Another article that I found today that I would like to share.
http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html
Marriage, infant loss, family
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Pregnancy after Loss
The article that I shared in the post before this one was found on Still Standing Magazine. I find myself being able to relate to so much that is discussed and posted on the Still Standing facebook page. This article had me thinking that someone went into my head and wrote about every single feeling I feel at this moment. The day I found it last week, I read it about 3 times in a row because I was so comforted by it. To know that others feel the same way I do hits very close to home for me. After reading the article, I had many points of my own to add to some of the same feelings that the blogger expressed.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
My anxiety and worry has not become less the more pregnant I am. I worry more each week. I try to focus on my excitement and syncing up my mind that I can do this, we can do this, and this baby is going to make it home with us. It is a struggle some days but if I was not to keep positive and uplift myself when I have these feelings, I would become so anxious that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I dream our life to be. I won't allow myself to think how am I going to cope with a second infant loss because I need to keep myself positive without counter indicting what I am trying to do with my head . I pray to my angel Frankie at least once a day to help his brother, mom, and dad bring this miracle home. With Frankie watching over all of us, I just know "we got this"!
What I am very appreciative for as it points out in this article is those people who just tell me "I know this is a scary but exciting time for you. I am praying for your strength." Someone saying one of those 2 statements to me makes me feel so at ease. Acknowledging that this is a hard time means so much to a mother who has lost a child. I have wonderful friends and family who do tell me this and I am forever grateful for you and your empathy.
Another point that hit close to home for me was the ultrasounds. They are not as enjoyable as they were with my first pregnancy and the first few minutes of the scan, I am a nervous wreck. I think to myself, is his heart beating ok, are all of his organs there and measuring what they should, is he growing enough in there. These are the things that I relate to myself. If he isn't perfectly growing and all his organs are what they need to be, I feel like it is a self reflection of myself. I ask myself and Frank at least once a week "do I grow good babies"? Frankie was born with a disorder that was no reflection on what I did while I carried him but you can't blame anyone else so of course the mother blames herself. My blood pressure that caused an induction at 38.3 weeks didn't cause it, working 45- 50 hours a week through my whole pregnancy didn't cause it. It was pure coincidence and I DO grow good babies is what I need to remind myself.
A few statements or words that grab me in this article that allow others to live a carefree pregnancy are: "joyful naivety", "the bigger the baby allows for a greater chance of survival", and "... it won't happen again". I think you all can figure out why these statements/actions can be hurtful to a mother of a baby in heaven.
The last point that hit the closest to my heart in which brought tears to my eyes is how long I have been pregnant and dreaming of having a baby. I am grateful for this pregnancy and both my husband and I have worked very hard to get here. Since January 2011 (a few short months after our wedding) we made the decision that we wanted to start a family. Going through all that I have gone through to get pregnant and then not having a baby to bring home really hurt. Then only to start that process over again and the countdown of another 10 months begins. I have been dreaming of bringing a baby home and working towards this for 3 years now. I am tired. My body has been through the ringer. I just want my baby here in our home so we can love him, show him right from wrong, grow memories of our own together, and to have a child here with us that we can support through life. 3 very long years. To ask if we are ready is a worthless question. We have been ready since we made the decision to be parents. Our home has been ready for 16 months now when Frankie was supposed to come home with us. I want to enjoy a summer where I can be carefree and not have to be thinking about pregnancy. I want to be busy being a mom!
We are almost at the close of this journey. Thank you to all of our friends and family for their love and support. Our 3 year struggle is almost over but we would appreciate the continued support, thoughts, and prayers until this miracle steps into our home for the first time. Then I think I can finally take a deep breath (if I can stop crying long enough to catch my breath) because our journey is over and we are starting a new chapter in our life. The emotion attached to this will be nothing short then amazing.
I have told myself through this process over and over again that everyone current problem is there own reality. I will never under estimate another person's problems or struggles in life. I do believe the hand that we have been dealt has made my heart stronger, I enjoy giving others inspiration that anyone can make it through your daily struggles with grace, this has made my family bonds stronger, and I am able to take a step back and appreciate the little things in life. Despite tragedy, there is always a positive spin to put on it as well I firmly believe.
