I have given it all the effort I can but bed rest started on Friday. Off work indefinitely until after Sammy arrives. When I am sitting I have a great blood pressure but when I am up moving and doing things it starts to shoot up. To say I was shocked with the order from the Dr. is an understatement. After I had a few hours to think about it and put some things in perspective, it is the best thing for me and by far the best thing for Sammy. I am such a busy body person with social outings at least 2 weeknights a week, working full time and then some, and celebrating the holiday season that I must say it is going to be ok. No driving, no lifting, no exercising, and no strenuous activities but I will be making the best of it. Frank has been wonderful, beyond amazing actually. All that I used to do, he is now doing. Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, driving, talking to all the family members for reports, and taking superb care of the both of us. I can't thank him enough!
What will Sammy and I be up to over the next few weeks- we have quite a schedule, rest assured of that! Friday was Day 1. We relaxed a ton, I was so happy checking my blood pressures and see fabulous numbers coming across. We watched a Christmas movie and started a daily activity where I read Sammy a book. We are going to go through all the Dr. Seuss books first. I couldn't think of a better book to start this with then Green Eggs and Ham (Sam I am!). I spend lots of time talking to Sammy and letting him know how excited we are to have him home with us soon. I swear I haven't lost my mind, he can hear my voice and he does recognize it, I promise :) It is these little things that I am doing to connect with him while I have all this free time on my hands. Why wait until he gets here, start those Mom and baby bonding moments now. This week we are going to do lots of holiday wrapping of gifts, read daily stories, organize his drawers (again), rest, and TONS of relaxation. Thursday will be my day out with 2 Dr.'s appointments and a day with Manda so Frank is able to go to work. I will have someone with me to take me to my appointments and be there with me. Other then that, we will be stationed here in the house! I am already excited for Thursday to break out of the house and check on this perfect little boy!
What I can report is Sammy is doing great! Heart is perfect, activity is good, and size is great. I just need to watch myself and my activity to keep my blood pressure at bay to keep him growing for a little bit longer. They anticipate delivery in about 4 weeks all depending on his size, my blood pressure, and his lung maturity. I started with Frankie at 37 weeks and 6 days so they will keep that same schedule this time around as well. We are so excited to get him home with us but we want a healthy baby with no NICU needed this time around. Sammy can come whenever he is ready! We are prepared and ready to welcome him to this world!
Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers until we walk through this front door with this miracle. Until then, wish me luck as a full time Mom taking care of my baby! XOXO
Marriage, infant loss, family
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Pictures of our miracle
I don't think my words can begin to express how grateful I am for this miracle to be coming into our family in less then 2 months. I cried tears (happy tears) as our sweet ultrasound tech brought these pictures up. She knew how exciting of a time for us this was and she allowed us to enjoy every second. After she left the room and we were waiting for the Dr. to come in, she left the last picture up on the big screen in the room so we could continue to be in awe of it. Cue some more tears at this point, I just can't believe how perfect this little boy is.
Now on to the health stuff... Sam weighs 4.5lbs at 33 weeks. Weight in range= check. Mom's fluid levels being in normal range= check. I was worried about the fluid levels which can be indicative of a concern with my blood pressure if they are too high. Need not to worry about that! Sam's organs measuring properly and in range= check. Then as we are reassured every single ultrasound... his esophagus and stomach are attached = CHECK CHECK CHECK!
I still have nerves and anxiety that will be staying with me unfortunately until we walk through our front door with this baby in tow. Thank you to every person in our lives who supports us, thinks of us, and prays for us. If we may ask to keep those prayers coming because as I have been saying all along through this journey- have hope for the future and prayers heal.
XOXO- The Cirillo Family
Men and Woman grieve differently and that is ok
Another article that I found today that I would like to share.
http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html
http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
The article that I shared in the post before this one was found on Still Standing Magazine. I find myself being able to relate to so much that is discussed and posted on the Still Standing facebook page. This article had me thinking that someone went into my head and wrote about every single feeling I feel at this moment. The day I found it last week, I read it about 3 times in a row because I was so comforted by it. To know that others feel the same way I do hits very close to home for me. After reading the article, I had many points of my own to add to some of the same feelings that the blogger expressed.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
Article- Pregnancy after loss
http://loveisdeeperstill.blogspot.com/2013/11/pregnancy-after-loss-paradox.html
I am wanting to share this article with my readers. I couldn't think of a better way to explain how I feel right now and this article explains every emotion I am feeling.
Catch up on life with the Cirillo family
As we are here during the time to spread the word on what we are thankful for, I will begin with saying I am so happy to have a laptop. All those close to me heard my weekly vents of missing my computer for about 6 weeks while it was being shipped from our house to Best Buy. This home to Best Buy process was repeated 4 times with our poor laptop never being fixed. Finally I about had it and we heard the good news that we can pick out a new computer. Soooo here I am typing on our brand new laptop and I couldn't be happier. I missed out on posting here about my grief project, uploading pictures from my camera, and doing anything that involved any thought just couldn't be done from my phone. Now that I can blog again, I would like to update our friends and family on what is going on with the Cirillo family.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Day 2
Day 2: Identity
Day 2- Identity. Our 1st son's name is Frank IV. We choose that name because he is the IV generation in my husband's family. Now the generation of the name is now carried by an angel in heaven forever. The English origin and meaning is "honest". Frank was born on 8/19/12 weighing in at 6lbs 9oz and 19cm long. A few of Frank's features that I will remember is his cute button nose, his eyes- beautiful, dark, and alert, his full lips, and his precious little face that I still see all day long. We have passed his picture around to so many people. Frankie is our angel and I love having everyone who is close to us to have our sweet angel watching over them. We have very few pictures of our angel whose life was taken from us way too early and very unexpected but this will always be our favorite. We love you Frankie <3
Day 2- Identity. Our 1st son's name is Frank IV. We choose that name because he is the IV generation in my husband's family. Now the generation of the name is now carried by an angel in heaven forever. The English origin and meaning is "honest". Frank was born on 8/19/12 weighing in at 6lbs 9oz and 19cm long. A few of Frank's features that I will remember is his cute button nose, his eyes- beautiful, dark, and alert, his full lips, and his precious little face that I still see all day long. We have passed his picture around to so many people. Frankie is our angel and I love having everyone who is close to us to have our sweet angel watching over them. We have very few pictures of our angel whose life was taken from us way too early and very unexpected but this will always be our favorite. We love you Frankie <3
Capture your grief project 2013
To all my friends and family,
October is pregnancy and infant loss month. I will be starting a project where I will post a new picture based on the topic every day during the month of October. I invite you all to enjoy this project with me (us).
Last year I attempted to do this project but just couldn't do it. I was not in the place emotionally that I am now. Our family will never be whole again after loosing our first child but where I am today is a much better place then where I was last year. I think I was able to do 5 days last year before I had to stop. This year it is my goal to make it a little bit longer. If I can make it for the month before my emotions get the best of me then I will be so very proud of myself.
I was thinking today about where I am now compared to where I was last year at this time. I was sad, angry at the hospital, and just felt broken. Now I have moved past my anger and I feel like each day I get a little bit better and better. I am pregnant with our rainbow baby, have a new team of health experts helping me through this to develop my trust again, and I am in a great place emotionally with all that we have endured. A year ago, October 1st was my first day back at work. I was dreading going back and facing everyone. I had to stop and think today how proud I was of myself for how far I have become.
My goal if I reach it all 31 days this year is to take my photographs and make a picture storybook so I can share it with our family, friends, and Frankie's future siblings.
I hope to have all the continued love and support during this process this month from everyone who helps me through this process each and every day. Love you all XOXO
Here is the link to the website for the capture your grief project 2013. Each day is a different topic.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html
Katy, Frank, Frankie, and Sammy
Monday, September 23, 2013
How did I get so lucky...
I find myself asking this question at least once a day. How did we get so lucky to be in this place that we are today.
First, how did I get so lucky to have the world's best husband. I honest to goodness have the best man and best friend to go through this experience of life with me. Frank is AMAZING. He knows how to pick me up when I am down. Today for example I was feeling down on myself. Feeling pregnant, sore, tired, and just moody after a comment I received at work today. My confidence has been a big struggle for me since loosing Frankie. I can go from having no confidence by myself and as soon as Frank is here with me, I love the feeling I suddenly feel.
Next, how did I get so lucky to have the world's most beautiful son. Very few people had the chance to meet FPC IV but those of you that have met him can tell me I am not completely biased. Frankie is one cute boy. His little nose, long legs, cute feet, big brown alert eyes, his sweet face, and did I mention Frankie had the cutest nose EVER! I still envision his face at least 20 times a day. I have his picture on my Pandora bracelet I wear every day, I carry his picture in my purse, he watches over me in the car, Frankie is on my phone, and the same beautiful picture is everywhere in our home. I love turning and seeing my precious first boy every time I go to a different room. Frankie made me a mom. Frankie lets me know not to be sad because every time I look at him I smile. Frankie is about as handsome as a little boy can be. My precious angel Frankie, you are the best thing that ever happened to this family.
On to my next blessing, how did I get so lucky to be pregnant again. Being pregnant is a blessing. It is not something to ever take for granted. It is not something that comes easy for many people, myself included after many heartaches along this journey of growing our family. I am 22.5 weeks pregnant. How did this time pass and bring us to where we are today? I may complain about being sore, tired, and "normal" pregnancy feelings. I wouldn't give this up for the world to be here in this place, to be a mom of 2 beautiful boys. I am human, I am going to have days where I feel crap. Any woman in her mid 30's and pregnant is going to feel down on certain days. I still find myself being overjoyed to tears that I am here and at the end of this, I am going to have a beautiful baby to bring to our home. To our 2nd son Sam (Sammy), we are so happy to have you join our beautiful family! Mom, Dad, and Frankie can't wait for you to get here!
