4 years...

It has been 4 years...

Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I remember all the running around at the NICU that day while for the first time in my life I was praying out loud. Praying for someone to help us because I didn't even know where to begin.

After our weekly visit to Frankie today, I find myself in my own zone for at least 30 minutes. Thinking to myself where we were 4 years ago. Labor Day 2012, I still remember it. After sleeping through my sadness at that time, Frank and I went to Huntington Beach to spend the day. Kids everywhere, families, babies, and smiles. I remember us laying on the beach and my mind couldn't stop thinking how are we going to get through this? We laid in silence embracing the end to summer.
Outside of Frankie's funeral, i think this was the first time we were out of the house. I knew I needed to go out and start facing the world.

Taking you to Labor Day 2016. An outsider looking in, you would swear it wasn't the same people. We scored the jackpot in the sleep department this morning because Sammy slept in until 7am. We then spent the day together as a family doing all the things I love to do on Labor Day- going to the park, going to Huntington Beach, and soaking up every ray of sunshine I can. We were one of those fun loving, happy, and smiling families on the beach. For the first year since August 2012, i felt carefree again. Running around, kissing my sweet boy, in love with the man of my dreams, and not letting a single thing take away my happiness.

I compare myself to where we are 4 years later and I couldn't be prouder. Proud of myself for making it through another year and another birthday. This was the first year I didn't have something to take my mind off of another birthday. 2013- we were halfway through our pregnancy with Sammy. 2014- I was in my own mind with a baby in my arms that I chose to cuddle for as long as I could to help take way the pain of missing Frankie. 2015- we were getting ready to move. 2016- I wanted to see if I could do this on my own. Nothing else but my own love for my baby and every emotion that goes with it. I took time off from work for the first time all year so I could allow myself to do whatever I wanted. I knew we would make it through this year as we always do but for the first time allowing myself to not be ok for everyone else. Telling my friends who asked how I was that I was struggling. Allowing myself to be honest and open for the first time was gratifying to me. I made it through and I wasn't afraid to show my pain this year.

I want to thank all the wonderful people i have in my life. Thank you to our families and friends for spending time with us on Frankie's birthday, going to the cemetery to visit and have a birthday party with him, donations, flowers, phone calls, cards,gifts, text messages, and just letting us know you were there if we needed to talk. I don't know how else I can show my appreciation but to tell you a million times over, thank you! I will say that this was the first year that I had lots of people ask me about Frankie and his story. This was the best part of this birthday for me. I love to talk about my baby and thank you to everyone who broke their level of comfort to ask me but to also sit and listen to my story and not walking away if I cried. It shows people cared about me and to talk to me about this big part of my life.

It has been 4 years and our lives have changed in every aspect but our love for Frankie and making sure we always include him as part of family will never change. Frankie has made us the best people we could ever be because with every thing that happens or when a decision needs to be made, that little boy in heaven is the person who guides us through.


Happy 4th birthday to you, FPC IV! Thank you for answering my prayers. My prayers that I could get through this because this was the first year I can confidently say that I am making it through with Frankie leading us to living our carefree life again.

We love you to the moon and back our sweet baby!

Love Mom, Dad, and Sammy

Catch up with the Cirillos- February 2016

Life has been crazy lately. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to catch all of my friends and family up on what has been going on with my family.

It started last week that I realized I needed to take a step back and do something for myself again. I haven't had time to do practice my photography habit, I don't have time to zone out, watch my reality TV shows I love, and write again. Writing is a healthy way to get my feelings out through this crazy life. Last week was a tough week for me and I don't cave often but I did. I was feeling stressed with working 45 hours a week, being the best mom I can be to one of the most energetic toddlers out there, communicating/spending alone time with my husband to keep our marriage strong, and keeping a clean house with a hot dinner on the table every night. I know every parent, every woman, and professional has these periods of feeling stressed with juggling it all. After a long talk with the sweetest, most compassionate, and thoughtful husband it was decided that I need to start taking some steps back and get back into myself.

