give me that but you did. I feel so very blessed to have met you baby. It means so much to me and I have never been more excited for something in my life. Mommy is doing great and I know you are ok because I feel like that was a sign from you to tell me that you are ok. Thank you so very much sweet boy.

I want you to know that even though you are not here with us, I have been thinking about you non stop the past few days. If Frankie was here, we would be doing ______. Examples- taking pictures in your cute as hell Christmas clothes, Nona and Papa snuggles, playing on the carpet over Nana and Tata's with your cousins, going with us to look at lights and hearing you laugh in the back seat. If you were lucky enough to ride in the car with us, I would sit in the back seat with you and point all the lights out to you and explain things. Or lets be real and say I would drive and Daddy would be in the back seat with you. If we let him drive Frankie, we would never ever make it home :)

Love you so much Frank P. Cirillo IV. I am sorry that I didn't come today but will you know that I am spending this entire day on the couch thinking about you. Mom and Dad love you so much and thank you for giving us the best gift ever- 6 days with the best thing that has ever happened to us. Love you~
Mommy

Letter 10

Frankie,

It is your form of "witching hour" here at home as dad calls it! I was thinking about you as I usually am around this time of the morning and I actually enjoy coming down to a quiet living room to write you a letter. Dad doesn't like me getting out of bed but I think it is my one thing I enjoy on Sunday mornings because I sleep in.

What is new here with us... We had a busy week at work. I have been having a crazy time at work. Then the weekends have been nuts here. We would be taking you to so many parties and I know people would just love you to pieces! Tomorrow I am going to go Christmas shopping for dad. We have some great ideas for him this year. Don't worry, I will have the perfect little gift for him from you. Mom has been feeling better and I think my body has been resetting itself to prepare for you to be a big brother.

The main reason that I wanted to write to you tonight is because we have a baby Brady who is out there really sick. He had a lot of problems that you had when you were born and he is going to have surgery to fix it on Monday. Can you please keep an extra close eye on Brady for me? Thanks buddy, we really appreciate all of your hard work. All of your August cousins are feeling better and you have been doing so wonderful with that!

Love you buddy! We will be seeing you in a few short hours. This is the best part of the week for Mommy and Daddy every week. Get some sleep and see you soon!

Mom

Letter 9

12/11/12

Frankie P.!!

How is my favorite little guy doing? The few nurses we really liked in the NICU called you Frankie P and I just randomly thought of it tonight. Are you staying warm, winter is here and it has been getting really cold. Life is good but would better with you here buddy.

Mom and Dad have been up to business as usual, can I tell you what we have been up to? First, lots of people have been asking about you at work and I tell them about my angel and my face lights up every single time. On Saturday, we went Christmas shopping for everyone. We bought Nona and Papa gifts, Aunt Manda/ Uncle JJ, Nana and Tata, cousins- Vi, Vince, Casey, and Tyler, Uncle Brian and Aunt Mo, and a few odds and ends. It was fun and we found a few things I would have bought for you. Cute as hell (CAH as dad says) clothes and toys that would be perfect for you. We did a great job and got most of our shopping done.

I have been getting lots of gifts from your August Aunts and cousins. They are so perfect and I love coming home every night to a gift. I have some pretty angels for a shelf in the nursery, ornaments for the tree, jewelery, snacks, and fun things for Mom and Dad. What a great group of ladies I have there. They rock something fierce! All of the gifts have one common theme involved, they all remind me of you!

I know you have been really busy lately and I know i told you on Sunday but thank you for watching over all the sick babies. There has been so many of them and I know you have to be working some overtime to get it all done. Thank you for that and their mommies are so appreciative of angel Frankie. I hope you are able to take time away from monitoring up there to read this new letter.

Last week you went on a date with mommy and her other August Aunts and cousins. You met baby Hope, Baby Mason, Baby Noah, and Baby Roo and you hung out again. You met Aunt Kendra, Aunt Eva, Aunt Deanna, and Aunt Ashley. It was so much fun and we had such a great time! I have a cute picture to go along with it that I want to share with you here.

Lots of people are thinking of you here. Nana and Tata have your name engraved under the St. Peter statue in the basement at the church. We are going to go with them and check it out soon and I will post a picture for you to see. See how special you are! Everyone loves Frankie so very much!

I love you Frankie P! Miss you so much and think about you ummmm about every 3 minutes (no kidding there, all truth)! Love you and tell Grandma hello and thank you from Mom and Dad. Also thanks again for all of your hard work this week, we all appreciate it!

Mommy

Letter 8

Hi Pal,

How are you? We miss you so much and I have been thinking about you a ton with the holidays coming and all. I think about all the cute little clothes I would be dressing you in, the great pictures I would be snapping of you, and going through your first Christmas here in my arms. Even though you are not here, I still allow myself to be able to experience all of these things. In our minds, you want to be here with us and I don't stop allowing myself to enjoy things just because you are not here for us to celebrate with you.

We had the best weekend last weekend with Nona and Papa, Nana and Tata, and all of your aunts and uncles. They loved your little picture that we have up of you on the back wall. I hope you don't mind but as I am receiving gifts from my August friends and moms, I am sending them a picture of you to put up for their baby. That way you are able to watch over them and keep them safe. You are everywhere right now and so many people keep telling me what an adorable baby you are! The best line that we keep saying is "he is the best parts of me and the best parts of Frank to make one beautiful baby"! I look at your picture and say yes you are so right each time I hear this and that is at least 3 times a week from someone else I want you to know!

We took Christmas pictures a few weeks ago. I am going to be mailing them out this week. I hope everyone loves them! We found the cutest way to incorporate you into the pictures! Once they are all mailed out, I will post the pictures on here so you can see. You are toots adorbs buddy!!

