The article that I shared in the post before this one was found on Still Standing Magazine. I find myself being able to relate to so much that is discussed and posted on the Still Standing facebook page. This article had me thinking that someone went into my head and wrote about every single feeling I feel at this moment. The day I found it last week, I read it about 3 times in a row because I was so comforted by it. To know that others feel the same way I do hits very close to home for me. After reading the article, I had many points of my own to add to some of the same feelings that the blogger expressed.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
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