Now on to the Cirillo family. Sam is 2 years old now! Everyone always says to enjoy every moment because they grow up so fast. I shake my head and think if I had a dime for every time I heard that. It is so true and as we approached Sam's 2nd birthday, I realized how this simple statement is so real. Sam is an on the go toddler who will occasionally stop to watch a few minutes of his favorite show- Paw Patrol, Mickey Mouse, and Daniel Tiger. He will insist for it to be on but often doesn't pay attention to it but he does not like anyone else's shows on the TV on. Sam is now 24lbs and 2'9" tall. He will not be making the top of the charts as a kid. Seeing him with his friends at daycare is funny because he is so little compared to them but he is a whole ball of energy! He talks non stop, loves babies (ok, more like obsessed), is silly with a belly laugh at least every 30 minutes, and loves to snuggle with us while twirling mom's hair!

We also moved into a new home in September and it has been amazing! We have little projects to work on here and there but our house is perfect for us. We go on walks, have friends that live close, family within a mile, and so close to everything in a very new and lively suburb. I will be sure to post lots of pictures to show off some of the details that make this house so beautiful and unique.

Now that I am going to get back into my writing again, I will post updates, topics, articles, and share my ideas on things that strike my interest. What makes me who I am will be shared here. Infant loss, grieving, how to keep a happy marriage, parenting, career minded moms, and parenting for children you have in your heart as well as those children who are blessed to be here.

Katy

The Cirillo Family- August 2014 catch up

I can't believe that so much time has gone by since I have last updated my blog. Thank you everyone for understanding. Life with a baby, working full time, and spending all my free time with my boys leaves me with a blog that hasn't been updated in months. I hope to get back on track after talking with Frank about how much I miss some of my own quiet time.

Now an update for everyone on what is going on here:

Sammy will be 7 months old now. He has 2 teeth, weighs 13.5 lbs, loves his mom and dad (aka he has stranger anxiety to the max). Sammy never stops smiling and laughing. Another new thing that Sammy does now that I can never get enough of- he loves to cuddle. As a newborn with his stomach and reflux issues, he was not a snuggly baby. Sammy loves to wear clothes from Gap Baby, ok fine I have an addiction to Gap Baby. He loves to be tickled, being sung to, and being outside.

For Frank and I- work, sleep, eat, and spending all of our time with Sammy. Family has always been very important to us and that is our primary focus. I couldn't be happier spending all of my weekend time with my boys.

August is a very tough month for Frank and I. My emotions are on constant edge the entire month because I miss Frankie. I am a strong believer in allowing someone who is grieving to take all the time they need while feeling every emotion that comes up. If I cry in the middle of the day as I look at Frankie's picture at my desk, I allow myself the time to work through that emotion. As I drive past the hospital where we lost Frankie, I allow myself to be angry at them. As I remember our 6 days together, I let the smile radiate my happiness for the day. I need to be a mom, a daughter, a wife, a friend, and a professional so I needed to think of a positive spin to get through this month. With the help of my wonderful husband, we developed #19 days. For the first 19 days of August, we are going to think of ways to honor Frankie. Whether it is a writing a thank you card, giving money to a good cause, shopping for ways to incorporate Frankie into our lives forever, or buying every little brother onesie I see. Every day has an assigned thing to do in honor of Frankie. This allows me to smile and be happy looking forward to helping others in honor the precious guardian angel we have watching over us. I invite everyone to look at our facebook page for Frankie Cirillo where we will be posting something August 1-August 19.

I will be the first to tell you that having Sammy here with us is not making this year any different. Sammy is not Frankie. Frankie will never be able to be replaced. Frankie will never be able to be forgotten. We are watching Sammy growing up every day and can't help but think how neat it would have been to see Frankie go through these developmental tasks. Frankie would be the best bigger brother a little boy can have. Now his job is even harder because he has to watch over Sammy from a distance instead of being here with us. I am constantly thinking about Frankie and I just hope we are making him proud.

We appreciate all of the patience, kindness, and sweet words that everyone is giving us this month. We wouldn't be the people we are today without each one of you.

Lots of love Frankie and I hope you are enjoying your month long celebration.

XOXO                          

Week 18

Week 18 5/23-5/29

How Big- I am going to have to accept that my Bug will not be gaining weight very quickly. He is 11.4 lbs.

Size- 3-6 months and a mix of size 1 or size 2 diapers

Sleeping- Bug is a great sleeper! This makes me very happy. He still gets up 1-2 times a night but we that is nothing anymore. I get up and not even think about it. Plus Bug is very snuggly at night and loves to cuddle with me after eating. That more then makes up for the lack of sleep getting my middle of the night cuddles.