Article- Pregnancy after loss
http://loveisdeeperstill.blogspot.com/2013/11/pregnancy-after-loss-paradox.html
I am wanting to share this article with my readers. I couldn't think of a better way to explain how I feel right now and this article explains every emotion I am feeling.
Catch up on life with the Cirillo family
As we are here during the time to spread the word on what we are thankful for, I will begin with saying I am so happy to have a laptop. All those close to me heard my weekly vents of missing my computer for about 6 weeks while it was being shipped from our house to Best Buy. This home to Best Buy process was repeated 4 times with our poor laptop never being fixed. Finally I about had it and we heard the good news that we can pick out a new computer. Soooo here I am typing on our brand new laptop and I couldn't be happier. I missed out on posting here about my grief project, uploading pictures from my camera, and doing anything that involved any thought just couldn't be done from my phone. Now that I can blog again, I would like to update our friends and family on what is going on with the Cirillo family.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
Today is Frank's birthday, happy birthday to the best man I have ever had the pleasure meeting. We started the day out by giving him gifts and just talking about how lucky so many people are that this "miracle baby" made it into this world. Frank was born very small and spent his first few weeks in the NICU. Mom and Dad Cirillo got the phone call on Christmas Eve with the Dr. asking them "do you want to have a special gift to put under the tree this year. Your son is ready to come home"! I couldn't imagine how blessed Christmas 1980 was for the Cirillo family. Ever since then, Frank was always a little stinker (from all the stories that were told to me). This little "too smart for his own good" boy turned into a very successful man who I am happy to call my husband and there are 2 very lucky little boys who are over the moon happy to call him Daddy. It has been a very quiet but great day where we relaxed, watched football, and talked about how darn excited we are for Sammy to make his grand entrance into the world in January. It has been a great day! Happy Birthday Frank, the boys and I are forever grateful for you!
What else is going on in the Cirillo family of Cleveland, Ohio... Our cat Ollie had major surgery for an obstruction and was in the animal hospital for 3 days. I was so sad not having the life of our house here but he is now back to normal and running around like he has never been sick a second in his life. We have been working hard preparing the nursery for Sammy. Our Dr. Seuss theme really took off and I still can't believe how perfect this nursery is. It is a dream nursery for any child but I just know that Sammy is going to have many childhood memories in it while also putting lots of touches of his big brother Frankie in the room. Last weekend, Sammy's anywhere chair was given the thumbs up after a visit and approval from the newest addition of our family- Alexandra. It made a very cute picture with a beautiful baby and the greatness of an anywhere chair! Work has been very busy for both of us and I have had to cut down on social activities after work because after a 9+ hour workday, I can't find enough energy to be productive in the evenings. Yesterday I turned 33 weeks pregnant. Everything has been looking great so far in terms of Sammy and his growth and my health. A healthy Mom = a healthy baby and for that, the entire Cirillo family is feeling very thankful and blessed. We had a great Thanksgiving holiday with both families and even had a surprise visit Friday night from Sammy's Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on the way home from Florida. I have so much to be thankful for this year but being able to express how lucky I feel to have this little miracle growing so perfectly can't be put into words. To be given another chance to bring a baby home with us to grow our family is one thing that we will never be able to take for granted.