Daddy had the best birthday weekend. He even loved the gift that you got him today. It was perfect and I made him wait in the car while I got everything situated. He walked up and loved it! I am going to include the pictures below. We went to see his movie yesterday (James Bond), went to the bookstore to buy books, and then went out to dinner at Magiannos with Aunt Manda and Uncle JJ. We had so much fun! Your cute cousins Violet, Vince, and Casey sang into the phone happy birthday to Daddy. Cutest message to listen to E.V.E.R.! It melted his heart and mine too. We love those kids so much! Today I put out the rest of the Christmas decorations. We got a new tree, it is so pretty! I even have a few ornaments on the tree that my August moms sent me for you! I am including a picture for you to see!

I will tell you about it soon when I go upstairs to say goodnight to you but Mommy and Nona are having the same dreams. It is so cool but the same dreams about your future sibling(s). I can't begin to tell you how happy these dreams make me!

This week nothing really too exciting happening. For us, no news is good news! Daddy is feeling much better and Mommy saw the new Dr and specialist last week to get my body fixed up. On Tuesday, you are going to meet some new friends from the August group. Are you soooo excited? Mom can't wait and I am sure you can't either! The Christmas parties are starting this coming weekend and I am sure everyone will be telling us how great you are!

We love you so much! Miss you more then you know. We are sending you kisses and snuggles. Love you to the moon and back!

Mommy and Daddy

                                    Our new tree! Soooo pretty!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

 

 Close up of the sign we made Daddy!

Our angel...

 

Mommy's letter she wrote you for the balloon event.

 The most festive one around! We love it!

Letter 8

11/24/12

Hi Frankie,

Happy another day older! Mom is up during your delivery time and I thought I would write you a letter. I was thinking about you as I usually do during this time of the night. One day I will be able to sleep through the night and think of you with a smile on my face.

I want to thank you for keeping Mom safe. I had my MRI and we found out what the problem is and I have my first Dr's appt with a specialist on Monday to start a course of treatment. It is nothing major but a little bump in the road. Thank you for making sure it was nothing major! I am glad we were able to figure out what the problem was right away. Then we will be on the way to making you a big brother!

Thursday was Thanksgiving here. Thank you for watching over Daddy. He was in the hospital for an abscess and infection. He is home now and doing better. I was so worried about him and didn't want to leave his side. I wish you were here because I am sure Dad would feel better if he had some baby snuggles and kisses from you! I mean who the heck doesn't love baby kisses!! Mom and Dad spent the holiday in the hospital. I was like a kid at Christmas when after almost 2 days the Dr. said I could take him home. We had a huge party last night here at the house. Nonna and Papa are here and sleeping upstairs. I showed off your nursery to everyone last night and they loved it. You have cute feet too because everyone had loved looking at the new picture that Mom made of your footprints. Mom hates feet but she would kiss and love yours if I could get my hands on them!! Your oldest cousin Violet was in your room today. We were trying to figure out where her old room was because she used to live in this house. Once she figured out which one was her old bedroom, get this- she is a smart little cookie because she said both of them were her old bedrooms which was very true! Violet said "Baby Frankie has a really pretty room". That's right, it's your room. That little girl melts my little heart! Each and every time, Violet amazes me with all the wonderful things she says about you. Nothing makes me happier to hear other people talk about you, espically someone who is so young. That Violet is one amazing little girl!

There was a rainbow baby delivered this week. Her name is Hazel and she is precious! Hazel's older sister Jude is in the same safe place as you if you could have the pleasure of meeting her up there one day. It makes my heart feel so good when I see rainbow babies arriving. I know we will have a rainbow baby (babies if we are lucky) and I can't wait. If you could please watch over Hazel, i would really appreciate it. Please keep her safe as you do for the rest of the babies that I ask you about.

Mom is doing ok. Can I tell you about the most wonderful group of ladies that are out there? My August moms are sending me a package a day to help me get through the holidays. They are the greatest group of laides out there! I have trouble accepting gifts from other people but I have never felt so loved in my entire life. I am going to open a few gifts tomorrow and I can't wait, it's like Christmas morning every single day! I can't believe that there are such wonderful people out there caring for Mom and Dad! I have been talking about you at least once a day lately. Some days I am happy but other days I have tears. I have now realized that tears are not so bad.

A few of your friends are sick, can you watch over them Pal to make sure they are ok? It is cold and fever season and the babies will need angel Frankie to watch over them!

Mommy and Daddy are coming to visit you tomorrow and we are going to wish you Happy Thanksgiving. May we bring some visitors? Nonna and Papa would like to come and see you. I came up with the coolest idea and I can't wait to get there and do it. You are going to have some blue balloons with letters in them sent up to you. I am going to take a picture of it and I will post it here. I am so excited to be able to do this for you! Can't wait! For all the holidays if you don't mind that we bug you, we would like to do this.

How is Gram and Silvie? The first snowfall was tonight, I hope you all made it through and stayed warm. I am sure it is always very warm and you have perfect weather up there at all times. All of you angels deserve it to watch over your families.

I am going to head to bed now that it is 3am. I should be sleeping and Daddy is going to be worried about me because I snuck out on him. Love you so much Frankie! Happy Thanksgiving and Mom and Dad love you so much!


Hugs, kisses, and "swaddles",

Your insomniac Momma!

Letter 7

11/13/12

Hi my sweet baby!

How are you today my precious angel? Things are going ok here. Mom wasn't feeling well so she decided to take a day to rest and feel better at home. I know if you would have been here with me that you would have let me snuggle with you all day. That is the best medicine right there! I spent some time relaxing in your beautiful nursery today thinking of you and how much we miss and love you!

My August mommies and babies started a really cool thing where they are sending me gifts in the mail to help get me through the holidays. Gifts and letters to put a smile on my face. These mommies are so wonderful and take such good care of mom and dad! A lot of people are thinking of us this holiday season and that makes me feel so good!