Movements- When is he not moving! He kicks his feet, rolls side to side, and is always moving his hands like crazy in the air. Bug has always loved the bathtub and now he loves it more. Mom and Dad get a bath too with all the water that is splashed!

Milestones- The thumb sucking, the happiness and peace this baby has once you put music on, great head control, and his constant alertness. Every day is a new day and is better then the last.

Hardest Moment- My hardest moment for this week is my constant concern with Sammy, his weight. It takes a lot but we have come to the conclusion that I can’t stress about his weight. He is eating well, not spitting up as much anymore, and I can tell his stomach has done a complete 180 from where it was 8 weeks ago with the reflux that we were competing against. My tall and thin Bug he will always be!

Best Moment- When I went into daycare to pick him up this past Wednesday and I got a smile that was seen from across the room. Best part, I knew it was for me! In over 2 months of picking him up, I don’t think he realized I was his mom and it always took him several moments to realize it was me. Having him recognize me, smile, and be so content in my arms was one of my proudest mom moments yet.

Highlight- Happy Memorial Day! We had a great weekend with friends, family, and as a family with the 3 of us. It is important for me to always tell Sammy the importance of holidays. To celebrate Memorial Day, we took him to a parade to pay our respects to a few of the millions of Veterans that have fought for us. To be able to explain this to him year after year the importance of this day, I want him to know that this was something that was explained from the very beginning.

 

Weel 14

Week 14 4/18-4/24

How Big- at least 12.5lbs. Can’t wait for the weigh in next week at the Dr’s office.

Clothing Size- Same

Sleeping- Doing great still! Although my sleeping in 3-4 hour stretches every night is starting to make me very tired, I am not even going to complain about that. Having children means that your nights of sleeping without a wakeup are done for about the next 18 years! I am ok with this!

Movements- Summersault is so close to happening. Head control for him is great and we carry him facing outwards around the house now so he can control his head on his own and see everything around him going on. He hates being carried any other way but forward facing.

Milestones- HAPPY EASTER!! Sammy went on his first road trip. He did really well for the most part in the car. We were happy to bring him to Erie to visit Frank’s family. Sammy had some cranky periods while we were there that took him awhile to get out of. Meeting all the new people and being in places that he doesn’t recognize was hard on him but we wouldn’t have had it any other way. The entire Cirillo family was so great to us and the love that was shown to Sammy was amazing.

Hardest Moment- I am having a hard time letting go of my baby. The second I hear him crying or I notice that he needs something; I want to go running to him to do it. It has been hard but I need to make a conscious effort to try to open up to allowing Frank to help more. Part of me always wants Sammy to always need me. I know he will but other people can help him as well. There is no award at the end for Wonder Mom that is given to the moms who do everything. I need to stop pretending that there is and not be afraid to ask for help.

Best Moment- Sammy’s personality just keeps coming out. He smiles so easily now and there are a few statements that you can say or moves that you can do for him that make him laugh and smile. Now that he is able to laugh and smile, I feel that is an indication that he truly is a happy baby. I questioned if he was a happy baby for so long because of his reflux concerns and colicky periods.

Highlights- Sammy’s first big holiday was a success. He was spoiled to death and of course by mom and dad, Nonna, Papa, and Aunt Mo. I am looking forward to when he can understand holidays and get excited for them. Seeing children have fun on the holidays is the best part of any holiday.

Week 13

Week 13 4/11- 4/17

How Big- easily 12.5lbs! I can’t wait to take him to the Dr. at the end of the month and have him weighed.

Clothing Size- Still size 1 diapers, size 3 pants (for length purposes for our tall Bug), and 1-3 shirts/sleepers.

Sleeping- GREAT! Couldn’t ask for more in this department. Even though he still gets up about 2 times a night, I am relieved the crib worked out so well. Also at daycare this week, he took 4 hour naps twice this week.

Movements- I said it here first; Bug will do a summersault before he rolls over from tummy to back. He is soooo close to doing a summersault.

Milestones- 3 MONTHS OLD this week! Grow Sammy… GROW! I have no idea where the last 3 months have gone.

Hardest Moment- he started this thing where he will let out one loud and screeching scream in the middle of the night. Just one scream and goes to sleep. I am sure that he is just waking up out of a dream and just freaks out. It is just one scream and he is done and back to sleep. The first few times it happened this week, I was terrified and went running in the room.