I think this brings everyone up to speed. It may not seem like much but you know what, the little Cirillo family from Cleveland, Ohio is pretty happy to report this exciting time in our life is going so well. Sending all of our family and friends much love this holiday season.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Day 2
Day 2: Identity
Day 2- Identity. Our 1st son's name is Frank IV. We choose that name because he is the IV generation in my husband's family. Now the generation of the name is now carried by an angel in heaven forever. The English origin and meaning is "honest". Frank was born on 8/19/12 weighing in at 6lbs 9oz and 19cm long. A few of Frank's features that I will remember is his cute button nose, his eyes- beautiful, dark, and alert, his full lips, and his precious little face that I still see all day long. We have passed his picture around to so many people. Frankie is our angel and I love having everyone who is close to us to have our sweet angel watching over them. We have very few pictures of our angel whose life was taken from us way too early and very unexpected but this will always be our favorite. We love you Frankie <3
Day 2- Identity. Our 1st son's name is Frank IV. We choose that name because he is the IV generation in my husband's family. Now the generation of the name is now carried by an angel in heaven forever. The English origin and meaning is "honest". Frank was born on 8/19/12 weighing in at 6lbs 9oz and 19cm long. A few of Frank's features that I will remember is his cute button nose, his eyes- beautiful, dark, and alert, his full lips, and his precious little face that I still see all day long. We have passed his picture around to so many people. Frankie is our angel and I love having everyone who is close to us to have our sweet angel watching over them. We have very few pictures of our angel whose life was taken from us way too early and very unexpected but this will always be our favorite. We love you Frankie <3
Capture your grief project 2013
To all my friends and family,
October is pregnancy and infant loss month. I will be starting a project where I will post a new picture based on the topic every day during the month of October. I invite you all to enjoy this project with me (us).
Last year I attempted to do this project but just couldn't do it. I was not in the place emotionally that I am now. Our family will never be whole again after loosing our first child but where I am today is a much better place then where I was last year. I think I was able to do 5 days last year before I had to stop. This year it is my goal to make it a little bit longer. If I can make it for the month before my emotions get the best of me then I will be so very proud of myself.
I was thinking today about where I am now compared to where I was last year at this time. I was sad, angry at the hospital, and just felt broken. Now I have moved past my anger and I feel like each day I get a little bit better and better. I am pregnant with our rainbow baby, have a new team of health experts helping me through this to develop my trust again, and I am in a great place emotionally with all that we have endured. A year ago, October 1st was my first day back at work. I was dreading going back and facing everyone. I had to stop and think today how proud I was of myself for how far I have become.
My goal if I reach it all 31 days this year is to take my photographs and make a picture storybook so I can share it with our family, friends, and Frankie's future siblings.
I hope to have all the continued love and support during this process this month from everyone who helps me through this process each and every day. Love you all XOXO
Here is the link to the website for the capture your grief project 2013. Each day is a different topic.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html
Katy, Frank, Frankie, and Sammy
Monday, September 23, 2013
How did I get so lucky...
I find myself asking this question at least once a day. How did we get so lucky to be in this place that we are today.
First, how did I get so lucky to have the world's best husband. I honest to goodness have the best man and best friend to go through this experience of life with me. Frank is AMAZING. He knows how to pick me up when I am down. Today for example I was feeling down on myself. Feeling pregnant, sore, tired, and just moody after a comment I received at work today. My confidence has been a big struggle for me since loosing Frankie. I can go from having no confidence by myself and as soon as Frank is here with me, I love the feeling I suddenly feel.
Next, how did I get so lucky to have the world's most beautiful son. Very few people had the chance to meet FPC IV but those of you that have met him can tell me I am not completely biased. Frankie is one cute boy. His little nose, long legs, cute feet, big brown alert eyes, his sweet face, and did I mention Frankie had the cutest nose EVER! I still envision his face at least 20 times a day. I have his picture on my Pandora bracelet I wear every day, I carry his picture in my purse, he watches over me in the car, Frankie is on my phone, and the same beautiful picture is everywhere in our home. I love turning and seeing my precious first boy every time I go to a different room. Frankie made me a mom. Frankie lets me know not to be sad because every time I look at him I smile. Frankie is about as handsome as a little boy can be. My precious angel Frankie, you are the best thing that ever happened to this family.
On to my next blessing, how did I get so lucky to be pregnant again. Being pregnant is a blessing. It is not something to ever take for granted. It is not something that comes easy for many people, myself included after many heartaches along this journey of growing our family. I am 22.5 weeks pregnant. How did this time pass and bring us to where we are today? I may complain about being sore, tired, and "normal" pregnancy feelings. I wouldn't give this up for the world to be here in this place, to be a mom of 2 beautiful boys. I am human, I am going to have days where I feel crap. Any woman in her mid 30's and pregnant is going to feel down on certain days. I still find myself being overjoyed to tears that I am here and at the end of this, I am going to have a beautiful baby to bring to our home. To our 2nd son Sam (Sammy), we are so happy to have you join our beautiful family! Mom, Dad, and Frankie can't wait for you to get here!