What is new here with mom and dad... we went on a date night Friday. We went out to dinner and then went shopping for Christmas decorations! We picked you up a few things to put out for you, Grandma, and Silvie. Then on Saturday we (you went with me in spirit) went on an August Moms get together in Columbus! You met mom Ashley and her kids Abby and Baby Roo. Then you met Jamie, her husband Chris, and baby Jameson! We had a great time and even have a picture to remember and that is below. Then Saturday we went over Aunt Mo and Uncle Brian's house to play some games with Aunt Manda and Uncle JJ. Your cousins Vince and Casey were there. Casey had the cutest sweater on EVER! No joke Frankie, you would look so great in this sweater! While Mom was gone at the get together in Columbus Dad had the most productive day ever. He told everyone about it and it included: putting up Christmas decorations, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the floors, vacuuming, dusting, grocery shopping, and taking the recyclables in. Most productive day EVER for Daddy! I was so happy that he spent all this time doing this! Then on Sunday, Mom went on shopping spree-a, gym, and relaxation. Then another week was started! Thanksgiving is coming next week and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! We will go to Nana and Tata's house on the holiday and then we are having our Black Friday party here! It will be so much fun! You are going to be the highlight of the party next week and I can't wait to talk all about you!

Can we bring you anything when we come and visit on Sunday? Are you staying warm enough? I am glad we have you in a nice warm swaddle! Aunt Manda's blanket is there with you too if you need it. It was snowing today here in Cleveland. Nothing that will stick to the ground but it was snowing. Nona and Papa are buying you a Christmas tree for you to enjoy. Mom and Dad will be bringing you a Christmas wreath once we find the perfect one. We want it to be one that a little boy would just love so lots of Santa and snowmen will need to be included. I hope we find the wreath this weekend when we go out shopping for it.

Can you also please keep Mom in your prayers to keep her safe and watch over me? It is nothing major but I have to have an MRI done on Thursday to make sure I am nice and healthy so we can start working on brining you a brother or sister into the world. I hope it is just something minor and nothing that a little medicine won't fix. Thank you for always watching over us and all of the other August babies, the Siftar/ Allen/ Musial/ and Cirillo families. I know we are keeping you busy up there! My test is Thursday night at 5:30 if you would like to know for you own reference of course!

I hope you are having a great time and Grandma is taking good care of you. How is Silvie doing? Have you met the little boy I was telling you about Hunter Carillo? Love you soooooo very much! Take care and as always, thank you for all you do for us. Miss and love you more and more each day!

Mommy and Daddy

Letter 6

10/31/12

Happy Halloween Frankie! Halloween is a holiday where kids dress up in ohhh so cute costumes and go knocking on doors for treats. It is a fun holiday that was one of my favorite as a kid. I loved going out and getting candy and dressing in an awesome costume. I was going to have you dress in this cute giraffe costume that your cousins Violet, Vinny, and Casey also wore when they were babies. You would have made the cutest giraffe! I was also going to have you wear this onesie that said “take me to my mummy”! How stinkin is that??!! If you were awake when we were there to see you on Sunday, I had it with me to show you. I hope you approve of it. I also meant to tell you that I am not sure what the meaning of Halloween is but I was going to let Daddy tell you that. He is better with this kind of stuff where I am better at just putting all the details together and making everything/everyone look good!

Are you, your Grandmas, and Silvie ok up there? I know the weather is usually pretty perfect but we had a hurricane named Sandy hit us. We were without power for about 2 days here in Cleveland. It was so cold and made for a rough few days. The power is back on tonight and I have never been happier to come home to a house that had heat and lights again! We are doing ok now that we are back to normal.

Mommy had a rough day today and spent a lot of time thinking about you. Today would have been your first holiday with us. One of mommies friends from the board said you had the best costume, an beautiful angel with big wings.  I know you are just perfect!

Daddy is very happy that the Giants won the World Series. I know you gave a few winks of those big brown eyes to get some things happening in the right way up there. Thank you for allowing Daddy to be happy that his team won. I can’t say he was over the top excited but I know that was because he would have wanted you cuddle with him watching it. Thank you for allowing Daddy and Papa to be happy. They really appreciate all that you did to make things happen.

I love you so much buddy and wanted to wish you a Happy Halloween! Let Grandma know that you get extra dessert tonight and pizza for dinner to celebrate. Have so much fun up there on your first holiday. We will see you/talk to you soon.

Hugs, swaddles, and kisses to you,

Mummy and Daddy

 

 

 

 

So many amazing people help us...

This memory box was sent to us this week from a friend from highschool. Her name is Lisa Sine (Barlow). She sent me a message a few weeks back asking me if she culd make him a memory box. I felt so wonderful that someone that I have not seen in so many years reached out to help us. This will give us a special place where we can keep all of Frankie's things and pictures. So very touching all the wonderful gifts we have received through this process. I owe so much to so many people.

It is just amazing how many people go out of there to help others. Cards, jewelry, kind words, food, and just letting me know we are in your thoughts and prayers. So many people have kept me going through this process saying how strong and amazing I am. The people I need to give credit to are our amazing family and friends for being so kind and patient with us, the best group of moms in the world on my August birth month board, friends from near and far who have shared their kind words, thoughts, and prayers. The one person who I owe everything to through this process is my amazing husband. If it wasn't for him, I would not be able to keep going day to day.

I have such a huge heart to all of the wonderful friends and family that have helped me through this process. If it wasn't for you all, I would not have the strength to function each day with a smile.
XOXO

Frank P. Cirillo IV

Honest to goodness, can he be any cuter. Melts my heart every single time!

Letter 5- Oct. 27, 2012

10/27/12

Hey my sweet baby,

I hope you don’t mind that I am writing to you again. You are always on my mind a lot and I have been thinking about you and more and more lately. Missing you more and more too. This missing you is not becoming any easier.