Next, how did I get so lucky to have this life I live. I have my own family, a beautiful home, a college education, a great job, and the resources to do everything I want to/need to do to fulfill my every want and need. To get where I am today was work and now I look back to only realize it is such a blessing. Frank and I work very hard to have a life that 8 years ago before we met that we would have only dreamed of.
Last, how did I get so lucky to have all the friends and family I have in my life. Each and every one of you inspire us to live our dreams. We will never give up because we have so many people in this world rooting us on. Our friends and family make so many sacrifices for us and we only hope one day that we will be able to return these sacrifices for others that are in need. To each and every one of you that has stayed by our side through this, we are grateful for you. Thank you for blessing us with your presence, thoughts, and prayers. We love you all.
As we are getting ready to put an end to our day, I will lay next to my husband while praying to our angel and feeling Sammy kicking me to sleep. I wouldn't give up a single part of my life for the world. I will then continue to ask myself, how did I get so lucky...
XOXO-
Katy
First, how did I get so lucky to have the world's best husband. I honest to goodness have the best man and best friend to go through this experience of life with me. Frank is AMAZING. He knows how to pick me up when I am down. Today for example I was feeling down on myself. Feeling pregnant, sore, tired, and just moody after a comment I received at work today. My confidence has been a big struggle for me since loosing Frankie. I can go from having no confidence by myself and as soon as Frank is here with me, I love the feeling I suddenly feel.
Next, how did I get so lucky to have the world's most beautiful son. Very few people had the chance to meet FPC IV but those of you that have met him can tell me I am not completely biased. Frankie is one cute boy. His little nose, long legs, cute feet, big brown alert eyes, his sweet face, and did I mention Frankie had the cutest nose EVER! I still envision his face at least 20 times a day. I have his picture on my Pandora bracelet I wear every day, I carry his picture in my purse, he watches over me in the car, Frankie is on my phone, and the same beautiful picture is everywhere in our home. I love turning and seeing my precious first boy every time I go to a different room. Frankie made me a mom. Frankie lets me know not to be sad because every time I look at him I smile. Frankie is about as handsome as a little boy can be. My precious angel Frankie, you are the best thing that ever happened to this family.
On to my next blessing, how did I get so lucky to be pregnant again. Being pregnant is a blessing. It is not something to ever take for granted. It is not something that comes easy for many people, myself included after many heartaches along this journey of growing our family. I am 22.5 weeks pregnant. How did this time pass and bring us to where we are today? I may complain about being sore, tired, and "normal" pregnancy feelings. I wouldn't give this up for the world to be here in this place, to be a mom of 2 beautiful boys. I am human, I am going to have days where I feel crap. Any woman in her mid 30's and pregnant is going to feel down on certain days. I still find myself being overjoyed to tears that I am here and at the end of this, I am going to have a beautiful baby to bring to our home. To our 2nd son Sam (Sammy), we are so happy to have you join our beautiful family! Mom, Dad, and Frankie can't wait for you to get here!
Next, how did I get so lucky to have this life I live. I have my own family, a beautiful home, a college education, a great job, and the resources to do everything I want to/need to do to fulfill my every want and need. To get where I am today was work and now I look back to only realize it is such a blessing. Frank and I work very hard to have a life that 8 years ago before we met that we would have only dreamed of.
Last, how did I get so lucky to have all the friends and family I have in my life. Each and every one of you inspire us to live our dreams. We will never give up because we have so many people in this world rooting us on. Our friends and family make so many sacrifices for us and we only hope one day that we will be able to return these sacrifices for others that are in need. To each and every one of you that has stayed by our side through this, we are grateful for you. Thank you for blessing us with your presence, thoughts, and prayers. We love you all.
As we are getting ready to put an end to our day, I will lay next to my husband while praying to our angel and feeling Sammy kicking me to sleep. I wouldn't give up a single part of my life for the world. I will then continue to ask myself, how did I get so lucky...
XOXO-
Katy
Friday, August 30, 2013
checking in!
Hello to all of my friends, family, and followers!
I am sorry that it has been awhile since I checked in yet. I am having a quiet evening at home while Frank is out of town for work until tomorrow morning. I have to say that I love every second I have with my husband that when he is home, I like to be with him. He is my rock and the one person who just gets me. It is an amazing feeling! The last thing I want to do is take time away from my husband, my best friend, and my family.
What is new with me you might ask. We had a great summer, we celebrated Frankie's first birthday and "angelversary", busy with work, and ohhhh yes I can't forget that today I am 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child! Eeeeeekkkk... I am halfway there, OMG! I can't even stand it as I smile ear to ear at this very moment! The gender will be announced next weekend at a party with our families. To say I am excited and feeling very blessed is an understatement!
Of course this pregnancy is accompanied with every emotion that you can imagine. One thing that I can promise you is that Frankie will always be our first son. I do have a child but he is in heaven, not here in my arms to watch over every day. It is hard being a mother but can you imagine how hard it is to be a mother to a child you can't physically see or talk to every day?
I worry about my child and think of him every morning as I am getting ready for work wondering what he is doing up there, is Grandma Allen rocking him to sleep multiple times a day, does he think about mommy and daddy, and most importantly- are we making him proud? I then leave for work and drive 50-60 minutes to work thinking about him again. It goes back to that very same question, is he proud of his mom and dad? Does he tell his angel friends about us? Then I go to work looking at his picture in my office and just look at him (sometimes just stare) and think he is the most precious little boy that I have ever met in my life. Let me tell you I have met some beautiful and adorable babies over my 34 years! Does he look at a picture of us or does he use his "baby angel abilities" and peek in on us every day? As he sits with his friends, does he tell them that he has a great mom and dad? By the end of the day, we close every night with a prayer to the best little angel boy out there. We thank him for watching over us that day, update him on news with our family or friends, tell him a joke or two (daddy is good at this), and tell him how much we love him as we blow him a kiss.
With above describing our typical day, I feel like my son is proud of us. He knows that we are thinking about him. He knows that we love him. Frankie knows that we want him here with us but the second best place would be in my Grandma's arms. If one person that would do a better job then I would as a mom, it is Grandma Allen. I can rest my head on the pillow every night knowing that my son is safe, he is proud, and he is having the time of his life up there in heaven.
Mom and Dad love you to the moon and back Frankie!
P.S.- I promise I will be writing more now. After taking a break, I miss my blog. I miss sharing it with the ones we love. It is also one of the most therapeutic things I can do for my mind during the upcoming 17-20 weeks until Baby Cirillo #2 is here in our arms in mid- January. Thank you for sharing in our excitement and the continued support during this journey. XOXO
I am sorry that it has been awhile since I checked in yet. I am having a quiet evening at home while Frank is out of town for work until tomorrow morning. I have to say that I love every second I have with my husband that when he is home, I like to be with him. He is my rock and the one person who just gets me. It is an amazing feeling! The last thing I want to do is take time away from my husband, my best friend, and my family.
What is new with me you might ask. We had a great summer, we celebrated Frankie's first birthday and "angelversary", busy with work, and ohhhh yes I can't forget that today I am 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child! Eeeeeekkkk... I am halfway there, OMG! I can't even stand it as I smile ear to ear at this very moment! The gender will be announced next weekend at a party with our families. To say I am excited and feeling very blessed is an understatement!
Of course this pregnancy is accompanied with every emotion that you can imagine. One thing that I can promise you is that Frankie will always be our first son. I do have a child but he is in heaven, not here in my arms to watch over every day. It is hard being a mother but can you imagine how hard it is to be a mother to a child you can't physically see or talk to every day?
I worry about my child and think of him every morning as I am getting ready for work wondering what he is doing up there, is Grandma Allen rocking him to sleep multiple times a day, does he think about mommy and daddy, and most importantly- are we making him proud? I then leave for work and drive 50-60 minutes to work thinking about him again. It goes back to that very same question, is he proud of his mom and dad? Does he tell his angel friends about us? Then I go to work looking at his picture in my office and just look at him (sometimes just stare) and think he is the most precious little boy that I have ever met in my life. Let me tell you I have met some beautiful and adorable babies over my 34 years! Does he look at a picture of us or does he use his "baby angel abilities" and peek in on us every day? As he sits with his friends, does he tell them that he has a great mom and dad? By the end of the day, we close every night with a prayer to the best little angel boy out there. We thank him for watching over us that day, update him on news with our family or friends, tell him a joke or two (daddy is good at this), and tell him how much we love him as we blow him a kiss.
With above describing our typical day, I feel like my son is proud of us. He knows that we are thinking about him. He knows that we love him. Frankie knows that we want him here with us but the second best place would be in my Grandma's arms. If one person that would do a better job then I would as a mom, it is Grandma Allen. I can rest my head on the pillow every night knowing that my son is safe, he is proud, and he is having the time of his life up there in heaven.
Mom and Dad love you to the moon and back Frankie!
P.S.- I promise I will be writing more now. After taking a break, I miss my blog. I miss sharing it with the ones we love. It is also one of the most therapeutic things I can do for my mind during the upcoming 17-20 weeks until Baby Cirillo #2 is here in our arms in mid- January. Thank you for sharing in our excitement and the continued support during this journey. XOXO
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Do you have kids...
When I meet new people, families, or patients; one question seems to always come up. Do you have kids. I used to answer this question so confidently. Before Frankie, I would say with a smile and a wink "not yet". Now when this question is asked, I want to crawl under the nearest table, run out the door, or change the subject as quick as I can.
I have now started a "system" I like to call it when I am asked this question. On average, this question comes up at least 5 times a week. Most of the time it is asked by my patients, families of patients, or other health care professionals. The system that I have developed is to think quickly on my feet if this is going to be a person I am going to see again. If it is not someone that I think I will have to see again, I will tell them no I don't have any kids. If this is a person that I know I won't be able to run away from the subject (a repeat patient, professionals who I see at least a few times a month, or those who very clearly saw that I was pregnant around this time last year), I will tell them "yes my husband and I have one beautiful son". I often will find myself changing the subject or saying I need to do something and run away. I am so proud of Frankie. He is my first and oldest son. I praise and honor my sweet pea at once a hour every single day.