Best Moment- He imitates us now. If we make a sound, he does too. If we stick our tongue out at him, he does too. The other night he made the cutest noise as we were making animal noises and now we are working so hard to try to get him to do it again. It was after the sound an owl makes and it could have been his imitating us with the biggest smile on his face and laughing at us at the same time but this noise was THE.CUTEST. NOISE. EVER! Second best moment was watching him have about 10 minutes of consecutive belly laughs. I was upstairs feeding him after his bath and getting him chilled out before bed. The shades were shut in the room and we were talking while I was rocking him. He was staring at the shades and just starting laughing out of control because they were moving because of the heater vent under them was making them blow around. I tried to yell downstairs for Frank but he didn’t hear me. Also, I hope we can recreate this moment so I can get it on video (of course this cute moment has to happen when I don’t have my phone with me). I have never laughed harder at him in my life.

Highlight- Obvious one is 3 months old. Then we had an over 70 degree weekend for the first time since August/September and we lived outside for the day. Running errands, walking at the zoo, going to the park, visiting with cousins, riding around in the car with the windows down blowing the air, and getting out of the same walls that he looks at constantly with his 2 favorite people ( at least we would like to think)- mom and dad!

Week 10

Week 10 3/21-3/27

How big- About 10lbs. I can’t wait to find out how many inches he is. I think we are going to have a tall boy on our hands!

Clothing Size- 1-3 months. Sometimes 3 month pants at Carters. Size 1 diapers

Sleeping- HE IS SLEEPING IN HIS CRIB!!!!!! Can you sense our excitement?!? Some nights he sleeps through the night and other nights he gets up 1-2 times.

Movements- He loves his kick and play piano now. It is so fun to watch him play. We are still working on tummy time. I know it is torture to him but he does so well when he gets really mad. The more angry he gets, the closer he is at rolling over.

Milestones- Loves nice weather days and having the wind blowing in his face. If it is a nice day and we are in the car, he loves to have the window cracked in the back seat for him to get fresh air. It used to be music that calmed him down when he became upset in the car but now it fresh air.

Hardest Moment- we are still dealing with some colic which I think is coming from a buildup of gas. It breaks my heart to see him screaming and I can’t figure out how to help him. Every secret in the book, we have done it. It is the worst in the evening and we just try to not let it stress us out. It can be really hard on the parents because it tests every ounce of patience you have.

Best Moment- my early birthday present, Sammy being here with us! I couldn’t be happier to spend a whole day inside with my boys celebrating my birthday. Dad and Sammy cooked me a great dinner and spoiled me to death with gifts. Best part of the day is when he snuggled up with me and took a nap on my chest. It doesn’t get any better then that!

Highlights- I have never looked more forward to my weekends. I love having us together as a family. I have found that sometimes I need to be selfish with my time on the weekends now that I am back at work but I am trying to make it all work. I think we are doing a pretty good job at splitting up time with others and having our own time as just the 3 of us (4 of us when Frankie is available in heaven to spend some time with us in spirit).

Week 9

Week 9 3/14-3/20

How Big- Just over 10lbs

Clothing Size- 1-3 months. Size 1 in diapers now.

Sleeping- Great! He is sleeping at night in about 6 hour stretches. He had a little cold this week and was up more often this week during the night. He is still sleeping with us and we will start transitioning to the crib next weekend at night.

Movements- He loves kicking his feet and legs. This is his favorite part of the day. He also loves his kick and play piano now.

Milestones- Smiling often in his sleep, holding his head up all the time, and staying awake a lot more.

Hardest Moment- 2 hard times this week. First, I hated seeing my sweet boy sick. Pulls at your heart strings to know there is nothing out there you can do. He had some congestion and a cough. The colds have been awful this winter and we picked these germs up somewhere. Second, this was my first week back to work which means time for Sammy to be at daycare during the day. It was hard to leave him and I call and check on him often. I feel really good about where he is going. I do look at the time at work and think to myself what I think he may be doing at that moment based on our schedule together. I have his beautiful pictures on my work desk and when I miss him I will look at those and smile!