All the kids on the August board are so adorable in their Halloween costumes. You have made so many friends on the board.  I always remind the moms to let your fellow babies know that you are watching over them to keep them safe. You would be so cute in a costume; we had a giraffe costume from Aunt Mo for you to wear. You would have been just like you cousins Violet, Vinny, and Casey. They were always so cute in this costume.

The other night, I received a memory box in the mail that a friend of mine from high school made for you. I am going to fill it up with special things that we have from you. It will be kept very close to us and know that you are with us in spirit. It is so pretty and I will post some pictures of it very soon to share with everyone. It is going to be so special and I can’t wait to put all the Frankie things in it!

The other night Dad came upstairs and told me about his favorite moment with you after he was reading the letters to you. You would never mind if Daddy starting writing you a letter in this blog/journal, right? Daddy’s favorite memory with you was when he was holding you in the NICU for the first time after we arrived shortly after you. He was telling you everything that was happening and what the plan was going to be for you and me. He took such good care of us and kept it all together and made sure we were both safe. As he was holding you and telling you about this, the nice nurse practitioner Sharon that we liked came up and told Daddy “he is listening to every single word you are saying”. The picture of this happening just melts my heart. I have been thinking about it nonstop since Daddy and I were talking about it the other night when he came to bed. I wish you were here so you and Daddy could have more moments like this because he is the best story teller out there! I can promise you that!

Right now the Giants are up 2-0 in the bottom of the second. They are sooooo winning this World Series it’s ridic as mama says! If you were here with us, we would let you stay up all night to watch the game and celebrate with us!

Dad went and saw Dr. Chuck today. He was going to be your Dr. and my plan was for me to send you and Daddy to appointments together. He told us how sorry he was that you had to leave this world so early and enter into a great place- heaven. Dr. Chuck hopes you are doing well up there and says hello. Daddy was even good enough at the office that he grabbed a sucker on the way out!

We love you so much and miss you more and more buddy. We will also see you bright and early tomorrow morning.  I think we may head to the gym after we visit you. We have to keep ourselves looking good so you are proud of us! Can we get you anything for Halloween? We will think of something special to bring you! See you in about 12 short hours. Love you so much! Swaddle it up in heaven there tonight because it’s cold out now! Love you again and again times a million!

Letter 4- Oct. 25, 2012

10/25/12

Hi gorgeous baby!

First, I have 2 weeks to catch up on here so this entry is going to be nice and long. Life is going well for mom and dad; I hope things are beyond fabulous up in heaven for you. How is our favorite trio? Are you behaving and only riding Silvie as a horse when Gram is there, right? You are an angel so of course you are behaving! 

Let me tell you what is new with us. Daddy’s company bought another company. Pretty exciting news but it is making lots of work for him. Mom’s work is ok.  I would rather be home on maternity leave snuggling you all day! I know we would be having the time of our lives! Not a single job out there could take place of that and something great is going to happen for mom. We went to our first Brown’s game together and THE BROWNS WON!! Woof woof tell Grandma as we hang up the phone on her. She will understand. I bet you the Cirillos’ were the good luck charm! Thanks for letting us come and visit you early that day so we could get to the game on time; I hope you enjoyed your new cool gifts we brought you! Last Thursday Mom had to work like 18 hours, not even kidding you! I did get to leave for a bit and go to dinner with Dad when he surprised me and met me out at Legacy Village. We went to this terrible restaurant called Stir Crazy. It was awful L Just was not good food at all. We went across the parking lot (almost getting killed because Dad’s fault) to go and get a slice of Cheesecake. Now that was good but Mom didn’t like the waitress because she was not very nice. I was so exhausted after working all day but couldn’t wait to get back home with Dad. The next day I was so sleepy and did not have a productive day at work. That was 10/19 and you would have been 2 months old. I think that was weighing hard on our heart that day. I posted a picture that Dad took of you immediately after you were born and before I even got my eyes on you and all of Mom’s friends on her August mom’s board thought you were the best thing ever! That night we received lots of phone calls and text messages by everyone checking in on us to make sure we were ok. We have such great people that watch out for us. Aunt Manda came over that night and we had pizza and went to some cool haunted houses. The next day we had a wedding to go to. Sunday was a fun day at home and doing things around the house. I wish you were here with us and we would have stayed in “jams” all day and cuddled because that was the kind of day Dad and I had. When we went to visit the trio, Nana and Tata were there to say hello. They brought you the cutest bear for Halloween and some pretty flowers to mix in the ones that we brought for you guys to you’re your home looking good. Then we were off to work again on Monday, good times. On Wednesday Aunt Mo and I had our last cooking class together. It has been a good thing to do to help keep my mind busy. The Giants are in the World Series right now. Game 1 was last night and in the classic words of your father “the Tigers got their d*%ks kicked in”! Daddy wishes you were here with him to watch the game but knows that you are Gram are watching it in heaven and making some “things happen” to make sure Daddy’s team wins. Thanks for that buddy! Tonight is game 2 of the World Series and we are just starting it as I type this letter to you. I want to get your Giants clothes out and snuggle with them for good luck. I was thinking, they won in 2010 and that was the year that Dad and I got married. Now 2012, the next best thing happened- you were born! I wonder what 2014 has in store for the Cirillos and the Giants! Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness so I get to spend 48 straight hours with Daddy, hehe! We are meeting friends out tomorrow night; maybe enjoy a cocktail or 2. No other big plans for us this weekend and I am ok with that.  We will be by to visit on Sunday. I will be bringing you something fun, can’t wait!