All things considered, I am proud of myself. I look back now from where I am today compared to where I was 3 months after the loss for example. In December I couldn't even think about answering this question without bursting into tears. If I say no I don't have kids, am I disappointing Frankie? If I do say yes I have children, can I handle my emotions to be able to expect more questions coming at me. What are your children's names, how old are they, and/or do you want more kids. In December, I couldn't answer these questions without tearing up and almost causing myself an anxiety attack. Now I find myself being able to say to those who I really feel comfortable telling my story to, "yes I have a son Frankie. He would be 9 months now and we couldn't be prouder to be parents", That is all very true. Frankie would be 9 going on 10 months and Frank and I couldn't be prouder to call him our son. If people ask to see a picture of my son, I will show them the picture on my Pandora bracelet. At work I always have my clipboard with me or we are in my office and I can show them my wallpaper and screen saver on my computer. To keep the story simple, I tell them he was born with an illness and had surgery at 4 days old but due to complications passed away at 6 days old. I am now able to console people and keep that smile on my face knowing I am honoring my son up above in heaven. Back in December, I would never have his picture with me and show it to others. I would not be able to say his story with a smile. I also would not be able to have him on my work computer showing him off to handfuls of new people a week.
If Frankie was here with us, I would be showing off a current picture, talking about his age, and how special he is to us. Just because he is not here with us, that is no excuse to not honor and praise him. His story means so much to me that I actually want to talk about it more to know that my sweet baby boy is looking down at me and smiling saying "I have the best parents a child could ever want".
Not only do I function every day after a tragedy, I function every day with a smile, a positive attitude, and with so much joy. I know Frankie is proud of us and the people we have become over the last 9.5 months.
We love you Frank P. Cirillo IV to the moon and back!
I have now started a "system" I like to call it when I am asked this question. On average, this question comes up at least 5 times a week. Most of the time it is asked by my patients, families of patients, or other health care professionals. The system that I have developed is to think quickly on my feet if this is going to be a person I am going to see again. If it is not someone that I think I will have to see again, I will tell them no I don't have any kids. If this is a person that I know I won't be able to run away from the subject (a repeat patient, professionals who I see at least a few times a month, or those who very clearly saw that I was pregnant around this time last year), I will tell them "yes my husband and I have one beautiful son". I often will find myself changing the subject or saying I need to do something and run away. I am so proud of Frankie. He is my first and oldest son. I praise and honor my sweet pea at once a hour every single day.
All things considered, I am proud of myself. I look back now from where I am today compared to where I was 3 months after the loss for example. In December I couldn't even think about answering this question without bursting into tears. If I say no I don't have kids, am I disappointing Frankie? If I do say yes I have children, can I handle my emotions to be able to expect more questions coming at me. What are your children's names, how old are they, and/or do you want more kids. In December, I couldn't answer these questions without tearing up and almost causing myself an anxiety attack. Now I find myself being able to say to those who I really feel comfortable telling my story to, "yes I have a son Frankie. He would be 9 months now and we couldn't be prouder to be parents", That is all very true. Frankie would be 9 going on 10 months and Frank and I couldn't be prouder to call him our son. If people ask to see a picture of my son, I will show them the picture on my Pandora bracelet. At work I always have my clipboard with me or we are in my office and I can show them my wallpaper and screen saver on my computer. To keep the story simple, I tell them he was born with an illness and had surgery at 4 days old but due to complications passed away at 6 days old. I am now able to console people and keep that smile on my face knowing I am honoring my son up above in heaven. Back in December, I would never have his picture with me and show it to others. I would not be able to say his story with a smile. I also would not be able to have him on my work computer showing him off to handfuls of new people a week.
If Frankie was here with us, I would be showing off a current picture, talking about his age, and how special he is to us. Just because he is not here with us, that is no excuse to not honor and praise him. His story means so much to me that I actually want to talk about it more to know that my sweet baby boy is looking down at me and smiling saying "I have the best parents a child could ever want".
Not only do I function every day after a tragedy, I function every day with a smile, a positive attitude, and with so much joy. I know Frankie is proud of us and the people we have become over the last 9.5 months.
We love you Frank P. Cirillo IV to the moon and back!
Monday, May 27, 2013
My First Mother's Day
This post is a little late, I have had a lot going on but nothing like a quiet holiday to catch up on some things that mean the most to me. This blog is very important to me as it lets me vent my feelings and share the happiness in my life. I try to have as much happiness in my life as I can despite having that spot in my heart that thinks of my first born many times a day.
I want to share my first Mother's Day. All things considered, it was a good day. Yes I was missing my Frankie and I had lots of tears to share on this day. My husband is my rock and made sure I had one of the best days I could ever have. He wanted to make sure my first Mother's day was something that I would remember. The whole week leading up to it was so special. All of the cards I received, gifts from friends, text messages, phone calls, and emails made me feel on top of the world. This was a day I was not sure what to expect. Leading up to the day, I was sad. It is not just Mother's Day but it brought out lots of feelings that I have been carrying in my heart over the last 8 months. Sad that I can't hold my baby in my arms, worried about disappointing him, and scared that I can't protect him from this world.
On Friday after a very long work day, Frank and I were going to go out for dinner. Before we left, I received a package in the mail. In it was a gift from my August 2012 moms. I have always wanted one of the footprint necklaces and guess what, I GOT IT! These moms took the time out of their busy lives to coordinate this gift to arrive on Mother's Day weekend. It went back to March when one of the August moms reached out to Frank to get a scanned copy of Frankie's footprints that they took in the NICU. My husband kept it a secret the whole time. As soon as I opened it, I put it on and it has not come off since. I will always have Frankie's footprints close to my heart.
Saturday I spent with my inlaws. It was a great day that was very calm and relaxing. I had an amazing dinner prepared by chef Frank (my father in law) at JJ's & Manda's (Frank's sister and now my sister- I couldn't be happier to say that right now) new and gorgeous house. It was perfect. We spent the afternoon and evening with the most amazing family a girl could ever ask to marry into.
Sunday was a bittersweet day. I woke up to find Frankie gone and preparing breakfast. I was told the night before not to get up until he came up to get me. He made me my favorite breakfast- strawberry crepes. He even woke up early and went to my favorite bakery Fragappanes (he made it all by himself and anyone who knows Frank will tell you he has no sense of direction) and got me my favorite bakery item- cheese Danish. He also stopped to get me my favorite coffee to indulge in. About 9am, my handsome husband woke me up and had this whole breakfast ready. He sat in bed with me and let me watch one of my favorite silly reality shows and didn't even complain or tease the girls. Now that is my kind of morning! Next, we went about our usual Sunday routine and went to go and visit Frankie at the cemetery. I kept a strong face most of the time we were there visiting and talking. I had to tell him thank you for allowing me to live my dream of being a mom. Frank also gave me my gift at the cemetery while we were visiting Frankie because he wanted Frankie to be part of giving it to me. It was an open heart necklace for mother and child. The part where the child was in blue, the color we believe was Frankie's favorite because he loved being warm under those billi lights in the NICU. Don't ever take him off those billi lights is what we learned! This necklace has so much meaning, as all of my loss jewelry does and I wear them every day. Next we went shopping at Target and Frank didn't even complain once (a huge step!). Then on Sunday evening we took my mom out to dinner at her favorite place- Olive Garden.
I couldn't have asked for a better day. Every single person who sent a card, a sweet text message, a facebook post, or a phone call- I appreciate all of you. Thank you for making my first Mother's Day unforgettable!
Katy
I want to share my first Mother's Day. All things considered, it was a good day. Yes I was missing my Frankie and I had lots of tears to share on this day. My husband is my rock and made sure I had one of the best days I could ever have. He wanted to make sure my first Mother's day was something that I would remember. The whole week leading up to it was so special. All of the cards I received, gifts from friends, text messages, phone calls, and emails made me feel on top of the world. This was a day I was not sure what to expect. Leading up to the day, I was sad. It is not just Mother's Day but it brought out lots of feelings that I have been carrying in my heart over the last 8 months. Sad that I can't hold my baby in my arms, worried about disappointing him, and scared that I can't protect him from this world.
On Friday after a very long work day, Frank and I were going to go out for dinner. Before we left, I received a package in the mail. In it was a gift from my August 2012 moms. I have always wanted one of the footprint necklaces and guess what, I GOT IT! These moms took the time out of their busy lives to coordinate this gift to arrive on Mother's Day weekend. It went back to March when one of the August moms reached out to Frank to get a scanned copy of Frankie's footprints that they took in the NICU. My husband kept it a secret the whole time. As soon as I opened it, I put it on and it has not come off since. I will always have Frankie's footprints close to my heart.
Saturday I spent with my inlaws. It was a great day that was very calm and relaxing. I had an amazing dinner prepared by chef Frank (my father in law) at JJ's & Manda's (Frank's sister and now my sister- I couldn't be happier to say that right now) new and gorgeous house. It was perfect. We spent the afternoon and evening with the most amazing family a girl could ever ask to marry into.
Sunday was a bittersweet day. I woke up to find Frankie gone and preparing breakfast. I was told the night before not to get up until he came up to get me. He made me my favorite breakfast- strawberry crepes. He even woke up early and went to my favorite bakery Fragappanes (he made it all by himself and anyone who knows Frank will tell you he has no sense of direction) and got me my favorite bakery item- cheese Danish. He also stopped to get me my favorite coffee to indulge in. About 9am, my handsome husband woke me up and had this whole breakfast ready. He sat in bed with me and let me watch one of my favorite silly reality shows and didn't even complain or tease the girls. Now that is my kind of morning! Next, we went about our usual Sunday routine and went to go and visit Frankie at the cemetery. I kept a strong face most of the time we were there visiting and talking. I had to tell him thank you for allowing me to live my dream of being a mom. Frank also gave me my gift at the cemetery while we were visiting Frankie because he wanted Frankie to be part of giving it to me. It was an open heart necklace for mother and child. The part where the child was in blue, the color we believe was Frankie's favorite because he loved being warm under those billi lights in the NICU. Don't ever take him off those billi lights is what we learned! This necklace has so much meaning, as all of my loss jewelry does and I wear them every day. Next we went shopping at Target and Frank didn't even complain once (a huge step!). Then on Sunday evening we took my mom out to dinner at her favorite place- Olive Garden.
