4 years...

It has been 4 years...

Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I remember all the running around at the NICU that day while for the first time in my life I was praying out loud. Praying for someone to help us because I didn't even know where to begin.

After our weekly visit to Frankie today, I find myself in my own zone for at least 30 minutes. Thinking to myself where we were 4 years ago. Labor Day 2012, I still remember it. After sleeping through my sadness at that time, Frank and I went to Huntington Beach to spend the day. Kids everywhere, families, babies, and smiles. I remember us laying on the beach and my mind couldn't stop thinking how are we going to get through this? We laid in silence embracing the end to summer.
Outside of Frankie's funeral, i think this was the first time we were out of the house. I knew I needed to go out and start facing the world.

Taking you to Labor Day 2016. An outsider looking in, you would swear it wasn't the same people. We scored the jackpot in the sleep department this morning because Sammy slept in until 7am. We then spent the day together as a family doing all the things I love to do on Labor Day- going to the park, going to Huntington Beach, and soaking up every ray of sunshine I can. We were one of those fun loving, happy, and smiling families on the beach. For the first year since August 2012, i felt carefree again. Running around, kissing my sweet boy, in love with the man of my dreams, and not letting a single thing take away my happiness.

I compare myself to where we are 4 years later and I couldn't be prouder. Proud of myself for making it through another year and another birthday. This was the first year I didn't have something to take my mind off of another birthday. 2013- we were halfway through our pregnancy with Sammy. 2014- I was in my own mind with a baby in my arms that I chose to cuddle for as long as I could to help take way the pain of missing Frankie. 2015- we were getting ready to move. 2016- I wanted to see if I could do this on my own. Nothing else but my own love for my baby and every emotion that goes with it. I took time off from work for the first time all year so I could allow myself to do whatever I wanted. I knew we would make it through this year as we always do but for the first time allowing myself to not be ok for everyone else. Telling my friends who asked how I was that I was struggling. Allowing myself to be honest and open for the first time was gratifying to me. I made it through and I wasn't afraid to show my pain this year.

I want to thank all the wonderful people i have in my life. Thank you to our families and friends for spending time with us on Frankie's birthday, going to the cemetery to visit and have a birthday party with him, donations, flowers, phone calls, cards,gifts, text messages, and just letting us know you were there if we needed to talk. I don't know how else I can show my appreciation but to tell you a million times over, thank you! I will say that this was the first year that I had lots of people ask me about Frankie and his story. This was the best part of this birthday for me. I love to talk about my baby and thank you to everyone who broke their level of comfort to ask me but to also sit and listen to my story and not walking away if I cried. It shows people cared about me and to talk to me about this big part of my life.

It has been 4 years and our lives have changed in every aspect but our love for Frankie and making sure we always include him as part of family will never change. Frankie has made us the best people we could ever be because with every thing that happens or when a decision needs to be made, that little boy in heaven is the person who guides us through.


Happy 4th birthday to you, FPC IV! Thank you for answering my prayers. My prayers that I could get through this because this was the first year I can confidently say that I am making it through with Frankie leading us to living our carefree life again.

We love you to the moon and back our sweet baby!

Love Mom, Dad, and Sammy