Can I ask you a favor little man? A new little boy named Hunter Carrillo was brought to heaven tonight. Can you make friends with him and show him the ropes up there? Mom joined a prayer chain for him over the last few days. He is a baby just like you and needs some help. I know you and Gram will help him. Share Silvie with him too buddy, that will make Hunter happy.

 

Then last Thursday, Mommy sent Daddy an email about you. I am going to add it here. What a blessing you are and you are one special little guy. Here is a copy of the email:

Katy Siftar katy.siftar@gmail.com	Oct 18 (7 days ago)
to Frank

Hey sweets,

I thought I would share this with you! I am having a not so good day
so far because of a few people that we need not to mention names. I
was back by our copy machine at work organizing some stuff that I
needed to copy. We have all these corproate auditors in at work. This
team is not usually here so they are not real familiar with the
employees here. I sent a thank you card and a picture to Homewood and
they asked if they can post it on this employee board we have that is
over our copy machine. The auditor who is also a nurse said "that is
such a nice thank you card there. Then that baby is just beautiful,
is that an employee in this buildings baby". I said yes it is mine. I
smiled and said yes he is just gorgeous and he is our angel. She then
said he has billi lights on and has a tube, is Frankie ok? I said no
actually he is not doing well. I was not going to go much futher then
that and leave it there. I took a deep breath and blinked my eyes so
they were not welled up with water. I said he is our angel in heaven
after 6 of the best days of our lives. She said Oh my gosh, I am so
sorry and gave me a hug. this was in front of about 6 people. I walked
back into my office and was sitting at my desk just taking a minute.
She then asked if she could come in (nicest thing ever in my book
because I never have a single person ask if they can come in to the
office but just walk in and have a seat). I said of course and she
shut the door and came in. We had a nice 15 minute talk about things
because she was a NICU nurse for 30 years. She said
she had some babies who passed away in her care but only lost 5 in a
30 year time. She told me "you are the most amazing and strongest
person i have ever met in my entire life. Your baby died 2 months ago
tomorrow and you don't cry. You look at him and smile and tell me he
is an angel". She then went on to explain how people can't function
after they loose a baby and have to quit jobs. We talked about you and
she went on to say we the strongest couple that she has ever met or
heard about in her life. We had another 10 minute conversation
explaining how we visit Frankie, think about him, write to him, show
him off, look at pictures, etc. She then said you are going to be
getting the best surprises coming our way because we represent and
stay so strong for Frankie. I told her yes we are going to, it is just
amazing and i am so excited for what Frankie is going to cook up for
us to have a fabulous new life together as a family.

I wish you were here right now because I would give you the biggest
hug ever. This woman saying this was hands down the best thing I have
had someone say or do to me since this happened. A stranger noticing
this. The best part of this entire conversation was the line of "That
baby is beautiful, whose baby is that" as I stood tall and strong and
said it is mine and he is a gorgeous angel".

I am sooooo proud of us baby!

 

                      

I ended that with I am so proud of us. I am proud of all 3 of us. You are amazing and an angel watching over our families. You are doing such a good job! I am proud of Daddy and I because every day we put one foot in front of the other and go about our days despite being sad and wanting to break down because we miss you so much.

Thanks for listening to Mom blab. It is going to be getting cold this weekend and I think we are going to be stuck in the cold from here on out. Stay warm and make sure you are swaddled. You need to have those bili lights on you, you loved those darn things! Just like mom, you like to be warm and cuddled up tight. Wednesday is Trick or Treat. I wish you were here because I would be dressing you up in some crazy costumes all month long. “Cute as hell” as Mom and dad like to say! You are getting the easy way out; I will have other Cirillo children to torture here soon! Enjoy trick or treat and smile real cute!

We love you so much Frankie. You make us so proud.  I think about you and brag about you all day long! Happy Halloween Angel Frankie!

Mom and Dad

Letter 3- Oct. 13, 2012

10/13/12

Hey Buddy,

We hope you are having a great time up there in heaven. Grandma taking good care of you? Dad always says that she can’t give you any red wine to drink (yet at least). I say a little nip never killed a person J   Is Silvie taking you on lots of rides? Are you only riding when you have an adult watching you, right?

All is going well here. It is Saturday night here. Dad is playing on his I-Pad and here I am browsing the inter webs and I decided to write you a letter. Fall is here in full force now and I love it! We went shopping today and had fun. We even bought you a surprise and I can’t wait to show them to you tomorrow when we come to visit! Make sure you get to bed at a decent hour tonight because we are going to be there to visit a little earlier then we usually do. Daddy and I are going to the Brown’s game tomorrow. I have never been to a Brown’s game with dad so I am pretty excited! We will be all dressed up in our gear tomorrow when we arrive and I hope we look good for you in our new shirts! Daddy is wearing his right now and let me tell you- he looks H-O-T!

We think about you quite a bit. We miss you more than I can even express in words. My favorite thing to think about is when you were first born and you were so alert. You kept putting your head up to check Daddy and I out. Melted my heart and still does each and every time I think about it. Last weekend we took our yearly anniversary picture and we had you in. You wore the Giants T-shirt that Daddy bought you a few summers ago when they went to San Francisco. I also have a few things to thank you for. We appreciate you giving up your name and allowing us to name your sister Francesca aka Frankie. How freaking cute is that going to be? Also, mommy really liked the rainbow that I saw on my way to work on Monday. I can’t help but think you had something to do with that so many thanks to you!

We are so excited to see you tomorrow! Sunday mornings are now my favorite time! We think of you all the time and I just smile and think of what a wonderful little guy we have. We are so proud of you! Nothing else really new here with us, same old same old. I am back at work now and looking for a transition soon. Then I won’t be so busy and stressed at work so I will only get to think more about you! Haha!