I couldn't have asked for a better day. Every single person who sent a card, a sweet text message, a facebook post, or a phone call- I appreciate all of you. Thank you for making my first Mother's Day unforgettable!
Katy
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven
A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven
by: Jody Seilheimer
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
... I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
by: Jody Seilheimer
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
... I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.
I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
What Makes A Mother
Last weekend I attended a brunch at Cornerstone of Hope for mothers who have had an infant or child loss. I brought my mom and my mother-in-law with me to share in this special day. At the brunch they shared a poem that I am still thinking about. It has such a beautiful and memorable message in it.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What Makes A Mother?"
And I knew I heard him say
A mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby is not with you?
Yes you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many woman babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
And cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love, life, and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mom sent me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On my pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and touch her cheek
And whisper in his ear
"Mommy please don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
You children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they will stay
They will wait for you with me
Until your lessons there are through
And on this day that you come home
they will be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love that you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown
Simply beautiful,,,
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What Makes A Mother?"
And I knew I heard him say
A mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby is not with you?
Yes you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many woman babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
And cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love, life, and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mom sent me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On my pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and touch her cheek
And whisper in his ear
"Mommy please don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
You children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they will stay
They will wait for you with me
Until your lessons there are through
And on this day that you come home
they will be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love that you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown
Simply beautiful,,,
Sunday, April 28, 2013
A mother's confidence
I spent over 9 months preparing my body for a baby. I would do anything that I had to do to have my dream come true to be a mother. Eating healthy, getting enough rest, watching your weight, drinking water by the liter each day, no caffeine, stretch marks, and watching your body change each week preparing for our first baby. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my belly got so big (as to be expected). Frank would laugh when I would be standing and you could see Frankie moving and kicking in my stomach. My entire stomach would move. I would be seeing patients at work and trying to be serious with who would just end of up laughing uncontrollably because my belly would move. Frankie was an active baby, he was always on the move in there.
I couldn't wait to have this baby in my arms. I was going to carry this baby with so much pride. I couldn't wait to go on walks while pushing the stroller, breastfeeding, and being too tired to even eat. I didn't get to have those experiences. Instead I had what I call the grief diet. I was too sad to eat, I was emotionally exhausted that I couldn't be active, and I didn't have that " glow" that a new mother has. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or able to do anything because every little thing was an effort. Looking back at it, I was proud of myself. I kept myself busy and left the house at least once a day to do something while on my maternity leave. It was a struggle at first being out of work for 6 weeks but I made the most of it.
There is something that a baby brings to you after it is born. Everyone focuses on the cute and new baby. I love looking at the happiness of the parents of a newborn baby in pictures. I still to this day love doing just that. Instead, I had stretch marks with no baby to look at immediately after to make me feel better. I had a stomach that was stretched to limits without the baby to hold up in front of it to block my stomach. Having a baby to show off to the world would bring me a type of confidence that I never had before and I was so excited.
Now instead of handing my baby over to others to snuggle, I show them the picture of my baby that I hold very close to me at all times. Frankie is my first son and we will never be able to replace him. As all mothers of angels do, I hold him in my huge heart. I have that new mother look that I give to other new moms and babies when I smile and just watch this bond take place. My situation is different but I have that new mother's look and confidence; it just comes a little bit later for moms who hold their babies in their hearts rather then in their arms.
Katy
I couldn't wait to have this baby in my arms. I was going to carry this baby with so much pride. I couldn't wait to go on walks while pushing the stroller, breastfeeding, and being too tired to even eat. I didn't get to have those experiences. Instead I had what I call the grief diet. I was too sad to eat, I was emotionally exhausted that I couldn't be active, and I didn't have that " glow" that a new mother has. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or able to do anything because every little thing was an effort. Looking back at it, I was proud of myself. I kept myself busy and left the house at least once a day to do something while on my maternity leave. It was a struggle at first being out of work for 6 weeks but I made the most of it.
There is something that a baby brings to you after it is born. Everyone focuses on the cute and new baby. I love looking at the happiness of the parents of a newborn baby in pictures. I still to this day love doing just that. Instead, I had stretch marks with no baby to look at immediately after to make me feel better. I had a stomach that was stretched to limits without the baby to hold up in front of it to block my stomach. Having a baby to show off to the world would bring me a type of confidence that I never had before and I was so excited.
Now instead of handing my baby over to others to snuggle, I show them the picture of my baby that I hold very close to me at all times. Frankie is my first son and we will never be able to replace him. As all mothers of angels do, I hold him in my huge heart. I have that new mother look that I give to other new moms and babies when I smile and just watch this bond take place. My situation is different but I have that new mother's look and confidence; it just comes a little bit later for moms who hold their babies in their hearts rather then in their arms.
Katy
Blog topics
I am always open to suggestions so please share if you think any blog topics would be helpful to read about. A few topics that have been very helpful to me are included below. I will be writing about a new topic once a week. So far my list includes:
1. Body image concerns with mothers after a loss.
6. Does it affect us to be see other children?
7. Being happy for others but being sad and envious of them at the same time.
8. What to do and how to support someone you know suffering from infant loss.
9. My biggest supporters
10. My fellow August moms and babies
11. Positive coping mechanisms
12. Triggers
I will be adding to this list as time goes on. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions for other topics as well. Thank you everyone for your love, support, and for following our life!
XOXO,
Katy
1. Body image concerns with mothers after a loss.
2. Do you have kids?
3. When are you going to have your first child?
4. Relationships with others and how they have changed.
5. Quotes, songs, resources for those suffering from infant loss. 6. Does it affect us to be see other children?
7. Being happy for others but being sad and envious of them at the same time.
8. What to do and how to support someone you know suffering from infant loss.
9. My biggest supporters
10. My fellow August moms and babies
11. Positive coping mechanisms
12. Triggers
I will be adding to this list as time goes on. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions for other topics as well. Thank you everyone for your love, support, and for following our life!
XOXO,
Katy
The new normal...
It has been a long time since I lost updated my blog. I have been searching for a way to get my own inner peace. Rest assured that I still don't have this figured out quite yet and I don't think I ever will. A few notes that I did make in regards to functioning in my new living normal include;
1. I have come to a calm feeling that I can't wait for life to make the changes for us but we need to do this ourselves. Celebrate each day.
2. As long as my husband is besides me during every step of my journey, I can make it through.
3. I am not the same person that I was before August 19, 2012, the day that my first child was welcomed into this amazing world. I feel I have developed a sense of calm, confidence in myself, and a type of love that I have never experienced.
4. Don't ever assume. You never know what is going on in the next person's life. Be nice, respectful, and courteous to every person you meet.
5. It is ok to tell family or friends that you can't do something and not feel bad after. If they are here for you, they will understand. You have to be selfish with yourself after you suffer a loss.
6. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It is just meant to happen that way. Those parents who have had to experience this happening to them are an unique group of people who understand this pain. I will always hold these people very dear to my heart.
7. It is ok to stay away from social media and the phone when you are having a hard day. It is ok to not return calls, emails, and text messages when you are having one of these days. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Everyone and everything else will be just fine and they will welcome you back with open arms.
8. My new saying in life "don't sweat the small stuff". Those who have been forced to deal with a tragedy will never take a moment in life for granted. Life is too short, live in the moment.
9. If you believe in yourself, your dreams will come true. Frank and I are going to get our family. No matter what we have to do or what it will cost us, the Cirillo family will only get larger as the years go on. It may be weeks, months, or years but we will get there when the time is right. In the meantime, please be patient and kind with us and our feelings on this dream of ours.
10. Our hurting heart will never stop aching. We will never stop thinking of our first son daily. We will never be the same people emotionally. We pray to our son every single night and that will be something we do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you to our friend and family for all of your love and support each and every day. We love you all very much and we couldn't ask for a better support system behind us. Thank you for checking on us, helping us, being patient with us, and supporting us in this fabulous life. We couldn't do it without you all.
XOXO,
Katy
1. I have come to a calm feeling that I can't wait for life to make the changes for us but we need to do this ourselves. Celebrate each day.
2. As long as my husband is besides me during every step of my journey, I can make it through.
3. I am not the same person that I was before August 19, 2012, the day that my first child was welcomed into this amazing world. I feel I have developed a sense of calm, confidence in myself, and a type of love that I have never experienced.
4. Don't ever assume. You never know what is going on in the next person's life. Be nice, respectful, and courteous to every person you meet.
5. It is ok to tell family or friends that you can't do something and not feel bad after. If they are here for you, they will understand. You have to be selfish with yourself after you suffer a loss.
6. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It is just meant to happen that way. Those parents who have had to experience this happening to them are an unique group of people who understand this pain. I will always hold these people very dear to my heart.
7. It is ok to stay away from social media and the phone when you are having a hard day. It is ok to not return calls, emails, and text messages when you are having one of these days. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Everyone and everything else will be just fine and they will welcome you back with open arms.
8. My new saying in life "don't sweat the small stuff". Those who have been forced to deal with a tragedy will never take a moment in life for granted. Life is too short, live in the moment.
9. If you believe in yourself, your dreams will come true. Frank and I are going to get our family. No matter what we have to do or what it will cost us, the Cirillo family will only get larger as the years go on. It may be weeks, months, or years but we will get there when the time is right. In the meantime, please be patient and kind with us and our feelings on this dream of ours.