Best Moment- On Thursday night after we had dinner, Sammy was in his bounce chair and Frank went to join him on the floor. I went to wash the dishes and I looked over and saw the two of them interacting. Frank was talking to him (top secrete but I think they were discussing my birthday plans) and Sammy was staring at him so intently. Just staring at him, smiling, and laughing for almost a hour. I went upstairs and would peek down from the banister to see them both having such a great time. I left them to enjoy the moment. This was something Frank always envisioned doing with our children. I am glad he had one of his many moments he dreams of with Sammy.

Highlights- After a long work day, I go into the daycare and lay my eyes on him. I can’t wait to get him back in my arms! I look forward to the day down the road when he sees me come in the door and crawls or starts walking over to me with a big smile on his face. That will be one of cherished moments. I love this kid more then I can even begin to describe here.

Week 8

Week 8 3/7-3/13

How big- I would bet about 9lbs now.

Clothing Size- 1-3 months. I did move up to size 1 in the diapers this week.

Sleeping- He is taking good naps in his nursery as long as he is not in the crib. I leave the rock and play that he sleeps in our room in and put it right next to the crib. He will take about a 2 hour nap in there now. At night he is sleeping from 10pm-4am when he gets up to eat. Then he will go back down until about 8am.

Movements- He rolls over on his side now. It is fun to watch him because he starts by kicking his legs high in the air to gain momentum and then rolls on his side. He isn’t a huge fan of tummy time but he is getting better now that he has good head control and can keep his head up to see things.

Milestones- This little guy LOVES to smile! I mean it is non stop during the day. He also has a new obsession with mirrors. His 2 activity mats that he has both have mirrors. He doesn’t pay one bit of attention to anything else on the mat but the mirror. We stand in the bathroom mirror in the morning and smile and giggle together.

Hardest Moment- When is this colicky period in the evening going to get better? It is already getting better but he is a completely different baby at night from 8-10pm then he is the rest of the day. Patience has been a virtue through this time.

Best Moment- I have 2 this week. When he wakes up in the morning and will smile and talk back and forth with me. I talk and he watches me, then I let him chat and make noises. We go back and forth with this for about 15 minutes every morning. The second is a reassuring mom moment. We had lots of visits with friends over the last week of my maternity leave. He would get cranky with other people holding him. Once he is back in my arms, it is great to see him calm down and notice me. This mom thing is paying off!

Highlights- I had the greatest weekend with just the 3 of us. It is what I have always dreamed of for many years. Out and about shopping, having fun, and have a happy baby to go with us. We even had our down time at home cuddling and playing with our little guy. He smiles at us, allows me to take pictures of the moments, and is just noticing US more and more each day. Insert heart melt <3 My weekends are something I am cherishing more and more as I prepare to return to work M-F next week. I want every weekend to be just like this one.

Week 7

Week 7 2/28-3/6

How big- 8lbs9oz on 2/25

Clothing Size- Size 1-3 months. Still not understanding Carter’s that they go from tiny newborn to double that size at 3-6 months.

Sleeping- Sammy is doing a great job sleeping at night so I honestly can’t complain. During the day he will fight naps and usually wins! We are working on the crib thing every day. 20 minutes one day, a hour the next. Making strides and I hope by the end of the month he will be in the crib at night.

Movements- He likes to keep his head held high and often picks his head up while I am holding him so he can see my face. He loves his ottoman kicking time and is on his activity mat kicking about 30 minutes a day now.

Milestones- the many faces of Sammy… the smiles, the smirks, and his pouty lip he gives me. I can’t help it, I could stare at him waiting for his face to change all day long. I hope to react quick enough soon to catch it on camera. On 2/28 at his early morning feeding and snuggle time with me at 4am, he had a smile that went from ear to ear that lasted about 30 seconds.

Hardest moment- Gas pains and constipation. My poor baby, I just want to snap my fingers and have him feeling better. We have been using gas drops, gripe water, warm baths, warm cloths to his stomach, bicycle legs, and bouncing. We are going to try some different holds to keep him in during this time. He wants to be in our arms at all times which makes for a very unproductive day for me.  I am praying this pain moves quickly and we are back to him feeling better soon.

Best Moment- Our bath times have become our great moment. Frank and I both give him his baths and we have it down where most of the time he won’t even cry. It takes some time but I move very slowly and calmly to get the bath done and he loves it. He falls asleep and gets this look on his face that is now coined the Sammy Spa look, which is an expression of pure and utter relaxation and bliss.