Love you so much my little man! Let us know if you need anything, we are pretty boring these days and always available on a moment’s notice.  We will see you in the morning and look forward to getting your weekly surprise!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Letter 2- Sept. 27, 2012

9/27/12

Week of 9/23-9/29

Hello Frankie,

How are you? I bet you are having so much fun with Silvie. Are you making sure to be careful and listening to Violet, Petie, and LaLa? I am your mother so I have to pull that mother card whenever I can! No really- we hope you are doing well and loving life with your new doggy! I want to make sure you are warm, eating plenty of good food, resting enough, and having the time of your life up in heaven. You deserve to be having so much fun up there. You know if you need anything, just send us a message and we will be right there to take care of it!

Mommy and Daddy are doing well. Right now it is Thursday night and we are resting on the couch watching the Brown’s game right now. Dad is playing on his I-pad and I am thinking of you so I wanted to send you a letter. Uncle Bonds and Uncle Ollie are sleeping on me right now. If you can’t be here, they are the next best thing to snuggle with! I had a spa day today from Dad. It was so nice and I feel so good about myself again! I talked about how wonderful you were to all of the ladies at the salon. They asked about you and I found myself smiling and saying “Frankie is just gorgeous. He arrived on August 19^th at 2:34am. I was in labor for 3.5 days before he decided that he was ready to come out. Frankie weighed 6lbs 7oz and we are smitten”. You make me so proud and I know what it feels like to be a mom and love bragging about your child now!

On Tuesday Oct 2 makes 2 years for Daddy and I being married. We are going to celebrate next weekend and we are so excited that over the last year of marriage, you were conceived and we were made parents by the sweetest and strongest little boy God can make. In honor of you, Daddy and I thought of a girl name that we like. If you are the big brother of a sister, we decided we are going to name her Francesca. It will be Frankie for short and she will know every part of her name is from her big brother. Is that ok with you buddy? We thought it would be a honorable way to remember you and nothing would make us and the entire family who loves you more happy than that.

I will be returning to work next week. We are going to be back to busy again here but we are never too busy for you. If you need anything at all, just let us know. We will always be there on Sundays to visit. I don’t know, maybe some time we will mess things up and catch you and your grandmas off guard and visit on another day. I don’t know… Haha!

We love and miss you so much! Sending you lots of warm snuggles from mommy! Have fun and “swaddle it up”! Love you Frankie!

Mommy and Daddy

 

Letter 1- Sept. 19, 2012

9/19/12

Week of 9/16/12-9/22/12

Hi Frankie! You are a month old now! I hope Grandma makes you a great dessert or pie for each of these celebrations.  Ask her for the chocolate pudding pie, it is the best! Mom is not a fan but everyone always said that her cherry pies were to die for.

Dad and I are doing well. Dad is working and back in the swing of things. I am still off from work. I may be going back in about a week-and- a- half. I am not looking forward to going back.  You never gave up on us and you were such a fighter Frankie so I am going to go back and do it for you! I have to give it a shot. Dad has been taking good care of me and I hope I am taking just as good care of him. We keep each other going every day. We think of you all the time though. I don’t think 20 minutes goes by during my day where I don’t think of you. We miss you so much buddy.

This week we have been keeping busy as usual. Sunday we had a great visit to see you. We brought flowers, some pin wheels that I made (I am sorry that they are not as good as the ones you buy in the store), and a pumpkin decoration for fall/ Halloween.  Mom was really good at the visit and I didn’t even cry. I was so proud because I feel like I am getting stronger. We also told you and Grandma the exciting news that you are getting a dog this week. Her name is Silvie. She is a great dog and you will love her. When Grandma is watching you, maybe you can take a ride on Silvie. Only do it when Grandma is watching so you are careful.  We have been working on thank you cards for everyone who sent us cards, flowers, food, and had nice messages for mom and dad after we sent you to heaven.  We received a great package in the mail yesterday. The hospital sent us your footprints that they did made when you got to the NICU. They are so cute but you have mommy’s feet because they were big. Daddy has such tiny feet! We joked that yours may be bigger than Daddy’s! Mommy has some ideas of what she is going to do with these. One is going to include a prize for Dad from us!

We love and miss you so much Frankie.  I went in your room and thought about you today. I have such happy and great memories of you buddy! Daddy thinks about you often and loves you and misses you all the time.

Happy Hump Day and give Grandma lots of kisses and snuggles for me! Love you!

Mommy and Daddy

How it all started...

It all started when 2 people fell in love...

I knew as soon as I met Frank that he was the man I was going to marry. We went on our first date January 31, 2008. We were inseparable from the beginning. Frank proposed on February 12, 2009. He asked my parents for permission to marry me, just the way I would have wanted it. We were married on October 2, 2010. This was the best day of my entire life!

We always knew we wanted to have a family. We started working on this goal shortly after we were married. It took us much longer then I would have ever thought. Lots of tears were shared between us as we had lots of negative pregnancy tests. We wanted something so badly but what we always noticed is that we always have to work hard for everything we have ever had good in our life. So of course this was going to be the same. I put all my effort month after month into conceiving a baby. Frank put up with me as this process was consuming lots of my time. I did everything by the book knowing one day it was going to happen. After trying for about 11 months, I made us an appointment to see a fertility specialist at the beginning of 2012 so we could find out what was wrong. Everything you are supposed to do to start a family, I did it by the book. In December shortly after making us an appointment with a specialist, I was just not feeling right. I was waiting for my period that never showed day after day. I decided to finally test just to rule out that I wasn't pregnant. I never took a test without Frank being by my side. It was the early morning on December 23 when I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and we planned to take a pregnancy test. I took the test and long behold, we got a positive! This was about 3am and we couldn't fall back asleep after this. We were so happy and excited that we stayed up until it was time to get up for work. That night after work, we went to the book store to buy Grandparent books for the Frank's parents because this was going to be their first grandchild. We planned to wrap the books up and give it to them for Christmas gifts. The Cirillo family was so happy for our news and cried lots of happy tears that Christmas for us. We also told my family around the same time. I will never forget telling my family and all the hugs and excitement that was shown to us.