Next, how did I get so lucky to have this life I live. I have my own family, a beautiful home, a college education, a great job, and the resources to do everything I want to/need to do to fulfill my every want and need. To get where I am today was work and now I look back to only realize it is such a blessing. Frank and I work very hard to have a life that 8 years ago before we met that we would have only dreamed of.
Last, how did I get so lucky to have all the friends and family I have in my life. Each and every one of you inspire us to live our dreams. We will never give up because we have so many people in this world rooting us on. Our friends and family make so many sacrifices for us and we only hope one day that we will be able to return these sacrifices for others that are in need. To each and every one of you that has stayed by our side through this, we are grateful for you. Thank you for blessing us with your presence, thoughts, and prayers. We love you all.
As we are getting ready to put an end to our day, I will lay next to my husband while praying to our angel and feeling Sammy kicking me to sleep. I wouldn't give up a single part of my life for the world. I will then continue to ask myself, how did I get so lucky...
XOXO-
Katy
First, how did I get so lucky to have the world's best husband. I honest to goodness have the best man and best friend to go through this experience of life with me. Frank is AMAZING. He knows how to pick me up when I am down. Today for example I was feeling down on myself. Feeling pregnant, sore, tired, and just moody after a comment I received at work today. My confidence has been a big struggle for me since loosing Frankie. I can go from having no confidence by myself and as soon as Frank is here with me, I love the feeling I suddenly feel.
Next, how did I get so lucky to have the world's most beautiful son. Very few people had the chance to meet FPC IV but those of you that have met him can tell me I am not completely biased. Frankie is one cute boy. His little nose, long legs, cute feet, big brown alert eyes, his sweet face, and did I mention Frankie had the cutest nose EVER! I still envision his face at least 20 times a day. I have his picture on my Pandora bracelet I wear every day, I carry his picture in my purse, he watches over me in the car, Frankie is on my phone, and the same beautiful picture is everywhere in our home. I love turning and seeing my precious first boy every time I go to a different room. Frankie made me a mom. Frankie lets me know not to be sad because every time I look at him I smile. Frankie is about as handsome as a little boy can be. My precious angel Frankie, you are the best thing that ever happened to this family.
On to my next blessing, how did I get so lucky to be pregnant again. Being pregnant is a blessing. It is not something to ever take for granted. It is not something that comes easy for many people, myself included after many heartaches along this journey of growing our family. I am 22.5 weeks pregnant. How did this time pass and bring us to where we are today? I may complain about being sore, tired, and "normal" pregnancy feelings. I wouldn't give this up for the world to be here in this place, to be a mom of 2 beautiful boys. I am human, I am going to have days where I feel crap. Any woman in her mid 30's and pregnant is going to feel down on certain days. I still find myself being overjoyed to tears that I am here and at the end of this, I am going to have a beautiful baby to bring to our home. To our 2nd son Sam (Sammy), we are so happy to have you join our beautiful family! Mom, Dad, and Frankie can't wait for you to get here!
Next, how did I get so lucky to have this life I live. I have my own family, a beautiful home, a college education, a great job, and the resources to do everything I want to/need to do to fulfill my every want and need. To get where I am today was work and now I look back to only realize it is such a blessing. Frank and I work very hard to have a life that 8 years ago before we met that we would have only dreamed of.
Last, how did I get so lucky to have all the friends and family I have in my life. Each and every one of you inspire us to live our dreams. We will never give up because we have so many people in this world rooting us on. Our friends and family make so many sacrifices for us and we only hope one day that we will be able to return these sacrifices for others that are in need. To each and every one of you that has stayed by our side through this, we are grateful for you. Thank you for blessing us with your presence, thoughts, and prayers. We love you all.
As we are getting ready to put an end to our day, I will lay next to my husband while praying to our angel and feeling Sammy kicking me to sleep. I wouldn't give up a single part of my life for the world. I will then continue to ask myself, how did I get so lucky...
XOXO-
Katy
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