10. Our hurting heart will never stop aching. We will never stop thinking of our first son daily. We will never be the same people emotionally. We pray to our son every single night and that will be something we do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you to our friend and family for all of your love and support each and every day. We love you all very much and we couldn't ask for a better support system behind us. Thank you for checking on us, helping us, being patient with us, and supporting us in this fabulous life. We couldn't do it without you all.
XOXO,
Katy
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Support Group Meeting 4
We go to Cornerstone of Hope in a house in Independence, OH every Saturday for this class. This foundation is amazing. This support group that has helped me in so many ways is free to us and the amount of help I have received from this group is something I could never put a price on. I can't wait to make a regular donation every year to Cornerstone of Hope to show our appreciation of them. When we went to today's class, we had a tour of the house. It is gorgeous. It has a library, meeting rooms, relaxation room with a room painted like the clouds, an arts and crafts room, and an entire huge area with toys and activities for kids. They hold support groups for kids and teenagers here too and it was great to see the different areas and rooms. Our homework for this week was to think of a quote/song/ book that has helped us through our journey. I brought 2 examples. Frank did one and I explained the other one. The comment that I gave was " An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for this earth". My angel is just perfect and at first, I was taken very back by this quote but now I find a lot of joy reading this. My angel is the most beautiful angel there is out there! Without a doubt in my mind, Frankie is loving his life up there in heaven since he can't be here with us. The second quote that we brought to class was what Frank shared. It was a line from my favorite childhood story book. Also, we have a copy of this book with Frankie that we sent him up to heaven with. From the book "I Love You Forever". The quote that I smile and brings me to an immediate place of peace fullness is "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." I can't begin to tell you in words how happy this makes me when I hear this. Frankie even has this book with this quote up in heaven with him!
After we shared our quotes, we watched a movie called "Tear Soup". It was an older movie but it was about a woman who is grieving the loss of a loved one and people and family are always trying to push her along in her grieving process not knowing how long it can take a person to grieve. Like any good soup, time, love, and salt (seasoning) make it taste so good. Never rush a person who is grieving and tears can be salty but we go about every day and "make our soup" or do what we do but we constantly think of our loved one we lost.
After the movie, we had art therapy. I FREAKED out at this point. I am terrible at art and without Pinterest, I would not be a crafty person at all. I don't have a creative bone in me. We made a collage with tissue paper picking 5 top emotions we feel off of a sheet of different emotions that are felt during this process. The emotions that I picked were determined (I am determined to have a family and will never give up), alienated (I knew there were other grieving parents out there in the world but never imagined meeting people in person who can sympathize with my heartache), anxious (I will never be able to have a pregnancy where I don't worry about my baby inside of me), confused (I don't understand if Frankie was so sick, how was eating and taking in food and weighed nearly 7 lbs but he had this problem where his stomach and esophagus that did not meet and couldn't have formula or breast feed when he was born until he had the surgery. I am also confused on what happened that day in the NICU. I still am very sure that the staff in the NICU were not working like they should have been that day and they were not honest with us what happened that day before we arrived), and the final and fifth emotion is sorry (we had a gorgeous baby that so many people did not get to meet. I am sorry for all of those who were not able to meet Frankie before he passed away). The 5 emotions that Frank chose were hurt/sad/sorry, guilty, envious/ jealous, angry, and proud.
We shared our feelings and explained our collages to the class. While we were all working on our project, we were all talking. It was my favorite part of the classes yet. We talked about where we bought our cribs and furniture, what we did with all the baby stuff, how we go to birthday parties for other babies, baby showers, pictures of our angels, and how we commemorate our angels every day. I loved just talking with the other mom and dads. It was great to hear what other people have to say and have been forced with this. Many people comfort us but this group of people comfort us in a a way that luckily most people can't because they just "know" how it feels.
Our class goes from 9am-11am. The class had to be let out at 12noon because something else was going to be going on. We enjoyed talking amongst one another that we went way over our meeting time that day. You know what, I was ok with that. In fact, this was my favorite part of any of the classes because we got to know each other on a different and personal level.
After we shared our quotes, we watched a movie called "Tear Soup". It was an older movie but it was about a woman who is grieving the loss of a loved one and people and family are always trying to push her along in her grieving process not knowing how long it can take a person to grieve. Like any good soup, time, love, and salt (seasoning) make it taste so good. Never rush a person who is grieving and tears can be salty but we go about every day and "make our soup" or do what we do but we constantly think of our loved one we lost.
After the movie, we had art therapy. I FREAKED out at this point. I am terrible at art and without Pinterest, I would not be a crafty person at all. I don't have a creative bone in me. We made a collage with tissue paper picking 5 top emotions we feel off of a sheet of different emotions that are felt during this process. The emotions that I picked were determined (I am determined to have a family and will never give up), alienated (I knew there were other grieving parents out there in the world but never imagined meeting people in person who can sympathize with my heartache), anxious (I will never be able to have a pregnancy where I don't worry about my baby inside of me), confused (I don't understand if Frankie was so sick, how was eating and taking in food and weighed nearly 7 lbs but he had this problem where his stomach and esophagus that did not meet and couldn't have formula or breast feed when he was born until he had the surgery. I am also confused on what happened that day in the NICU. I still am very sure that the staff in the NICU were not working like they should have been that day and they were not honest with us what happened that day before we arrived), and the final and fifth emotion is sorry (we had a gorgeous baby that so many people did not get to meet. I am sorry for all of those who were not able to meet Frankie before he passed away). The 5 emotions that Frank chose were hurt/sad/sorry, guilty, envious/ jealous, angry, and proud.
We shared our feelings and explained our collages to the class. While we were all working on our project, we were all talking. It was my favorite part of the classes yet. We talked about where we bought our cribs and furniture, what we did with all the baby stuff, how we go to birthday parties for other babies, baby showers, pictures of our angels, and how we commemorate our angels every day. I loved just talking with the other mom and dads. It was great to hear what other people have to say and have been forced with this. Many people comfort us but this group of people comfort us in a a way that luckily most people can't because they just "know" how it feels.
Our class goes from 9am-11am. The class had to be let out at 12noon because something else was going to be going on. We enjoyed talking amongst one another that we went way over our meeting time that day. You know what, I was ok with that. In fact, this was my favorite part of any of the classes because we got to know each other on a different and personal level.
Support Group Meeting 2 and 3
I am running a little behind on my recaps of our weekly support group but it is never too late to catch up.
The second group meeting was by far the hardest. We started the session by discussing our homework for the week. You had a shield with four quaderants. In the first quaderant, you wrote your child's name out and thought of adjectives that described our child with each letter of their name. Frank and I worked on this next to each other but we didn't share our adjectives. We had a lot of the same adjectives. My adjectives were F= Fighter R= Real A= Alert N= Noble K= Kind I= Impecable E= exciting. Frank's adjectives were F= Fighter R= Really hungry (since he didn't get to eat) A= Alert N= Near K= Kind I= Innocent E= Extraordinary. We share this with the class. Next was what made the class tough because I hate getting emotional and crying in front of other people. We told the story. I was really proud of how I started and discussed how we had a few complications during the pregnancy but for the most part everything was good. I went on to describe how I had to be induced into labor. Describing the tough 3.5 days I had started making me very teary. I talked about how when he came out and he was crying and I was in such a stage of great excitement. Frankie was perfect! I then talked about the best moment of my life when I had this alert and content baby in my arms and I was doing skin to skin contact. Frank started talking from there because I was getting choked up and he knows I hate balling in front of strangers. Frank did a great job telling our story in front of the group. August 25th will be a day that will never exist in my book of life on any year. Just like every time I pass by the Cleveland Clinic and have an anxiety attack before my anger starts coming out. It was so great to have other people who just understood me and had the similar feelings that we have. I finally felt like someone could sympathize with our pain. Everyone else in the class shared their story. There are 5 other babies/children who were brought into heaven way too early. We listened to the other 5 stories as I cried with each of the other moms. I have found so much help and support from this group of people. This is going to be a great release and experience for Frank and I. We always end each group with a nice prayer that helps to keep my faith going.
Third group meeting:
Our homework for this week was to answer the following questions. I felt comfortable answering these questions and I will share my answers here:
1. How has the loss of your love one affected you? I have learned to cherish every moment in my life.
2. How do you think you are coping? I think that I am coping the best to be expected. I also think I have dealth with my grief in a healthy way.
3. Who are your greatest supporters? Frank has been my rock. Family, friends, and my August Moms. I have been amazed by all the help and support that has been shown to us through this process.
4. What's the most challenging thing you find yourself dealing with? What to say to others when they ask me about what happened to my baby.
5. What have you had success with or dealth with rather well? Positive thinking about our future. Also my marriage has become an extreme level of strength that nothing will ever affect us the way this has. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!
We shared our answers and it was comforting to hear what other people had to say in response to the same questions. Next, we talked about our funeral and gave a description of the day. This was very comforting for me to share when I focused on where Frankie is. Right next to the greatest and strongest woman I have ever met in my entire life, my Grandma Allen. She is the world's best woman and my Frankie is the best little guy up there. They make a perfect pair. When Frankie and I spoke about our funeral, we focused on how it was small, special, private, and just the way we would have wanted it. Perfect was how we both summed it up in one word. We enjoyed to hear other poeple talk about the day for their angel. Some people kept it small, some had a very large gathering, some had a party. Everyone was so happy with their service. We also found out that one of the other little boys is at the same cemetery. I am sure Joey and Frankie are friends!
We shared some comforting things that people have done for us. We also shared things that really hurt us as we went through this process. One of the most comforting things to me was how many people sent us gifts, cards, flowers, thought of us, called to check on us, brought us food, kept me busy while I was off on maternity leave, and just the kindness of family and friends. We will never be able to forget this. One of the things that hurt me through this process was friends who were not there for me. Luckily I only had one which I will not be able to forgive that person for this and she is not longer my friend now. My life is better without negative people bringing us down and expecting us to be the same people we were months ago.