Highlights- Just watching this little man grow. I can’t believe how much he has changed over the last month. He is gaining personality now and that makes me so excited for our future together with him. Right now he is chatty like his mom but can be very stubborn, finicky, and funny just like his dad. Every day is a new day with Sam and he has something new and exciting to surprise us with daily.

Week 6

Week 6 2/21-2/27

How big- At his pediatrician check up on 2/24, Sam the Man weighs in at a whopping 8lbs9oz and 21in.

Clothing Size- Newborn size is a bit snug so most of what he is wearing now is 1-3 months. Off on a tangent here but why does Carters go from Newborn to size 3-6 months in their pants. I prefer the sizing of Gap Baby now.  I am watching the sales to know when to shop there.

Eating- every 3.5 hours                                  

Sleeping- Sammy has decided he is too cool for naps! I do lay him down in his crib for at least some quiet and chill out time. He goes to bed about 10pm and is up for the day by 8am. He gets up 3x to eat. I am going to work on making him a mobile this week to entice him to be in the crib more.

Movements- Kicking around , using his activity mat in about 15 minute stretches, and he loves laying in mom and dad’s bed looking at the ceiling, the fan moving, and he has a second new BFF- a new light in the bedroom. It will never be the light in the living room though.

Milestones- this little boy is going to be a chatter like his mommy. He is constantly making noises, cooing, and often has smirks on his face. He loves kicking to music and is getting better about following toys with his eyes. If I snap his fingers, he will move his head and eyes in the direction of the snapping. He is spending about 15 minutes a day on his activity mat watching the lights and noises that we put on for him. He still isn’t digging his kick and play piano but there is plenty of time for that.

 Hardest Moment- Transitioning to the crib. Sam is not digging it and wants no part of sleeping in there. He is so tiny in that big crib and I know that can be scary to a baby.  I swaddle him up and even if it is 10 minutes a day for a nap with him in the crib before he starts crying, we attempted it for that day. We had one afternoon a few weeks ago that he was in there sleeping for almost 3 hours. I need to remember every last detail of that day so we have a repeat of that! I did say before he was born that one of my goals was to have him sleeping at night in his crib before I go back to work. I don’t think we are going to get there in 2 weeks and that is ok. I am not going to stop trying and working at it every day in the meantime.

Best Moment- All of last weekend. It was just the 3 of us all weekend long.  We ran errands, shopped, went out to eat, and then met Aunt Manda and Uncle J on Sunday afternoon. It was great spending time all together, just the 3 of us together the entire weekend long.

Highlights- I was driving home from taking Sammy to visit Nana and Tata which is about a 25 minute drive. The entire time we were driving home, Sammy was having the time of his life. He was "talking", cooing, and making noises that I turned the radio down very low (god forbid I turn it off because this little guy would freak out, he LOVES his music) just to listen to it the whole way home. I can't believe how much he is changing every day. I was excited to get home, put out the activity mat, and make noises together. Rest assured, he fell asleep in the last few minutes so we had to play and make noises at each other the next day.

Week 5

Week 5- 2/14- 2/20

How big- No current weight. I would guess just over 8lbs.

Clothing Size- newborn. He is starting to bust out of his newborn sweat pants that he loves to wear from Carter’s. I picked him up a new set this weekend. A few other newborn outfits they are pretty snug.

Eating- About every 3.5-4 hours.

Sleeping- At night he will sleep in about 4 hour stretches. He will get up twice during the night to eat but goes right to sleep after. This week it started a new trend with sleeping (or lack of thereof) that he naps about a hour at most all day.

Movements- Sammy is moving a lot more now. He loves to move to the beat of music. One of his favorite places to move around at is on the ottoman while he looks at the lights if they are on. He moves so much that his entire body will move and he will move from one end of the mat to the other.

Milestones- His eyelashes are starting to come in. Sammy will also follow your fingers snapping with his eyes. He will also follow toys and lights with his eyes. His hand to eye coordination is getting advanced! Then when we went to go visit Dad at work, he had a short belly laugh while sleeping in daddy’s arms as we were discussing his best friend the living room light. He stares and watches that light for hours a day. He is going to hate me one day for all the teasing we give him about the light.

Hardest Moment- I had one day where he didn’t want to sleep and was fussy the entire day. I started doubting myself as a mom and I had my own Mommy meltdown that day when Frank got home to listen. I have a hard time (as every parent does) when their child is upset and crying inconsolably.

