We go to Cornerstone of Hope in a house in Independence, OH every Saturday for this class. This foundation is amazing. This support group that has helped me in so many ways is free to us and the amount of help I have received from this group is something I could never put a price on. I can't wait to make a regular donation every year to Cornerstone of Hope to show our appreciation of them. When we went to today's class, we had a tour of the house. It is gorgeous. It has a library, meeting rooms, relaxation room with a room painted like the clouds, an arts and crafts room, and an entire huge area with toys and activities for kids. They hold support groups for kids and teenagers here too and it was great to see the different areas and rooms. Our homework for this week was to think of a quote/song/ book that has helped us through our journey. I brought 2 examples. Frank did one and I explained the other one. The comment that I gave was " An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for this earth". My angel is just perfect and at first, I was taken very back by this quote but now I find a lot of joy reading this. My angel is the most beautiful angel there is out there! Without a doubt in my mind, Frankie is loving his life up there in heaven since he can't be here with us. The second quote that we brought to class was what Frank shared. It was a line from my favorite childhood story book. Also, we have a copy of this book with Frankie that we sent him up to heaven with. From the book "I Love You Forever". The quote that I smile and brings me to an immediate place of peace fullness is "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." I can't begin to tell you in words how happy this makes me when I hear this. Frankie even has this book with this quote up in heaven with him!
After we shared our quotes, we watched a movie called "Tear Soup". It was an older movie but it was about a woman who is grieving the loss of a loved one and people and family are always trying to push her along in her grieving process not knowing how long it can take a person to grieve. Like any good soup, time, love, and salt (seasoning) make it taste so good. Never rush a person who is grieving and tears can be salty but we go about every day and "make our soup" or do what we do but we constantly think of our loved one we lost.
After the movie, we had art therapy. I FREAKED out at this point. I am terrible at art and without Pinterest, I would not be a crafty person at all. I don't have a creative bone in me. We made a collage with tissue paper picking 5 top emotions we feel off of a sheet of different emotions that are felt during this process. The emotions that I picked were determined (I am determined to have a family and will never give up), alienated (I knew there were other grieving parents out there in the world but never imagined meeting people in person who can sympathize with my heartache), anxious (I will never be able to have a pregnancy where I don't worry about my baby inside of me), confused (I don't understand if Frankie was so sick, how was eating and taking in food and weighed nearly 7 lbs but he had this problem where his stomach and esophagus that did not meet and couldn't have formula or breast feed when he was born until he had the surgery. I am also confused on what happened that day in the NICU. I still am very sure that the staff in the NICU were not working like they should have been that day and they were not honest with us what happened that day before we arrived), and the final and fifth emotion is sorry (we had a gorgeous baby that so many people did not get to meet. I am sorry for all of those who were not able to meet Frankie before he passed away). The 5 emotions that Frank chose were hurt/sad/sorry, guilty, envious/ jealous, angry, and proud.
We shared our feelings and explained our collages to the class. While we were all working on our project, we were all talking. It was my favorite part of the classes yet. We talked about where we bought our cribs and furniture, what we did with all the baby stuff, how we go to birthday parties for other babies, baby showers, pictures of our angels, and how we commemorate our angels every day. I loved just talking with the other mom and dads. It was great to hear what other people have to say and have been forced with this. Many people comfort us but this group of people comfort us in a a way that luckily most people can't because they just "know" how it feels.
Our class goes from 9am-11am. The class had to be let out at 12noon because something else was going to be going on. We enjoyed talking amongst one another that we went way over our meeting time that day. You know what, I was ok with that. In fact, this was my favorite part of any of the classes because we got to know each other on a different and personal level.
Marriage, infant loss, family
Showing posts with label Support group. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support group. Show all posts
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Support Group Meeting 2 and 3
I am running a little behind on my recaps of our weekly support group but it is never too late to catch up.
The second group meeting was by far the hardest. We started the session by discussing our homework for the week. You had a shield with four quaderants. In the first quaderant, you wrote your child's name out and thought of adjectives that described our child with each letter of their name. Frank and I worked on this next to each other but we didn't share our adjectives. We had a lot of the same adjectives. My adjectives were F= Fighter R= Real A= Alert N= Noble K= Kind I= Impecable E= exciting. Frank's adjectives were F= Fighter R= Really hungry (since he didn't get to eat) A= Alert N= Near K= Kind I= Innocent E= Extraordinary. We share this with the class. Next was what made the class tough because I hate getting emotional and crying in front of other people. We told the story. I was really proud of how I started and discussed how we had a few complications during the pregnancy but for the most part everything was good. I went on to describe how I had to be induced into labor. Describing the tough 3.5 days I had started making me very teary. I talked about how when he came out and he was crying and I was in such a stage of great excitement. Frankie was perfect! I then talked about the best moment of my life when I had this alert and content baby in my arms and I was doing skin to skin contact. Frank started talking from there because I was getting choked up and he knows I hate balling in front of strangers. Frank did a great job telling our story in front of the group. August 25th will be a day that will never exist in my book of life on any year. Just like every time I pass by the Cleveland Clinic and have an anxiety attack before my anger starts coming out. It was so great to have other people who just understood me and had the similar feelings that we have. I finally felt like someone could sympathize with our pain. Everyone else in the class shared their story. There are 5 other babies/children who were brought into heaven way too early. We listened to the other 5 stories as I cried with each of the other moms. I have found so much help and support from this group of people. This is going to be a great release and experience for Frank and I. We always end each group with a nice prayer that helps to keep my faith going.
