checking in!

Hello to all of my friends, family, and followers!

I am sorry that it has been awhile since I checked in yet. I am having a quiet evening at home while Frank is out of town for work until tomorrow morning. I have to say that I love every second I have with my husband that when he is home, I like to be with him. He is my rock and the one person who just gets me. It is an amazing feeling! The last thing I want to do is take time away from my husband, my best friend, and my family.

What is new with me you might ask. We had a great summer, we celebrated Frankie's first birthday and "angelversary", busy with work, and ohhhh yes I can't forget that today I am 20 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child! Eeeeeekkkk... I am halfway there, OMG! I can't even stand it as I smile ear to ear at this very moment! The gender will be announced next weekend at a party with our families. To say I am excited and feeling very blessed is an understatement!

Of course this pregnancy is accompanied with every emotion that you can imagine. One thing that I can promise you is that Frankie will always be our first son. I do have a child but he is in heaven, not here in my arms to watch over every day. It is hard being a mother but can you imagine how hard it is to be a mother to a child you can't physically see or talk to every day?

 I worry about my child and think of him every morning as I am getting ready for work wondering what he is doing up there, is Grandma Allen rocking him to sleep multiple times a day, does he think about mommy and daddy, and most importantly- are we making him proud? I then leave for work and drive 50-60 minutes to work thinking about him again. It goes back to that very same question, is he proud of his mom and dad? Does he tell his angel friends about us? Then I go to work looking at his picture in my office and just look at him (sometimes just stare) and think he is the most precious little boy that I have ever met in my life. Let me tell you I have met some beautiful and adorable babies over my 34 years!  Does he look at a picture of us or does he use his "baby angel abilities" and peek in on us every day? As he sits with his friends, does he tell them that he has a great mom and dad? By the end of the day, we close every night with a prayer to the best little angel boy out there. We thank him for watching over us that day, update him on news with our family or friends, tell him a joke or two (daddy is good at this), and tell him how much we love him as we blow him a kiss.

With above describing our typical day, I feel like my son is proud of us. He knows that we are thinking about him. He knows that we love him. Frankie knows that we want him here with us but the second best place would be in my Grandma's arms. If one person that would do a better job then I would as a mom, it is Grandma Allen. I can rest my head on the pillow every night knowing that my son is safe, he is proud, and he is having the time of his life up there in heaven.

Mom and Dad love you to the moon and back Frankie!

P.S.- I promise I will be writing more now. After taking a break, I miss my blog. I miss sharing it with the ones we love. It is also one of the most therapeutic things I can do for my mind during the upcoming 17-20 weeks until Baby Cirillo #2 is here in our arms in mid- January. Thank you for sharing in our excitement and the continued support during this journey. XOXO

Do you have kids...

When I meet new people, families, or patients; one question seems to always come up. Do you have kids. I used to answer this question so confidently. Before Frankie, I would say with a smile and a wink "not yet". Now when this question is asked, I want to crawl under the nearest table, run out the door, or change the subject as quick as I can.

I have now started a "system" I like to call it when I am asked this question. On average, this question comes up at least 5 times a week. Most of the time it is asked by my patients, families of patients, or other health care professionals. The system that I have developed is to think quickly on my feet if this is going to be a person I am going to see again. If it is not someone that I think I will have to see again, I will tell them no I don't have any kids. If this is a person that I know I won't be able to run away from the subject (a repeat patient, professionals who I see at least a few times a month, or those who very clearly saw that I was pregnant around this time last year), I will tell them "yes my husband and I have one beautiful son". I often will find myself changing the subject or saying I need to do something and run away. I am so proud of Frankie. He is my first and oldest son. I praise and honor my sweet pea at once a hour every single day.