 As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I joined an August 2012 board on the bump website. All of the girls on the board were pregnant and expecting babies in the month of August. A facebook group was started and I met about 90 wonderful ladies from all over the US and beyond. We shared stories (good and bad), supported one another, shared exciting times throughout the pregnancy, and became such wonderful friends. These woman have become some of the closest friends of mine and I owe all of my strength to this group of woman.

I had a wonderful pregnancy. I felt wonderful for the most part until the end. During the first trimester, I had constant exhaustion but a loving husband that grew to adore me when I would fall asleep at 7pm in the middle of eating dinner. I had heartburn terribly but I just dealt with it. I had to change my diet to high protein because I was loosing weight instead of gaining. The summer came and we started moving forward with planning for our lives to change completely. We were so ready for this change. We prepared a gorgeous nursery awaiting the arrival of Baby Cirillo. We had 3 fabulous showers for Baby Cirillo where we had so much loved shown to us. I read all the books in preparation to be the best mom out there. Pregnancy was great to me until the last month. About 35 weeks in, I started to swell up really bad (I blamed it on the hottest summer Cleveland has had in ages). I was having trouble making it through a whole work day but I kept saying I wanted to work right up to the birth of baby Cirillo. I went for stress tests every Friday to make sure Baby Cirillo had a strong heart beat and was healthy. This little baby would kick me all day every day for the last month that I couldn't sleep and I had Braxton Hick contractions multiple times a day for the last month. I knew before Baby Cirillo ever  came out that we had a true fighter on our hands. Baby Cirillo I knew would have long legs because I felt them kicking me constantly. Some kicks would be so strong that it would stop me in my tracks and I would have to stand or sit still and rub my stomach to get them to stop.

On August 16, 2012 I went in for my weekly OB appointment. My regular Dr. was on vacation so I saw another Dr. in the practice. I had my stress test and that was perfect. The nurses kept retesting my blood pressure because it was high. I was hoping it was just the heat and I needed to relax. The 5th time of someone checking it, the lowest reading was 155/98. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock. I always received an A+ grade at all my appointments, until today. The Dr. came in and took my blood pressure, 178/110. I was inconsolable at this point and broke down in tears. I was at the Dr. by myself and I had a feeling I was going to receive news I didn't want to hear. I was sent to the hospital to be admitted and to start the labor induction process. I called Frank on my way to the hospital and told him to come ASAP. I couldn't call a single other person though because I was so worried because I was scared now that I all of a sudden developed pre eclampsia at 38weeks and 2 days. That afternoon, around 12:30pm, the induction process began. I had a labor buddy assigned to me from my August mom board and I texted her that the baby would be here anytime as I was already starting to dilate. Frank called all of the family members. My inlaws came up from PA with the hopes of meeting their first grandchild any second. I started on Pitocin and Magnesium IV to start contractions and maintain my blood pressure at a healthy rate. I would receive an increase of Pitocin every 30 minutes to induce the labor. This was about a 8 hour process with receiving an increase every 30 minutes. My body was not dilating anymore then it was when I first checked in. The Dr. then told me to get some sleep that night and started me on a medication during the night that would work while we were taking a break from the Pitocin. It was another hormone that worked in the same way to induce labor. Friday came and started the Pitocin process again. 8 hours into it and at the highest level of Pitocin you can take, I never became anymore dilated. I was so frustrated. I wasn't able to eat, I couldn't get out of bed, I had a waiting room of family members, and felt discouraged that my body was not doing the thing that a woman should be able to do to go into labor to deliver a child. After tears and begging the Dr. if I could just go home on bed rest and let labor just come naturally, she encouraged us to stay so we followed her direction. I was finally able to eat something and get out of bed with a 2 hour break of no medications. Frank bought me my favorite food- pizza! We had a long talk during that 2 hour break and said that we were not going to worry and stress anymore. We were going to be happy. We started the second dose of the nighttime medication to induce labor and went to sleep. We woke up bright and early on Saturday August 18th ready to have a baby today. We changed our attitude and I finally started to dilate a little bit more after the nighttime medication was in and did what it was supposed to do. They started round 3 of the Pitocin. I became a little more dilated each time they checked. Today was going to be our baby's birthday! I received an epidural about 12noon. I felt amazing after that. The first time in 2 days that I was able to relax because the pain was manageable. By about 9pm that night, I was fully dilated. The pain was becoming so severe. I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling in my back. I knew I was having back labor. The Dr. sent the anesthesiologist back in and they determined that I needed a 2nd epidural because of all the pain. About 11pm, I started to push and they paged the Dr. to come in. I was so excited to get to meet Baby Cirillo! The Dr took a few hours to get into the hospital but finally showed up about 1am on 8/19/12. I was in active labor since Thursday at noon. We were so ready to meet our baby! After a hour and half with the Dr. there by my side, Frank P.Cirillo IV was born at 2:34am on 8/19/12. He weighed 6lbs 7oz. He was perfection and we were so in love and smitten with him!