The second group meeting was by far the hardest. We started the session by discussing our homework for the week. You had a shield with four quaderants. In the first quaderant, you wrote your child's name out and thought of adjectives that described our child with each letter of their name. Frank and I worked on this next to each other but we didn't share our adjectives. We had a lot of the same adjectives. My adjectives were F= Fighter R= Real A= Alert N= Noble K= Kind I= Impecable E= exciting. Frank's adjectives were F= Fighter R= Really hungry (since he didn't get to eat) A= Alert N= Near K= Kind I= Innocent E= Extraordinary. We share this with the class. Next was what made the class tough because I hate getting emotional and crying in front of other people. We told the story. I was really proud of how I started and discussed how we had a few complications during the pregnancy but for the most part everything was good. I went on to describe how I had to be induced into labor. Describing the tough 3.5 days I had started making me very teary. I talked about how when he came out and he was crying and I was in such a stage of great excitement. Frankie was perfect! I then talked about the best moment of my life when I had this alert and content baby in my arms and I was doing skin to skin contact. Frank started talking from there because I was getting choked up and he knows I hate balling in front of strangers. Frank did a great job telling our story in front of the group. August 25th will be a day that will never exist in my book of life on any year. Just like every time I pass by the Cleveland Clinic and have an anxiety attack before my anger starts coming out. It was so great to have other people who just understood me and had the similar feelings that we have. I finally felt like someone could sympathize with our pain. Everyone else in the class shared their story. There are 5 other babies/children who were brought into heaven way too early. We listened to the other 5 stories as I cried with each of the other moms. I have found so much help and support from this group of people. This is going to be a great release and experience for Frank and I. We always end each group with a nice prayer that helps to keep my faith going.
Third group meeting:
Our homework for this week was to answer the following questions. I felt comfortable answering these questions and I will share my answers here:
1. How has the loss of your love one affected you? I have learned to cherish every moment in my life.
2. How do you think you are coping? I think that I am coping the best to be expected. I also think I have dealth with my grief in a healthy way.
3. Who are your greatest supporters? Frank has been my rock. Family, friends, and my August Moms. I have been amazed by all the help and support that has been shown to us through this process.
4. What's the most challenging thing you find yourself dealing with? What to say to others when they ask me about what happened to my baby.
5. What have you had success with or dealth with rather well? Positive thinking about our future. Also my marriage has become an extreme level of strength that nothing will ever affect us the way this has. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!
We shared our answers and it was comforting to hear what other people had to say in response to the same questions. Next, we talked about our funeral and gave a description of the day. This was very comforting for me to share when I focused on where Frankie is. Right next to the greatest and strongest woman I have ever met in my entire life, my Grandma Allen. She is the world's best woman and my Frankie is the best little guy up there. They make a perfect pair. When Frankie and I spoke about our funeral, we focused on how it was small, special, private, and just the way we would have wanted it. Perfect was how we both summed it up in one word. We enjoyed to hear other poeple talk about the day for their angel. Some people kept it small, some had a very large gathering, some had a party. Everyone was so happy with their service. We also found out that one of the other little boys is at the same cemetery. I am sure Joey and Frankie are friends!
We shared some comforting things that people have done for us. We also shared things that really hurt us as we went through this process. One of the most comforting things to me was how many people sent us gifts, cards, flowers, thought of us, called to check on us, brought us food, kept me busy while I was off on maternity leave, and just the kindness of family and friends. We will never be able to forget this. One of the things that hurt me through this process was friends who were not there for me. Luckily I only had one which I will not be able to forgive that person for this and she is not longer my friend now. My life is better without negative people bringing us down and expecting us to be the same people we were months ago.
Happy 6 months!!
Happy 6 months Frankie P!
Please don't kill me for not writing for awhile. I have been keeping Daddy and I very busy the last few weeks. Lots of family time, spring cleaning early, planning Mommy's trip, time with friends, and just focusing on keeping us happy. I know that is the way that you would have wanted it. You want Daddy and I keeping busy and happy so we have been doing that. We have had your cousins over a lot over the last few weeks. Mommy and Daddy enjoy spending time with the 3 of them on our own because it gives us the family aspect that we want so very much.
Can I tell you the funniest thing that happened when we were hanging out with Violet, Vince, and Casey? I know I told you about this but I wanted to share it here with you. We watched them for a sleepover so Brian and Mo could have a night out with no kids to worry about. Mom and Dad's goal was to keep those kids so active they would just crash. First we went to McDonalds for dinner and Vi and Vince played in the play area while Mom and Dad hung out and loved Casey. We left and on the way out, Vi says thank you for dinner and taking them to McDonalds. Next stop was Dave and Busters for more fun. Casey rode around in the stroller while Vi and Vince played games. After a few hours we left. As we were pulling out of the parking lot of D&B's, Casey starts yelling "thank you". That little guy, 1.5 years old was the first one to say thank you! I could already picture the conversation Aunt Mo and Uncle Brian had with them on the way over. Uncle Brian said "you all are to say thank you for everything, have manners, listen to Aunt Katy and Uncle Frank, and say thank you at all times". Casey heard that one loud and clear! It made Mommy and Daddy laugh so hard! I had to share that moment with you! Casey sleeps like an kind in your crib and he says thank you for sharing!
You are 6 months now! Happy half year pal! We love you so very much. We are thinking about you all of the time. Do you hear us praying to you each night? "The father, the son, and the holy ghost"! My night is not complete until I get to pray to you. If you were here, you know we would be saying prayers before story time here at our house. Mom and Dad are already planning your 1st birthday party. We are going to come to you and have a celebration! We will get you the best smash cake that money can buy!
Do you like your new toys? We left our class that we go to every Saturday and drove immediately to go shopping for you. We hit the jackpot! We spent so much money on you that day going overboard with the coolest things for you. You are spinning away there and you have the best little spot. We love to go and visit you every Sunday there at the cemetery. Nona and Papa came to visit today and they loved your spot and left you some toys too! You and your friends enjoy those gifts up there, ok? Nana and Tata go and visit you quite a bit too. You have a teddy bear and some winter toys out there from them.
Our Saturday class is going really well. It may have been the best thing that has helped me through this process. Talking to other Mom's and Dad's who have a child in heaven instead of in their arms has been a wonderful support system. We have made friends with lots of other people and we will be keeping in touch with this group of 10 people for sure. I will need to update you on all of these angel babies so you can make friends with them and watch out for each other up in the best place on earth. There is a new little girl that was brought up to heaven the other day. Her name is Hannah. I know you probably already met her and she has become one of your friends. She is a beautiful little girl!
I have some pictures to upload here. If I don't get to it tonight, I will make sure to put them up in the next few days. I have a chalk board that is the best photo prop E.V.E.R.!
We hope that sooner then the later we will have news that you are going to be a big brother. Nobody will ever be able to replace you but you would make the cutest and best big brother out there. I can't wait to share the big news with you because the moment that we find out that the Cirillo family will be growing, we will be on our way to see you and tell you the big news before we tell another person. Mom had some health things going on but things are starting to get cleared up now so time to get on the good foot as Dad says! You will always be our first baby and I honor you so many times every day. Who is going to be the best big brother out there- Frank P Cirillo IV!
Love you to the moon and back buddy! Here is the picture that I made for your 6 month birthday. Love you so much!
Please don't kill me for not writing for awhile. I have been keeping Daddy and I very busy the last few weeks. Lots of family time, spring cleaning early, planning Mommy's trip, time with friends, and just focusing on keeping us happy. I know that is the way that you would have wanted it. You want Daddy and I keeping busy and happy so we have been doing that. We have had your cousins over a lot over the last few weeks. Mommy and Daddy enjoy spending time with the 3 of them on our own because it gives us the family aspect that we want so very much.
Can I tell you the funniest thing that happened when we were hanging out with Violet, Vince, and Casey? I know I told you about this but I wanted to share it here with you. We watched them for a sleepover so Brian and Mo could have a night out with no kids to worry about. Mom and Dad's goal was to keep those kids so active they would just crash. First we went to McDonalds for dinner and Vi and Vince played in the play area while Mom and Dad hung out and loved Casey. We left and on the way out, Vi says thank you for dinner and taking them to McDonalds. Next stop was Dave and Busters for more fun. Casey rode around in the stroller while Vi and Vince played games. After a few hours we left. As we were pulling out of the parking lot of D&B's, Casey starts yelling "thank you". That little guy, 1.5 years old was the first one to say thank you! I could already picture the conversation Aunt Mo and Uncle Brian had with them on the way over. Uncle Brian said "you all are to say thank you for everything, have manners, listen to Aunt Katy and Uncle Frank, and say thank you at all times". Casey heard that one loud and clear! It made Mommy and Daddy laugh so hard! I had to share that moment with you! Casey sleeps like an kind in your crib and he says thank you for sharing!
You are 6 months now! Happy half year pal! We love you so very much. We are thinking about you all of the time. Do you hear us praying to you each night? "The father, the son, and the holy ghost"! My night is not complete until I get to pray to you. If you were here, you know we would be saying prayers before story time here at our house. Mom and Dad are already planning your 1st birthday party. We are going to come to you and have a celebration! We will get you the best smash cake that money can buy!
Do you like your new toys? We left our class that we go to every Saturday and drove immediately to go shopping for you. We hit the jackpot! We spent so much money on you that day going overboard with the coolest things for you. You are spinning away there and you have the best little spot. We love to go and visit you every Sunday there at the cemetery. Nona and Papa came to visit today and they loved your spot and left you some toys too! You and your friends enjoy those gifts up there, ok? Nana and Tata go and visit you quite a bit too. You have a teddy bear and some winter toys out there from them.