All things considered, I am proud of myself. I look back now from where I am today compared to where I was 3 months after the loss for example. In December I couldn't even think about answering this question without bursting into tears. If I say no I don't have kids, am I disappointing Frankie? If I do say yes I have children, can I handle my emotions to be able to expect more questions coming at me. What are your children's names, how old are they, and/or do you want more kids. In December, I couldn't answer these questions without tearing up and almost causing myself an anxiety attack. Now I find myself being able to say to those who I really feel comfortable telling my story to, "yes I have a son Frankie. He would be 9 months now and we couldn't be prouder to be parents", That is all very true. Frankie would be 9 going on 10 months and Frank and I couldn't be prouder to call him our son. If people ask to see a picture of my son, I will show them the picture on my Pandora bracelet. At work I always have my clipboard with me or we are in my office and I can show them my wallpaper and screen saver on my computer. To keep the story simple, I tell them he was born with an illness and had surgery at 4 days old but due to complications passed away at 6 days old. I am now able to console people and keep that smile on my face knowing I am honoring my son up above in heaven. Back in December, I would never have his picture with me and show it to others. I would not be able to say his story with a smile. I also would not be able to have him on my work computer showing him off to handfuls of new people a week.

If Frankie was here with us, I would be showing off a current picture, talking about his age, and how special he is to us. Just because he is not here with us, that is no excuse to not honor and praise him. His story means so much to me that I actually want to talk about it more to know that my sweet baby boy is looking down at me and smiling saying "I have the best parents a child could ever want".

Not only do I function every day after a tragedy, I function every day with a smile, a positive attitude, and with so much joy. I know Frankie is proud of us and the people we have become over the last 9.5 months.

We love you Frank P. Cirillo IV to the moon and back! 

My First Mother's Day

This post is a little late, I have had a lot going on but nothing like a quiet holiday to catch up on some things that mean the most to me. This blog is very important to me as it lets me vent my feelings and share the happiness in my life. I try to have as much happiness in my life as I can despite having that spot in my heart that thinks of my first born many times a day.

I want to share my first Mother's Day. All things considered, it was a good day. Yes I was missing my Frankie and I had lots of tears to share on this day. My husband is my rock and made sure I had one of the best days I could ever have. He wanted to make sure my first Mother's day was something that I would remember. The whole week leading up to it was so special. All of the cards I received, gifts from friends, text messages, phone calls, and emails made me feel on top of the world. This was a day I was not sure what to expect. Leading up to the day, I was sad. It is not just Mother's Day but it brought out lots of feelings that I have been carrying in my heart over the last 8 months. Sad that I can't hold my baby in my arms, worried about disappointing him, and scared that I can't protect him from this world.

On Friday after a very long work day, Frank and I were going to go out for dinner. Before we left, I received a package in the mail. In it was a gift from my August 2012 moms. I have always wanted one of the footprint necklaces and guess what, I GOT IT! These moms took the time out of their busy lives to coordinate this gift to arrive on Mother's Day weekend. It went back to March when one of the August moms reached out to Frank to get a scanned copy of Frankie's footprints that they took in the NICU. My husband kept it a secret the whole time. As soon as I opened it, I put it on and it has not come off since. I will always have Frankie's footprints close to my heart.

Saturday I spent with my inlaws. It was a great day that was very calm and relaxing. I had an amazing dinner prepared by chef Frank (my father in law) at JJ's & Manda's (Frank's sister and now my sister- I couldn't be happier to say that right now) new and gorgeous house. It was perfect. We spent the afternoon and evening with the most amazing family a girl could ever ask to marry into.

Sunday was a bittersweet day. I woke up to find Frankie gone and preparing breakfast. I was told the night before not to get up until he came up to get me. He made me my favorite breakfast- strawberry crepes. He even woke up early and went to my favorite bakery Fragappanes (he made it all by himself and anyone who knows Frank will tell you he has no sense of direction) and got me my favorite bakery item- cheese Danish. He also stopped to get me my favorite coffee to indulge in. About 9am, my handsome husband woke me up and had this whole breakfast ready. He sat in bed with me and let me watch one of my favorite silly reality shows and didn't even complain or tease the girls. Now that is my kind of morning! Next, we went about our usual Sunday routine and went to go and visit Frankie at the cemetery. I kept a strong face most of the time we were there visiting and talking. I had to tell him thank you for allowing me to live my dream of being a mom. Frank also gave me my gift at the cemetery while we were visiting Frankie because he wanted Frankie to be part of giving it to me. It was an open heart necklace for mother and child. The part where the child was in blue, the color we believe was Frankie's favorite because he loved being warm under those billi lights in the NICU. Don't ever take him off those billi lights is what we learned! This necklace has so much meaning, as all of my loss jewelry does and I wear them every day. Next we went shopping at Target and Frank didn't even complain once (a huge step!). Then on Sunday evening we took my mom out to dinner at her favorite place- Olive Garden.