Third group meeting:
Our homework for this week was to answer the following questions. I felt comfortable answering these questions and I will share my answers here:
1. How has the loss of your love one affected you? I have learned to cherish every moment in my life.
2. How do you think you are coping? I think that I am coping the best to be expected. I also think I have dealth with my grief in a healthy way.
3. Who are your greatest supporters? Frank has been my rock. Family, friends, and my August Moms. I have been amazed by all the help and support that has been shown to us through this process.
4. What's the most challenging thing you find yourself dealing with? What to say to others when they ask me about what happened to my baby.
5. What have you had success with or dealth with rather well? Positive thinking about our future. Also my marriage has become an extreme level of strength that nothing will ever affect us the way this has. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!
We shared our answers and it was comforting to hear what other people had to say in response to the same questions. Next, we talked about our funeral and gave a description of the day. This was very comforting for me to share when I focused on where Frankie is. Right next to the greatest and strongest woman I have ever met in my entire life, my Grandma Allen. She is the world's best woman and my Frankie is the best little guy up there. They make a perfect pair. When Frankie and I spoke about our funeral, we focused on how it was small, special, private, and just the way we would have wanted it. Perfect was how we both summed it up in one word. We enjoyed to hear other poeple talk about the day for their angel. Some people kept it small, some had a very large gathering, some had a party. Everyone was so happy with their service. We also found out that one of the other little boys is at the same cemetery. I am sure Joey and Frankie are friends!
We shared some comforting things that people have done for us. We also shared things that really hurt us as we went through this process. One of the most comforting things to me was how many people sent us gifts, cards, flowers, thought of us, called to check on us, brought us food, kept me busy while I was off on maternity leave, and just the kindness of family and friends. We will never be able to forget this. One of the things that hurt me through this process was friends who were not there for me. Luckily I only had one which I will not be able to forgive that person for this and she is not longer my friend now. My life is better without negative people bringing us down and expecting us to be the same people we were months ago.
The second group meeting was by far the hardest. We started the session by discussing our homework for the week. You had a shield with four quaderants. In the first quaderant, you wrote your child's name out and thought of adjectives that described our child with each letter of their name. Frank and I worked on this next to each other but we didn't share our adjectives. We had a lot of the same adjectives. My adjectives were F= Fighter R= Real A= Alert N= Noble K= Kind I= Impecable E= exciting. Frank's adjectives were F= Fighter R= Really hungry (since he didn't get to eat) A= Alert N= Near K= Kind I= Innocent E= Extraordinary. We share this with the class. Next was what made the class tough because I hate getting emotional and crying in front of other people. We told the story. I was really proud of how I started and discussed how we had a few complications during the pregnancy but for the most part everything was good. I went on to describe how I had to be induced into labor. Describing the tough 3.5 days I had started making me very teary. I talked about how when he came out and he was crying and I was in such a stage of great excitement. Frankie was perfect! I then talked about the best moment of my life when I had this alert and content baby in my arms and I was doing skin to skin contact. Frank started talking from there because I was getting choked up and he knows I hate balling in front of strangers. Frank did a great job telling our story in front of the group. August 25th will be a day that will never exist in my book of life on any year. Just like every time I pass by the Cleveland Clinic and have an anxiety attack before my anger starts coming out. It was so great to have other people who just understood me and had the similar feelings that we have. I finally felt like someone could sympathize with our pain. Everyone else in the class shared their story. There are 5 other babies/children who were brought into heaven way too early. We listened to the other 5 stories as I cried with each of the other moms. I have found so much help and support from this group of people. This is going to be a great release and experience for Frank and I. We always end each group with a nice prayer that helps to keep my faith going.
Third group meeting:
Our homework for this week was to answer the following questions. I felt comfortable answering these questions and I will share my answers here:
1. How has the loss of your love one affected you? I have learned to cherish every moment in my life.
2. How do you think you are coping? I think that I am coping the best to be expected. I also think I have dealth with my grief in a healthy way.
3. Who are your greatest supporters? Frank has been my rock. Family, friends, and my August Moms. I have been amazed by all the help and support that has been shown to us through this process.
4. What's the most challenging thing you find yourself dealing with? What to say to others when they ask me about what happened to my baby.
5. What have you had success with or dealth with rather well? Positive thinking about our future. Also my marriage has become an extreme level of strength that nothing will ever affect us the way this has. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!