Our Saturday class is going really well. It may have been the best thing that has helped me through this process. Talking to other Mom's and Dad's who have a child in heaven instead of in their arms has been a wonderful support system. We have made friends with lots of other people and we will be keeping in touch with this group of 10 people for sure. I will need to update you on all of these angel babies so you can make friends with them and watch out for each other up in the best place on earth. There is a new little girl that was brought up to heaven the other day. Her name is Hannah. I know you probably already met her and she has become one of your friends. She is a beautiful little girl!
I have some pictures to upload here. If I don't get to it tonight, I will make sure to put them up in the next few days. I have a chalk board that is the best photo prop E.V.E.R.!
We hope that sooner then the later we will have news that you are going to be a big brother. Nobody will ever be able to replace you but you would make the cutest and best big brother out there. I can't wait to share the big news with you because the moment that we find out that the Cirillo family will be growing, we will be on our way to see you and tell you the big news before we tell another person. Mom had some health things going on but things are starting to get cleared up now so time to get on the good foot as Dad says! You will always be our first baby and I honor you so many times every day. Who is going to be the best big brother out there- Frank P Cirillo IV!
Love you to the moon and back buddy! Here is the picture that I made for your 6 month birthday. Love you so much!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Support Meeting #1
I have started attending a support meeting group for parents who lost an infant while in the later stages of utero, still birth, or within the first year of life. This group will be meeting every week for 9 weeks, January 26- March 23 at Cornerstone in Independence, OH. We will reflect our feelings, share out feelings, support one another, and the best thing for me- to learn about how to deal appropriately with an infant loss.
The first class, I went by myself. I was ok with this because I am never going to tell a person how to grieve and what they should do. I mentioned it to Frank and he wanted more time to think about it. I went to the first group meeting and went home and told Frank all about it. Now Frank will be coming to join us starting next week. There are 5 other couples and 2 moderators of the group. I felt so great meeting other people. I knew that we were not the only people who experienced an infant loss but going to this group and seeing other couples have had the same experience in common unfortunately was so refreshing to me. I know I am not the only one, not that I ever thought that but seeing these other parents who are hurting the same way I am made me feel like I really fit in here.
We started by sitting in a circle. I was the first person to enter the room and sit down. I was by myself and everyone else was a couple so I wanted to sit next to one of the moderators just in case I needed someone to help me. On the other side of me was a woman named Maria who was there with her husband Nick. I feel like I "connected" with her from the start. We went around the circle and we introduced ourselves, stated what our current job was, and what our dream job is. I went first and as everyone else kept speaking, little details about our losses came up. Throughout each of us talking, I started to tell people that I had the same problem or agreed with them. Next, we learned about how to be respectful to the other adults in the room and covered guidelines of the group. Next we filled our registration forms and received some homework assignments for the next week. We are to fill out a survey on feelings we have experienced in the last week. Also, we have a shield and in the first quadrant, we are to write our baby's name and think of a word that describes our baby for every letter in the name. The last project that we did to end the group is look at a map and a list of cars. We had to say our form of transportation and where we were on the map. Forms of transportation included mini van, semi, old beat up car, sports car, a bike, and horse and carriage. On the map, locations included guilty gully, frightened woods. anger, sad, etc. I chose the mini van because I feel safe in the mini van. Not moving too fast and not moving too slow. It was interesting to here what everyone else had to say. We ended the class in a prayer.
Each week, I look forward to updating on my blog how each support group meeting goes over the course of 9 weeks.
The first class, I went by myself. I was ok with this because I am never going to tell a person how to grieve and what they should do. I mentioned it to Frank and he wanted more time to think about it. I went to the first group meeting and went home and told Frank all about it. Now Frank will be coming to join us starting next week. There are 5 other couples and 2 moderators of the group. I felt so great meeting other people. I knew that we were not the only people who experienced an infant loss but going to this group and seeing other couples have had the same experience in common unfortunately was so refreshing to me. I know I am not the only one, not that I ever thought that but seeing these other parents who are hurting the same way I am made me feel like I really fit in here.
We started by sitting in a circle. I was the first person to enter the room and sit down. I was by myself and everyone else was a couple so I wanted to sit next to one of the moderators just in case I needed someone to help me. On the other side of me was a woman named Maria who was there with her husband Nick. I feel like I "connected" with her from the start. We went around the circle and we introduced ourselves, stated what our current job was, and what our dream job is. I went first and as everyone else kept speaking, little details about our losses came up. Throughout each of us talking, I started to tell people that I had the same problem or agreed with them. Next, we learned about how to be respectful to the other adults in the room and covered guidelines of the group. Next we filled our registration forms and received some homework assignments for the next week. We are to fill out a survey on feelings we have experienced in the last week. Also, we have a shield and in the first quadrant, we are to write our baby's name and think of a word that describes our baby for every letter in the name. The last project that we did to end the group is look at a map and a list of cars. We had to say our form of transportation and where we were on the map. Forms of transportation included mini van, semi, old beat up car, sports car, a bike, and horse and carriage. On the map, locations included guilty gully, frightened woods. anger, sad, etc. I chose the mini van because I feel safe in the mini van. Not moving too fast and not moving too slow. It was interesting to here what everyone else had to say. We ended the class in a prayer.
Each week, I look forward to updating on my blog how each support group meeting goes over the course of 9 weeks.
Sunday Funday!
Hi Frankie!
Happy Sunday Funday! It was a great weekend and our entire day was spent with family. I feel so good and "refreshed" after today. Nona and Papa have been having a tough time. If you could keep an extra eye out on them, Mom and Dad would really appreciate it. Papa has been really worried about Mom and Dad and has been down in the dumps that he has been dealt a bad hand in life. We had a great talk with Papa and Aunt Manda and Nona joined us. Papa is going to do great moving forward but he needs some good thoughts sent his way if you could watch out for that. Thanks mom's sweet boy!
We saw your cousins tonight for a little bit. It was so great to see them! Mom and Dad love those kids, they are such happy and well behaved kids. They are coming over to spend the night with us on Saturday. Since you can't be in the crib (I know you have a better crib up there in heaven anyways), your little cousin Casey is going to sleep in it. Violet and Vince will sleep in Nona and Papa's room. Casey is still a baby and he needs a crib. To be honest with you buddy, I am looking forward to having kids in this house. I know one day we are going to have kids of our own here with us but while we wait, I am so excited to have your cousins stay the night. I love being your mommy Frankie! I have the most gorgeous angel a person can ask for. I hope to sneak in a quick cuddle with Casey in the rocker and being able to peek into that room during the night and have a baby in that crib. If it can't be you, the next best thing would be your handsome cousin Casey. I know the night of the sleepover, you are going to be here with us in spirit. I will keep the little giraffe out that symbolizes you our watching us all night! I will report on our visit on Sunday how it went.
Mom started a class yesterday that meets every Saturday morning. Daddy is going to be joining me next week and we get to talk all about you. Mommy met some really nice mommies there and after next week, I am going to take note of all the other angel babies from my group for you to watch over. Then Mom and Dad went out on a date. Frankie, I am so proud of your daddy right now. I tell him this but honest to goodness, i am so proud of him. There was a long time where we were not able to leave the house and we wanted to just stay in. Now we are back to being fun old Fraty. Dating around the town, going to the mall, going to see friends, parties, and just getting out. I am so happy that he is making his jokes (appropriate and inappropriate) again and being the center of attention. I have a different kind of surreal love for you and Daddy that I will never be able to ever talk about it. Thank you for helping Daddy be so wonderful.
We miss you buddy, not a minute goes by that either dad or I are not thinking of you. I am so glad you are not suffering and I know you are having the best life a baby could ask for where not a single thing goes wrong in the perfect world of heaven. I would take pain and suffering every day of my life just to make sure you are safe and the happiest that you can be. With you in Grandma's arms, I know you are in the best hands I could ask for. Mom and Dad are going to be shopping for some new decorations to bring you at the cemetery. It is hard in the winter but you have been working so hard keeping everyone safe and healthy that I told Daddy we need to find the best treat that a baby boy of 5.5 months could ever want.
Love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy!
Mama
Happy Sunday Funday! It was a great weekend and our entire day was spent with family. I feel so good and "refreshed" after today. Nona and Papa have been having a tough time. If you could keep an extra eye out on them, Mom and Dad would really appreciate it. Papa has been really worried about Mom and Dad and has been down in the dumps that he has been dealt a bad hand in life. We had a great talk with Papa and Aunt Manda and Nona joined us. Papa is going to do great moving forward but he needs some good thoughts sent his way if you could watch out for that. Thanks mom's sweet boy!
We saw your cousins tonight for a little bit. It was so great to see them! Mom and Dad love those kids, they are such happy and well behaved kids. They are coming over to spend the night with us on Saturday. Since you can't be in the crib (I know you have a better crib up there in heaven anyways), your little cousin Casey is going to sleep in it. Violet and Vince will sleep in Nona and Papa's room. Casey is still a baby and he needs a crib. To be honest with you buddy, I am looking forward to having kids in this house. I know one day we are going to have kids of our own here with us but while we wait, I am so excited to have your cousins stay the night. I love being your mommy Frankie! I have the most gorgeous angel a person can ask for. I hope to sneak in a quick cuddle with Casey in the rocker and being able to peek into that room during the night and have a baby in that crib. If it can't be you, the next best thing would be your handsome cousin Casey. I know the night of the sleepover, you are going to be here with us in spirit. I will keep the little giraffe out that symbolizes you our watching us all night! I will report on our visit on Sunday how it went.
