Do you have kids...

When I meet new people, families, or patients; one question seems to always come up. Do you have kids. I used to answer this question so confidently. Before Frankie, I would say with a smile and a wink "not yet". Now when this question is asked, I want to crawl under the nearest table, run out the door, or change the subject as quick as I can.

I have now started a "system" I like to call it when I am asked this question. On average, this question comes up at least 5 times a week. Most of the time it is asked by my patients, families of patients, or other health care professionals. The system that I have developed is to think quickly on my feet if this is going to be a person I am going to see again. If it is not someone that I think I will have to see again, I will tell them no I don't have any kids. If this is a person that I know I won't be able to run away from the subject (a repeat patient, professionals who I see at least a few times a month, or those who very clearly saw that I was pregnant around this time last year), I will tell them "yes my husband and I have one beautiful son". I often will find myself changing the subject or saying I need to do something and run away. I am so proud of Frankie. He is my first and oldest son. I praise and honor my sweet pea at once a hour every single day.

All things considered, I am proud of myself. I look back now from where I am today compared to where I was 3 months after the loss for example. In December I couldn't even think about answering this question without bursting into tears. If I say no I don't have kids, am I disappointing Frankie? If I do say yes I have children, can I handle my emotions to be able to expect more questions coming at me. What are your children's names, how old are they, and/or do you want more kids. In December, I couldn't answer these questions without tearing up and almost causing myself an anxiety attack. Now I find myself being able to say to those who I really feel comfortable telling my story to, "yes I have a son Frankie. He would be 9 months now and we couldn't be prouder to be parents", That is all very true. Frankie would be 9 going on 10 months and Frank and I couldn't be prouder to call him our son. If people ask to see a picture of my son, I will show them the picture on my Pandora bracelet. At work I always have my clipboard with me or we are in my office and I can show them my wallpaper and screen saver on my computer. To keep the story simple, I tell them he was born with an illness and had surgery at 4 days old but due to complications passed away at 6 days old. I am now able to console people and keep that smile on my face knowing I am honoring my son up above in heaven. Back in December, I would never have his picture with me and show it to others. I would not be able to say his story with a smile. I also would not be able to have him on my work computer showing him off to handfuls of new people a week.

If Frankie was here with us, I would be showing off a current picture, talking about his age, and how special he is to us. Just because he is not here with us, that is no excuse to not honor and praise him. His story means so much to me that I actually want to talk about it more to know that my sweet baby boy is looking down at me and smiling saying "I have the best parents a child could ever want".

Not only do I function every day after a tragedy, I function every day with a smile, a positive attitude, and with so much joy. I know Frankie is proud of us and the people we have become over the last 9.5 months.

We love you Frank P. Cirillo IV to the moon and back!