We shared our answers and it was comforting to hear what other people had to say in response to the same questions. Next, we talked about our funeral and gave a description of the day. This was very comforting for me to share when I focused on where Frankie is. Right next to the greatest and strongest woman I have ever met in my entire life, my Grandma Allen. She is the world's best woman and my Frankie is the best little guy up there. They make a perfect pair. When Frankie and I spoke about our funeral, we focused on how it was small, special, private, and just the way we would have wanted it. Perfect was how we both summed it up in one word. We enjoyed to hear other poeple talk about the day for their angel. Some people kept it small, some had a very large gathering, some had a party. Everyone was so happy with their service. We also found out that one of the other little boys is at the same cemetery. I am sure Joey and Frankie are friends!
We shared some comforting things that people have done for us. We also shared things that really hurt us as we went through this process. One of the most comforting things to me was how many people sent us gifts, cards, flowers, thought of us, called to check on us, brought us food, kept me busy while I was off on maternity leave, and just the kindness of family and friends. We will never be able to forget this. One of the things that hurt me through this process was friends who were not there for me. Luckily I only had one which I will not be able to forgive that person for this and she is not longer my friend now. My life is better without negative people bringing us down and expecting us to be the same people we were months ago.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Support Meeting #1
I have started attending a support meeting group for parents who lost an infant while in the later stages of utero, still birth, or within the first year of life. This group will be meeting every week for 9 weeks, January 26- March 23 at Cornerstone in Independence, OH. We will reflect our feelings, share out feelings, support one another, and the best thing for me- to learn about how to deal appropriately with an infant loss.
The first class, I went by myself. I was ok with this because I am never going to tell a person how to grieve and what they should do. I mentioned it to Frank and he wanted more time to think about it. I went to the first group meeting and went home and told Frank all about it. Now Frank will be coming to join us starting next week. There are 5 other couples and 2 moderators of the group. I felt so great meeting other people. I knew that we were not the only people who experienced an infant loss but going to this group and seeing other couples have had the same experience in common unfortunately was so refreshing to me. I know I am not the only one, not that I ever thought that but seeing these other parents who are hurting the same way I am made me feel like I really fit in here.
We started by sitting in a circle. I was the first person to enter the room and sit down. I was by myself and everyone else was a couple so I wanted to sit next to one of the moderators just in case I needed someone to help me. On the other side of me was a woman named Maria who was there with her husband Nick. I feel like I "connected" with her from the start. We went around the circle and we introduced ourselves, stated what our current job was, and what our dream job is. I went first and as everyone else kept speaking, little details about our losses came up. Throughout each of us talking, I started to tell people that I had the same problem or agreed with them. Next, we learned about how to be respectful to the other adults in the room and covered guidelines of the group. Next we filled our registration forms and received some homework assignments for the next week. We are to fill out a survey on feelings we have experienced in the last week. Also, we have a shield and in the first quadrant, we are to write our baby's name and think of a word that describes our baby for every letter in the name. The last project that we did to end the group is look at a map and a list of cars. We had to say our form of transportation and where we were on the map. Forms of transportation included mini van, semi, old beat up car, sports car, a bike, and horse and carriage. On the map, locations included guilty gully, frightened woods. anger, sad, etc. I chose the mini van because I feel safe in the mini van. Not moving too fast and not moving too slow. It was interesting to here what everyone else had to say. We ended the class in a prayer.
Each week, I look forward to updating on my blog how each support group meeting goes over the course of 9 weeks.
The first class, I went by myself. I was ok with this because I am never going to tell a person how to grieve and what they should do. I mentioned it to Frank and he wanted more time to think about it. I went to the first group meeting and went home and told Frank all about it. Now Frank will be coming to join us starting next week. There are 5 other couples and 2 moderators of the group. I felt so great meeting other people. I knew that we were not the only people who experienced an infant loss but going to this group and seeing other couples have had the same experience in common unfortunately was so refreshing to me. I know I am not the only one, not that I ever thought that but seeing these other parents who are hurting the same way I am made me feel like I really fit in here.
We started by sitting in a circle. I was the first person to enter the room and sit down. I was by myself and everyone else was a couple so I wanted to sit next to one of the moderators just in case I needed someone to help me. On the other side of me was a woman named Maria who was there with her husband Nick. I feel like I "connected" with her from the start. We went around the circle and we introduced ourselves, stated what our current job was, and what our dream job is. I went first and as everyone else kept speaking, little details about our losses came up. Throughout each of us talking, I started to tell people that I had the same problem or agreed with them. Next, we learned about how to be respectful to the other adults in the room and covered guidelines of the group. Next we filled our registration forms and received some homework assignments for the next week. We are to fill out a survey on feelings we have experienced in the last week. Also, we have a shield and in the first quadrant, we are to write our baby's name and think of a word that describes our baby for every letter in the name. The last project that we did to end the group is look at a map and a list of cars. We had to say our form of transportation and where we were on the map. Forms of transportation included mini van, semi, old beat up car, sports car, a bike, and horse and carriage. On the map, locations included guilty gully, frightened woods. anger, sad, etc. I chose the mini van because I feel safe in the mini van. Not moving too fast and not moving too slow. It was interesting to here what everyone else had to say. We ended the class in a prayer.
Each week, I look forward to updating on my blog how each support group meeting goes over the course of 9 weeks.
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