I have given it all the effort I can but bed rest started on Friday. Off work indefinitely until after Sammy arrives. When I am sitting I have a great blood pressure but when I am up moving and doing things it starts to shoot up. To say I was shocked with the order from the Dr. is an understatement. After I had a few hours to think about it and put some things in perspective, it is the best thing for me and by far the best thing for Sammy. I am such a busy body person with social outings at least 2 weeknights a week, working full time and then some, and celebrating the holiday season that I must say it is going to be ok. No driving, no lifting, no exercising, and no strenuous activities but I will be making the best of it. Frank has been wonderful, beyond amazing actually. All that I used to do, he is now doing. Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, driving, talking to all the family members for reports, and taking superb care of the both of us. I can't thank him enough!
What will Sammy and I be up to over the next few weeks- we have quite a schedule, rest assured of that! Friday was Day 1. We relaxed a ton, I was so happy checking my blood pressures and see fabulous numbers coming across. We watched a Christmas movie and started a daily activity where I read Sammy a book. We are going to go through all the Dr. Seuss books first. I couldn't think of a better book to start this with then Green Eggs and Ham (Sam I am!). I spend lots of time talking to Sammy and letting him know how excited we are to have him home with us soon. I swear I haven't lost my mind, he can hear my voice and he does recognize it, I promise :) It is these little things that I am doing to connect with him while I have all this free time on my hands. Why wait until he gets here, start those Mom and baby bonding moments now. This week we are going to do lots of holiday wrapping of gifts, read daily stories, organize his drawers (again), rest, and TONS of relaxation. Thursday will be my day out with 2 Dr.'s appointments and a day with Manda so Frank is able to go to work. I will have someone with me to take me to my appointments and be there with me. Other then that, we will be stationed here in the house! I am already excited for Thursday to break out of the house and check on this perfect little boy!
What I can report is Sammy is doing great! Heart is perfect, activity is good, and size is great. I just need to watch myself and my activity to keep my blood pressure at bay to keep him growing for a little bit longer. They anticipate delivery in about 4 weeks all depending on his size, my blood pressure, and his lung maturity. I started with Frankie at 37 weeks and 6 days so they will keep that same schedule this time around as well. We are so excited to get him home with us but we want a healthy baby with no NICU needed this time around. Sammy can come whenever he is ready! We are prepared and ready to welcome him to this world!
Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers until we walk through this front door with this miracle. Until then, wish me luck as a full time Mom taking care of my baby! XOXO
Marriage, infant loss, family
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Pictures of our miracle
I don't think my words can begin to express how grateful I am for this miracle to be coming into our family in less then 2 months. I cried tears (happy tears) as our sweet ultrasound tech brought these pictures up. She knew how exciting of a time for us this was and she allowed us to enjoy every second. After she left the room and we were waiting for the Dr. to come in, she left the last picture up on the big screen in the room so we could continue to be in awe of it. Cue some more tears at this point, I just can't believe how perfect this little boy is.
Now on to the health stuff... Sam weighs 4.5lbs at 33 weeks. Weight in range= check. Mom's fluid levels being in normal range= check. I was worried about the fluid levels which can be indicative of a concern with my blood pressure if they are too high. Need not to worry about that! Sam's organs measuring properly and in range= check. Then as we are reassured every single ultrasound... his esophagus and stomach are attached = CHECK CHECK CHECK!
I still have nerves and anxiety that will be staying with me unfortunately until we walk through our front door with this baby in tow. Thank you to every person in our lives who supports us, thinks of us, and prays for us. If we may ask to keep those prayers coming because as I have been saying all along through this journey- have hope for the future and prayers heal.
XOXO- The Cirillo Family
Men and Woman grieve differently and that is ok
Another article that I found today that I would like to share.
http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html
http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
The article that I shared in the post before this one was found on Still Standing Magazine. I find myself being able to relate to so much that is discussed and posted on the Still Standing facebook page. This article had me thinking that someone went into my head and wrote about every single feeling I feel at this moment. The day I found it last week, I read it about 3 times in a row because I was so comforted by it. To know that others feel the same way I do hits very close to home for me. After reading the article, I had many points of my own to add to some of the same feelings that the blogger expressed.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
Article- Pregnancy after loss
http://loveisdeeperstill.blogspot.com/2013/11/pregnancy-after-loss-paradox.html
I am wanting to share this article with my readers. I couldn't think of a better way to explain how I feel right now and this article explains every emotion I am feeling.
Catch up on life with the Cirillo family
As we are here during the time to spread the word on what we are thankful for, I will begin with saying I am so happy to have a laptop. All those close to me heard my weekly vents of missing my computer for about 6 weeks while it was being shipped from our house to Best Buy. This home to Best Buy process was repeated 4 times with our poor laptop never being fixed. Finally I about had it and we heard the good news that we can pick out a new computer. Soooo here I am typing on our brand new laptop and I couldn't be happier. I missed out on posting here about my grief project, uploading pictures from my camera, and doing anything that involved any thought just couldn't be done from my phone. Now that I can blog again, I would like to update our friends and family on what is going on with the Cirillo family.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
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