Mom started a class yesterday that meets every Saturday morning. Daddy is going to be joining me next week and we get to talk all about you. Mommy met some really nice mommies there and after next week, I am going to take note of all the other angel babies from my group for you to watch over. Then Mom and Dad went out on a date. Frankie, I am so proud of your daddy right now. I tell him this but honest to goodness, i am so proud of him. There was a long time where we were not able to leave the house and we wanted to just stay in. Now we are back to being fun old Fraty. Dating around the town, going to the mall, going to see friends, parties, and just getting out. I am so happy that he is making his jokes (appropriate and inappropriate) again and being the center of attention. I have a different kind of surreal love for you and Daddy that I will never be able to ever talk about it. Thank you for helping Daddy be so wonderful.
We miss you buddy, not a minute goes by that either dad or I are not thinking of you. I am so glad you are not suffering and I know you are having the best life a baby could ask for where not a single thing goes wrong in the perfect world of heaven. I would take pain and suffering every day of my life just to make sure you are safe and the happiest that you can be. With you in Grandma's arms, I know you are in the best hands I could ask for. Mom and Dad are going to be shopping for some new decorations to bring you at the cemetery. It is hard in the winter but you have been working so hard keeping everyone safe and healthy that I told Daddy we need to find the best treat that a baby boy of 5.5 months could ever want.
Love you to the moon and back sweet baby boy!
Mama
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Happy 5 months to you!
Hey Buddy,
Happy 5 months to you today. If you were here we would take your picture in the cute as hell onesie that Aunt Manda made you for this month. I would have you sit in the rocking chair with your blue doggy that Daddy bought you. Babies your age are starting to eat baby food, rice cereal, some are teething, and some can roll over now. In heaven where you are, every day is a big day. Every day is like a party up there I bet!
Sorry I didn't write for a few weeks. Our computer crashed and I was not able to type you letters on my phone. I have some catching up to do. Daddy and I got new appliances for the kitchen and they were delivered today. We went and ran errands today and we ran into Aunt Mo, Uncle Brian, and your cousins Violet, Vince, and Casey. Violet and Vince are growing up so quickly. They are coming over for a sleepover here in a few weeks. Is it ok if your cousin Casey sleeps in your crib? I am sure you would mind. I will love having a baby sleep in that crib. If it can't be you, we couldn't think of another baby we would want in there then Casey.
May I put in a few requests to the best looking angel ever to exist? A lot of the pals on the August board are having trouble sleeping. Their moms laugh because they are laughing and wanting to have fun during the middle of the night. I can't help but think that you are paying them a visit during the middle of the night! Thanks for coming in and playing with them to keep them laughing but maybe we can give the mommas a little bit of a break too? Most of the babies are feeling better now. A few colds but all of the babies are out of the hospital. I know you have been busy up there but you do such a good job for everyone.
Can you keep mom and dad in your good vibes as well. We are working very hard right now in making you a big brother. I know you want to be a big brother and we want to have a baby in our arms again because we had such a great time holding you! Mom and Dad's friends Becky and Sean need these same good vibes sent to them if you don't mind. Thanks Frankie!!
Things are going well here. It has been warm and cold and warm and cold.It has been very strange here this year. We keep dreaming of having that baby (babies) in our arms. Would you mind if mommy went to the hosptial as a volunteer and rock and snuggle some babies in the NICU (sick baby unit as I call it)? They can't provide me with the love that you did but it is the next best thing.
How are you? Are Grandma and Silvie great? Are you getting really big and eating lots of good food up there? Sipping on Gram's red wine? I bet you are looking so fancy these days! I often find myself imagining what you look like as you grown up. You probably have Dad's cute nose and ears. You have mom's long legs for sure with dark, thick hair for sure.
Mom and Dad's favorite time of the week is tomorrow and we will get to visit and talk to you! I hope you are up when we come visit so you know that we are there to talk and see you. Please always know that Dad and I love you to the moon and back buddy! See you in a few short hours!
Love you sooooooo much!
Mom and Dad
Happy 5 months to you today. If you were here we would take your picture in the cute as hell onesie that Aunt Manda made you for this month. I would have you sit in the rocking chair with your blue doggy that Daddy bought you. Babies your age are starting to eat baby food, rice cereal, some are teething, and some can roll over now. In heaven where you are, every day is a big day. Every day is like a party up there I bet!
Sorry I didn't write for a few weeks. Our computer crashed and I was not able to type you letters on my phone. I have some catching up to do. Daddy and I got new appliances for the kitchen and they were delivered today. We went and ran errands today and we ran into Aunt Mo, Uncle Brian, and your cousins Violet, Vince, and Casey. Violet and Vince are growing up so quickly. They are coming over for a sleepover here in a few weeks. Is it ok if your cousin Casey sleeps in your crib? I am sure you would mind. I will love having a baby sleep in that crib. If it can't be you, we couldn't think of another baby we would want in there then Casey.
May I put in a few requests to the best looking angel ever to exist? A lot of the pals on the August board are having trouble sleeping. Their moms laugh because they are laughing and wanting to have fun during the middle of the night. I can't help but think that you are paying them a visit during the middle of the night! Thanks for coming in and playing with them to keep them laughing but maybe we can give the mommas a little bit of a break too? Most of the babies are feeling better now. A few colds but all of the babies are out of the hospital. I know you have been busy up there but you do such a good job for everyone.
Can you keep mom and dad in your good vibes as well. We are working very hard right now in making you a big brother. I know you want to be a big brother and we want to have a baby in our arms again because we had such a great time holding you! Mom and Dad's friends Becky and Sean need these same good vibes sent to them if you don't mind. Thanks Frankie!!
Things are going well here. It has been warm and cold and warm and cold.It has been very strange here this year. We keep dreaming of having that baby (babies) in our arms. Would you mind if mommy went to the hosptial as a volunteer and rock and snuggle some babies in the NICU (sick baby unit as I call it)? They can't provide me with the love that you did but it is the next best thing.
How are you? Are Grandma and Silvie great? Are you getting really big and eating lots of good food up there? Sipping on Gram's red wine? I bet you are looking so fancy these days! I often find myself imagining what you look like as you grown up. You probably have Dad's cute nose and ears. You have mom's long legs for sure with dark, thick hair for sure.
Mom and Dad's favorite time of the week is tomorrow and we will get to visit and talk to you! I hope you are up when we come visit so you know that we are there to talk and see you. Please always know that Dad and I love you to the moon and back buddy! See you in a few short hours!
Love you sooooooo much!
Mom and Dad
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
My Angel Frankie~
Happy New Years angel! 2013 is here and it is going to be a great year for you, mom, and dad. We are going to bring you more treats on our visits to you and although we think of you about 50 times a day at least, I think we will only continue to think more about you as we work on making you a proud big brother.
How was New Years Eve in heaven? Did you have a dance party with good food and drinks? Did you have a good celebration with your your great grandparents up there? We had a nice night. Although I would kill to be at home with you but since you are not, mom ad dad had a night on the town. We had a nice dinner and drinks. Today we relaxed, had snacks, and dad took good care of mommy so she could have a relaxing day.
Daddy and I have been thinking and talking a lot lately. We know that you are in the safest place in heaven not having to go through being sick or having a single struggle. You are a baby, you shouldn't have to struggle. Mommy and Daddy are adults and we struggle because we miss you so much. It would break my heart watching you suffer over having stomach issues, swallowing problems, and having to maybe eat through a tube. This is trachea esophageal fistula- you know what Frankie, it stinks the big one. Mom and Dad are here to be the parents and the adults to soften the burden for you so you can be a baby and have a happy life in heaven. We love you so much and I would kill to have you here with us. We would adjust our lives and take the best care of you but I know you would be suffering.
The day you were born was the best thing that ever happened to dad and I. Thank you for being in our lives buddy! Now for 2013, we will be striving to make you happy every day up there. We know you are with us smiling down at us every single day and watching over us. Dad and I are pretty boring so we can't wait until you have a baby brother or sister to watch over that will bring some excitement to you.
The family loved your ornaments that you got them! We also have a few gifts from Nona and Papa here at the house that we want to bring to you on there next visit to you. Some of Mom and Dad's friends made donations in your name to the Ronald McDonald house. Mom has to work on getting some thank you cards out to them.
Here is to 2013 and we can't wait for all the great news that this year is going to bring to you and us!
Love you to the moon and back!
Mom and Dad
Happy New Years angel! 2013 is here and it is going to be a great year for you, mom, and dad. We are going to bring you more treats on our visits to you and although we think of you about 50 times a day at least, I think we will only continue to think more about you as we work on making you a proud big brother.
How was New Years Eve in heaven? Did you have a dance party with good food and drinks? Did you have a good celebration with your your great grandparents up there? We had a nice night. Although I would kill to be at home with you but since you are not, mom ad dad had a night on the town. We had a nice dinner and drinks. Today we relaxed, had snacks, and dad took good care of mommy so she could have a relaxing day.
Daddy and I have been thinking and talking a lot lately. We know that you are in the safest place in heaven not having to go through being sick or having a single struggle. You are a baby, you shouldn't have to struggle. Mommy and Daddy are adults and we struggle because we miss you so much. It would break my heart watching you suffer over having stomach issues, swallowing problems, and having to maybe eat through a tube. This is trachea esophageal fistula- you know what Frankie, it stinks the big one. Mom and Dad are here to be the parents and the adults to soften the burden for you so you can be a baby and have a happy life in heaven. We love you so much and I would kill to have you here with us. We would adjust our lives and take the best care of you but I know you would be suffering.
The day you were born was the best thing that ever happened to dad and I. Thank you for being in our lives buddy! Now for 2013, we will be striving to make you happy every day up there. We know you are with us smiling down at us every single day and watching over us. Dad and I are pretty boring so we can't wait until you have a baby brother or sister to watch over that will bring some excitement to you.
The family loved your ornaments that you got them! We also have a few gifts from Nona and Papa here at the house that we want to bring to you on there next visit to you. Some of Mom and Dad's friends made donations in your name to the Ronald McDonald house. Mom has to work on getting some thank you cards out to them.
Here is to 2013 and we can't wait for all the great news that this year is going to bring to you and us!
Love you to the moon and back!
Mom and Dad
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