I couldn't have asked for a better day. Every single person who sent a card, a sweet text message, a facebook post, or a phone call- I appreciate all of you. Thank you for making my first Mother's Day unforgettable!

Katy

 

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven
by: Jody Seilheimer

 Dear Mr. Hallmark,
... I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her
of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you'll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

What Makes A Mother

Last weekend I attended a brunch at Cornerstone of Hope for mothers who have had an infant or child loss. I brought my mom and my mother-in-law with me to share in this special day. At the brunch they shared a poem that I am still thinking about. It has such a beautiful and memorable message in it.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What Makes A Mother?"
And I knew I heard him say
A mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby is not with you?
Yes you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many woman babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay


I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
And cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing here


If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love, life, and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here"


I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mom sent me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On my pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and touch her cheek
And whisper in his ear
"Mommy please don't be sad today
I am your baby and I am here"


So you see my dear sweet one
You children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they will stay
They will wait for you with me
Until your lessons there are through
And on this day that you come home
they will be at the gates waiting for you


So now you see
What makes a mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love that you had so much of
Right from the very start

~Author Unknown

Simply beautiful,,,

A mother's confidence

I spent over 9 months preparing my body for a baby. I would do anything that I had to do to have my dream come true to be a mother. Eating healthy, getting enough rest, watching your weight, drinking  water by the liter each day, no caffeine, stretch marks, and watching your body change each week preparing for our first baby. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my belly got so big (as to be expected). Frank would laugh when I would be standing and you could see Frankie moving and kicking in my stomach. My entire stomach would move. I would be seeing patients at work and trying to be serious with who would just end of up laughing uncontrollably because my belly would move. Frankie was an active baby, he was always on the move in there.

I couldn't wait to have this baby in my arms. I was going to carry this baby with so much pride. I couldn't wait to go on walks while pushing the stroller, breastfeeding, and being too tired to even eat. I didn't get to have those experiences. Instead I had what I call the grief diet. I was too sad to eat, I was emotionally exhausted that I couldn't be active, and I didn't have that " glow" that a new mother has. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or able to do anything because every little thing was an effort. Looking back at it, I was proud of myself. I kept myself busy and left the house at least once a day to do something while on my maternity leave. It was a struggle at first being out of work for 6 weeks but I made the most of it.

There is something that a baby brings to you after it is born. Everyone focuses on the cute and new baby. I love looking at the happiness of the parents of a newborn baby in pictures. I still to this day love doing just that. Instead, I had stretch marks with no baby to look at immediately after to make me feel better. I had a stomach that was stretched to limits without the baby to hold up in front of it to block my stomach. Having a baby to show off to the world would bring me a type of confidence that I never had before and I was so excited.

Now instead of handing my baby over to others to snuggle, I show them the picture of my baby that I hold very close to me at all times. Frankie is my first son and we will never be able to replace him.  As all mothers of angels do, I hold him in my huge heart. I have that new mother look that I give to other new moms and babies when I smile and just watch this bond take place. My situation is different but I have that new mother's look and confidence; it just comes a little bit later for moms who hold their babies in their hearts rather then in their arms.

Katy

Blog topics

I am always open to suggestions so please share if you think any blog topics would be helpful to read about. A few topics that have been very helpful to me are included below. I will be writing about a new topic once a week. So far my list includes:

1. Body image concerns with mothers after a loss.

2. Do you have kids?

3. When are you going to have your first child?

4. Relationships with others and how they have changed.

5. Quotes, songs, resources for those suffering from infant loss.

6. Does it affect us to be see other children?

7. Being happy for others but being sad and envious of them at the same time.

8. What to do and how to support someone you know suffering from infant loss.

9. My biggest supporters

10. My fellow August moms and babies

11. Positive coping mechanisms

12. Triggers

I will be adding to this list as time goes on. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions for other topics as well. Thank you everyone for your love, support, and for following our life!

XOXO,

Katy