Best Moment- Going to visit Daddy at work. He was so proud to show us off to everyone. Sammy was so well behaved and let all the ladies hold him while being a perfect angel the whole time! We also visited my work this week to prepare me to go back in a few weeks. Again, he was a perfect angel for everyone!

Highlights- Sammy is one month old on Valentine’s Day!  Sammy’s first Valentine’s Day and he wore his Valentine’s Day onsie which was the cutest! We took some 1 month old pictures this week. One of them that I had on my phone was so cute! He was looking up and out the window. Couldn’t help but think that he was watching his brother Frankie out the window. Great Mom moment right there! Mom and Dad also went out on our first date since Sammy’s arrival while Nonna and Papa were here visiting. He was perfect for them and we had such a wonderful date. The date was so appreciated and I really needed to connect with my husband for a few hours.

Week 4

Week 4 2/7-2/13

How big- no current weight. This is a big step for me but I have decided to stop obsessing over the numbers and the weight. He goes to the Dr. on 2/24 so we will find out his weight then. He looks healthy and I would estimate he is about 8lbs now.

Clothing Size- Newborn.

Eating- my little guy is happy, healthy, and eating J

Sleeping- Right now he is still sleeping at night with us and he gets up to eat about every 4 hours. This week he did sleep for 3 hours in the crib alone for a nap. Yay Sammy! Thank goodness for white noise because often he won’t sleep without it.

Movements- He likes to kick a lot when we unswaddle him and put him on the ottoman. We joke that he exercises and dances every moment we have him free from the swaddle. He now has learned how to pull his right arm out of the swaddle, he breaks his arm out every time.  He also does the funniest thing now, he will be in his swing and covered up. We will be sitting on the couch and we will look over at him and he waves his hand over the blanket at us. Seriously, the funnest thing this kid does on most days. Watching that little hand stretching over the blanket and it peeking out over the blanket at us at random moments.

Milestones- We have been getting more smiles lately. He has this smirk thing he does and one side of his mouth stays up and one stays down. Cute cute cute! I love our morning snuggles when he is the happiest and we play, smile, and stay awake for hours together. This is my favorite time of day to bond with him.

Hardest moment- Sammy had a huge meltdown on Monday 2/10 in the evening.  I was upstairs watching TV and the boys were down here. Huge crying uncontrollably spell. This then led to a family meltdown where Mom cried because Dad only gets to see him for a few hours in the evening and Sammy is here crying to no end. Dad feels like he can’t calm him down and that Sammy is unhappy with him. Lots of talking, some quiet time, and a big family hug all together put out this moment.  We as a family will be the first to say that the newborn stage is tough. Each week it is getting better and better.

Best moment- The other night when Frank got home from work and he was cuddling Sammy on the couch. Frank was talking to him and they were having a good time while I was sitting at the other end of the couch. It was music to my ears to hear this conversation and the laughs. Then I hear Frank say “ Sammy just smiled at me”! We were waiting for Frank to have this moment and the moment happened! I don’t know if anyone would know the extent of my happiness after this.

Highlights- Nonna is here to visit. She came over on Tuesday night and we hung out here at the house. On Wednesday 2/12- Sammy stayed home with Nonna while I had to do a few things in the afternoon. That evening we went to a work going away party in which Nonna and Sammy were the guests of honor! On Thursday 2/13- we went to Hobby Lobby and came home to do a craft-a-palooza for Valentines Day. Sammy loved craft day!

Week 3

Week 3  1/31-2/6

How big- weight check in on2/3 with lactation consultant was 7lbs 4oz. Go Team Sam!

Clothing size- newborn. I don’t see us leaving this size anytime real soon.

Eating- We had a weighted feed (if you are having trouble BF, this is something that you need to ask for. It will allow you to know what amount of food he is getting with each session) with Sammy breast feeding on 2/3 with the specialist. For 15 minutes on each side. One side he ate 4cc in 15 minutes and then 2cc after 15 minutes on the other side. It confirmed that I am not crazy, I honest to god have no milk to give this little guy going on 3 week post partum. Discouraging for me as a mother but we need to focus and move forward with other options. I will not be able to solely breast feed unfortunately but we are going to keep trying. Right now we can’t seem to break the 45cc (ounce and half) mark with each feeding.

