I spent over 9 months preparing my body for a baby. I would do anything that I had to do to have my dream come true to be a mother. Eating healthy, getting enough rest, watching your weight, drinking water by the liter each day, no caffeine, stretch marks, and watching your body change each week preparing for our first baby. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my belly got so big (as to be expected). Frank would laugh when I would be standing and you could see Frankie moving and kicking in my stomach. My entire stomach would move. I would be seeing patients at work and trying to be serious with who would just end of up laughing uncontrollably because my belly would move. Frankie was an active baby, he was always on the move in there.
I couldn't wait to have this baby in my arms. I was going to carry this baby with so much pride. I couldn't wait to go on walks while pushing the stroller, breastfeeding, and being too tired to even eat. I didn't get to have those experiences. Instead I had what I call the grief diet. I was too sad to eat, I was emotionally exhausted that I couldn't be active, and I didn't have that " glow" that a new mother has. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or able to do anything because every little thing was an effort. Looking back at it, I was proud of myself. I kept myself busy and left the house at least once a day to do something while on my maternity leave. It was a struggle at first being out of work for 6 weeks but I made the most of it.
There is something that a baby brings to you after it is born. Everyone focuses on the cute and new baby. I love looking at the happiness of the parents of a newborn baby in pictures. I still to this day love doing just that. Instead, I had stretch marks with no baby to look at immediately after to make me feel better. I had a stomach that was stretched to limits without the baby to hold up in front of it to block my stomach. Having a baby to show off to the world would bring me a type of confidence that I never had before and I was so excited.
Now instead of handing my baby over to others to snuggle, I show them the picture of my baby that I hold very close to me at all times. Frankie is my first son and we will never be able to replace him. As all mothers of angels do, I hold him in my huge heart. I have that new mother look that I give to other new moms and babies when I smile and just watch this bond take place. My situation is different but I have that new mother's look and confidence; it just comes a little bit later for moms who hold their babies in their hearts rather then in their arms.
Katy
Marriage, infant loss, family
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Blog topics
I am always open to suggestions so please share if you think any blog topics would be helpful to read about. A few topics that have been very helpful to me are included below. I will be writing about a new topic once a week. So far my list includes:
1. Body image concerns with mothers after a loss.
6. Does it affect us to be see other children?
7. Being happy for others but being sad and envious of them at the same time.
8. What to do and how to support someone you know suffering from infant loss.
9. My biggest supporters
10. My fellow August moms and babies
11. Positive coping mechanisms
12. Triggers
I will be adding to this list as time goes on. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions for other topics as well. Thank you everyone for your love, support, and for following our life!
XOXO,
Katy
1. Body image concerns with mothers after a loss.
2. Do you have kids?
3. When are you going to have your first child?
4. Relationships with others and how they have changed.
5. Quotes, songs, resources for those suffering from infant loss. 6. Does it affect us to be see other children?
7. Being happy for others but being sad and envious of them at the same time.
8. What to do and how to support someone you know suffering from infant loss.
9. My biggest supporters
10. My fellow August moms and babies
11. Positive coping mechanisms
12. Triggers
I will be adding to this list as time goes on. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions for other topics as well. Thank you everyone for your love, support, and for following our life!
XOXO,
Katy
The new normal...
It has been a long time since I lost updated my blog. I have been searching for a way to get my own inner peace. Rest assured that I still don't have this figured out quite yet and I don't think I ever will. A few notes that I did make in regards to functioning in my new living normal include;
1. I have come to a calm feeling that I can't wait for life to make the changes for us but we need to do this ourselves. Celebrate each day.
2. As long as my husband is besides me during every step of my journey, I can make it through.
3. I am not the same person that I was before August 19, 2012, the day that my first child was welcomed into this amazing world. I feel I have developed a sense of calm, confidence in myself, and a type of love that I have never experienced.
4. Don't ever assume. You never know what is going on in the next person's life. Be nice, respectful, and courteous to every person you meet.
5. It is ok to tell family or friends that you can't do something and not feel bad after. If they are here for you, they will understand. You have to be selfish with yourself after you suffer a loss.
6. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It is just meant to happen that way. Those parents who have had to experience this happening to them are an unique group of people who understand this pain. I will always hold these people very dear to my heart.
7. It is ok to stay away from social media and the phone when you are having a hard day. It is ok to not return calls, emails, and text messages when you are having one of these days. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Everyone and everything else will be just fine and they will welcome you back with open arms.
8. My new saying in life "don't sweat the small stuff". Those who have been forced to deal with a tragedy will never take a moment in life for granted. Life is too short, live in the moment.
9. If you believe in yourself, your dreams will come true. Frank and I are going to get our family. No matter what we have to do or what it will cost us, the Cirillo family will only get larger as the years go on. It may be weeks, months, or years but we will get there when the time is right. In the meantime, please be patient and kind with us and our feelings on this dream of ours.
10. Our hurting heart will never stop aching. We will never stop thinking of our first son daily. We will never be the same people emotionally. We pray to our son every single night and that will be something we do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you to our friend and family for all of your love and support each and every day. We love you all very much and we couldn't ask for a better support system behind us. Thank you for checking on us, helping us, being patient with us, and supporting us in this fabulous life. We couldn't do it without you all.
XOXO,
Katy
1. I have come to a calm feeling that I can't wait for life to make the changes for us but we need to do this ourselves. Celebrate each day.
2. As long as my husband is besides me during every step of my journey, I can make it through.
3. I am not the same person that I was before August 19, 2012, the day that my first child was welcomed into this amazing world. I feel I have developed a sense of calm, confidence in myself, and a type of love that I have never experienced.
4. Don't ever assume. You never know what is going on in the next person's life. Be nice, respectful, and courteous to every person you meet.
5. It is ok to tell family or friends that you can't do something and not feel bad after. If they are here for you, they will understand. You have to be selfish with yourself after you suffer a loss.
6. No parent should ever have to bury their own child. It is just meant to happen that way. Those parents who have had to experience this happening to them are an unique group of people who understand this pain. I will always hold these people very dear to my heart.
7. It is ok to stay away from social media and the phone when you are having a hard day. It is ok to not return calls, emails, and text messages when you are having one of these days. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Everyone and everything else will be just fine and they will welcome you back with open arms.
8. My new saying in life "don't sweat the small stuff". Those who have been forced to deal with a tragedy will never take a moment in life for granted. Life is too short, live in the moment.
9. If you believe in yourself, your dreams will come true. Frank and I are going to get our family. No matter what we have to do or what it will cost us, the Cirillo family will only get larger as the years go on. It may be weeks, months, or years but we will get there when the time is right. In the meantime, please be patient and kind with us and our feelings on this dream of ours.
10. Our hurting heart will never stop aching. We will never stop thinking of our first son daily. We will never be the same people emotionally. We pray to our son every single night and that will be something we do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you to our friend and family for all of your love and support each and every day. We love you all very much and we couldn't ask for a better support system behind us. Thank you for checking on us, helping us, being patient with us, and supporting us in this fabulous life. We couldn't do it without you all.
XOXO,
Katy
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