I spent about 2 hours cuddling Frank and having bonding time skin to skin. I had a really bad tear and lost a lot of blood during the process so I was so tired from not sleeping for 3.5 days. We noticed Frank was having some trouble swallowing and had a mucus buildup. The nurses were alarmed at first but he started to do a little better. About 5am, we sent Frankie up to the nursery to be bathed and given all the newborn tests. We took advantage of being able to rest for a few hours. We woke up about 8am and asked if Frankie could be brought down to us. About a hour later, Frankie still was not delivered down to us. I sent Frank up to the nursery to check on him and go get him and bring him down thinking they were busy. About 45minutes later, Frank came in with his sister and gave me the news that Frankie was still having a problem swallowing. The Dr. came in after and told us what was wrong with Frankie. He had an trachea esophageal fistula (otherwise known as a TE). Frankie would be requiring surgery and they felt it was best for him to go to The Cleveland Clnic where he could get the best care possible. There was a surgeon that was going to look at Frankie and see what he could do to make him feel better. Later that morning, Frankie was transported to the Cleveland Clinic. Before he left, the transporters brought him down to us to say good bye. We kissed him through the incubator being sure not to wake him. He was sleeping so peacefully. Frankie had a tube down his mouth that was draining the mucus out of his throat. It was sad to see him like this but I know it was for the best as it was going to get him feeling better. We got word later that I could transfer down to the same hospital that Frankie was at. I felt so great having us in the same place. I was still on bedrest so Frank went down and spent the evening with Frankie in the NICU. Frank met some great people that work in the NICU and some of the other parents that had babies there. There was one nurse pracitioner, Sharon who we will never forget. She was so sweet and always made us feel good. Sharon had such a sweet and comforting way about her. Frank came up to were I was and had so many nice things to say about the  NICU. We were going to get Frankie feeling better, stronger, and get him home with us! Aunt Mo came with lots of goodies and to visit. She went down to the NICU with Frank to meet Frankie. I felt that we were in the best place possible. The next day, Monday, I was able to get out of bed, transferred to another floor in the hospital, and finally be able to see my Frankie. We went down to see him Monday night. Frankie looked great! He was under bili lights, swaddled up, warm, and just looked amazing! Aunt Manda and Uncle Brian came to visit that night. Everyone went on and on about how beautiful Frankie was. He was a gorgeous baby- Fraty made him! He melted my heart he was so precious. I was feeling so hormonal and sad that he wasn't coming home with us the next day that I cried while visiting him. Frank kept me strong. THe next day, I was discharged in the morning but we spent the afternoon and early evening in the NICU by Frank's side. My parents came to visit that night and we scored some great pictures of Frankie that my mom took. They bought him a metal to hang in his incubator and a Mom necklace for me to wear. That night I was so sad that he was not coming home with us. We met and talked to the surgeon. Surgery was planned for Thursday 8/23/12. We came in right away to visit on Wednesday 8/22/12. We finally got a good nights sleep in our own bed that we felt so much better. We brought books and toys for Frankie to leave in the NICU. We had such a great day visiting with him that day. Frankie let us hold him all day long and barely let out a peep. He was so alert and would stay awake looking up at us. We wanted to have a day of cuddling with him since the next day was going to be his major surgery. The best moment that I had with us being a family of 3 was that Wed night before we left for the night and we read a book to Frankie. Frankie was awake the entire time and had all attention on the story. We tucked him in, closed his incubator, and told him how much we loved him and he was going to do so great the next day for his surgery. Thursday 8/23 we were there before 8am. We wanted a few hours of cuddle time with him before he went off to surgery. They let us gown up and walk back to the room where they were going to do the surgery. The staff was so sweet. One of the surgery assistants yelled at one of the surgery residents because before they swaddled Frankie up, they made sure the resident saw that it was you and confirmed his name on your foot ID band. We swaddled Frankie up and put Frankie in the incubator to go for a ride. We arrived at the surgery room and they even let us come back to see where the surgery was going to take place. The resident started to un swaddle Frankie and he wasn't having it! Starting screaming bloody murder. He was all warm, snuggley, awake, and content. Then that woman came in and took Frankie apart as the surgery assistant snapped at her and said "this is why we did this in the NICU so you wouldn't unwrap him. Now you have him pissed off at you". All I could think was you dumb broad, they didn't teach you about not upsetting the newborn baby in medical school now did they! We sat in the waiting room with Nana and Tata, Aunt Manda, Nona Cirillo, mom, dad, and Papa Cirillo there in spirit on the phone for most of the day. We were so nervous while Frankie was back there for about 8 hours. We started to get so anxious because they told us the surgery would last about 6 hours and we were over 8 hours in. Then we finally got the good news that Frankie was out of surgery and the Dr would be talking to us soon. While everyone else waited in the waiting room, we went back and talked to the surgeon. They explained that Frankie was going to be very swollen and on a ventilator for breathing after the surgery for about 48 hours. We came down to see Frankie quickly in the NICU before we went home for the night. We weren't able to hold him and didn't want to touch him and make him agitated. Frank and I were so proud. Our son was such a fighter. What baby at 4 days old can go through a surgery like this and make it out with flying colors. A Cirillo baby that is who!! We went home and called/texted every person that we knew to tell them that the surgery was successful. Everyone was so proud and cheering Frankie on. The next morning we went in to visit. It was Friday and we had a really good nurse that day. Her name was Megan and she was a very good nurse. She kept her eye on Frankie and was telling the Dr's and nurse practioners when Frankie needed medication. We left Frankie in the incubator that day to rest. He was not to be moving his head or neck since he just had surgery on his esophagus. We were there and spent about 10 hours with him and just watched him rest and move around here and there but he was pretty calm. We gave our good night kisses, said good bye to the staff, and the other parent friends that we have met during the week in the NICU. There was one baby that was really cute in the incubator across from Frankie, her name was Isla. She was getting ready to go home after the weekend and we became friends with her parents each day as all of us sat there with our babies all day.

Saturday August 25th was the worst day of our entire lives. We said goodbye to our son and sent him to heaven. The details of what happened that day are not being shared right now. Down the road we may choose to talk about it but at this point 2 months after saying goodbye, we like to say that August 25, 2012 will be a day that never existed. For all the years to follow, I think the same will remain true. August 25 will always be erased from our memories.

Please share with us by reading our blog. Sharing in our joys, tears, and excitement as we build our family that started when two people fell in love...