A mother's confidence

I spent over 9 months preparing my body for a baby. I would do anything that I had to do to have my dream come true to be a mother. Eating healthy, getting enough rest, watching your weight, drinking  water by the liter each day, no caffeine, stretch marks, and watching your body change each week preparing for our first baby. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my belly got so big (as to be expected). Frank would laugh when I would be standing and you could see Frankie moving and kicking in my stomach. My entire stomach would move. I would be seeing patients at work and trying to be serious with who would just end of up laughing uncontrollably because my belly would move. Frankie was an active baby, he was always on the move in there.

I couldn't wait to have this baby in my arms. I was going to carry this baby with so much pride. I couldn't wait to go on walks while pushing the stroller, breastfeeding, and being too tired to even eat. I didn't get to have those experiences. Instead I had what I call the grief diet. I was too sad to eat, I was emotionally exhausted that I couldn't be active, and I didn't have that " glow" that a new mother has. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or able to do anything because every little thing was an effort. Looking back at it, I was proud of myself. I kept myself busy and left the house at least once a day to do something while on my maternity leave. It was a struggle at first being out of work for 6 weeks but I made the most of it.

There is something that a baby brings to you after it is born. Everyone focuses on the cute and new baby. I love looking at the happiness of the parents of a newborn baby in pictures. I still to this day love doing just that. Instead, I had stretch marks with no baby to look at immediately after to make me feel better. I had a stomach that was stretched to limits without the baby to hold up in front of it to block my stomach. Having a baby to show off to the world would bring me a type of confidence that I never had before and I was so excited.

Now instead of handing my baby over to others to snuggle, I show them the picture of my baby that I hold very close to me at all times. Frankie is my first son and we will never be able to replace him.  As all mothers of angels do, I hold him in my huge heart. I have that new mother look that I give to other new moms and babies when I smile and just watch this bond take place. My situation is different but I have that new mother's look and confidence; it just comes a little bit later for moms who hold their babies in their hearts rather then in their arms.

Katy