Sleep- LC told me it was ok to not wake him every 3 hours and let him go to every 4 if he will sleep that long. We never made it past about 3 hours so Sam must have become adjusted to last week’s schedule. As long as he is eating and gaining weight, that is ok. I don’t mind.

Movement- this little guy is Italian. He has been speaking (screaming) with his hands since day 4 of life. His hands are always out there grabbing at everything. I am kind of in love with his hands!

Milestones- Sammy stays awake more in the day. We sing, read books, and cuddle. Even when we are cuddling, his eyes are open big and he is staring right at me! Also, we are doing trial runs in the crib with his naps. He had 2 days of 30 minutes and one day where he made it 2 hours after the library story time that I kept him awake for. Nobody wants a sleeping baby in library story time but he stayed awake for most of it!

Hardest Moment- having the specialist tell me I solely cannot feed my child on breast feeding because I don’t produce enough milk. This was not an easy thing to hear and I feel like my body is defeating me. I keep reminding myself Happy Mom= Happy Baby so stop obsessing. Also, as long as he is eating and gaining weight, that is what is important.

Best Moment- Our family/newborn pictures. OMG… I can’t believe how amazing these pictures turned out to be. I think I can look at these and awww for hours!

Highlights- Diaper changes, yes I know life has changed! It is now become like an action adventure. Dodging poop coming at you mid change and beating the clock in the middle of the change to work fast and efficiently when you know another rush is coming to get a diaper up there quick enough. On the urine note, we had some pee in the face this week. No it was not mine or Frank’s but in Sam’s. He waits until we have the old diaper off and in that few seconds lapse between putting on a fresh one to pee all over the place. Our life will now never be the same in case there was any doubt. Yes folks, diaper changes have become the highlight of the week. Don’t you dare judge us!

Week 2

Week 2- 1/24-1/30

How big- At the weight check on Tuesday we are up 8oz in 4 days!!!!!! 6lbs12oz. Go Sammy (and mom &dad too) for the hard work.

Clothing size- newborn

Eating-  We have now moved to supplementing each feed with 1oz of formula or breast milk pumped in a bottle rather then using the syringe or SNS pump (biggest pain in the a$$). I may have contemplated throwing it outside and hiding it in the 10 foot snow pile at the end of the driveway. We are feeding every 2.5-3 hours.

Sleep- we are getting better developing his schedule. He will sleep better at night now and I am having to wake him up to eat rather than him waking me up wide eyed and bushy tailed like what we had happening last week.

Movement- Sam LOVES to have his hands in the way every single chance he can get. He grabs everything, pulls at all the things, and is kicking those long legs all day long (yes even in his sleep)!

Milestones- Gaining 8oz in 4 days. I am sorry to keep focusing on the eating/feeding/and weight numbers but it is a HUGE deal to us.

Hardest Moment- when we (yes it was a joint decision) to get rid of the SNS pump and introduce the bottle to Sammy. This was something I didn’t want to do and kept sticking to my gun that we were not going to “give in” and use a bottle. After watching my little man get so upset and anxious with inserting a “foley like tube” into his mouth to fake him out while he would pull it out himself every time about at least 10 times each feed, we had to develop a better option.

Best Moment- we joke as parents that we will joke about this when Sammy is a teenager, a grown up, and when he brings his future wife home. We had to tape the pump to my camera tripod so it would hang to gravity to allow the formula to go down the tube. I couldn’t keep it close or in his sight because he would pull it out and grab at it. Poor guy hated that thing as much as we did so we know that this son is a Cirillo since he had the same thoughts as us. If you all could only see us taping a pump contraption to a tripod to trick him out that the pump was not being used. We have one smart and observant kid on our hands here!

Highlights- sorry to focus on the numbers and feeding again but my little peanut gained 8oz in 4 days. For this, I am proud of Mom, Dad, and Sammy.

Week 1

Week 1 (1/17-1/23)

How big- Sam was born at 7lbs3oz. At discharge on 1/21, Sam was 6lbs4oz. He had a weight loss of 13.25% while in the hospital. On 1/22, Sam was 6lbs7oz when meeting with the lactation consultant.

Clothing size- Newborn- Newborn is swimming on him.

Eating- We had to start supplementing in the hospital, which was not my plan. This has been a huge concern and issue for us. It has also been a self confidence issue, regret, and very heavy on my heart as a mother.

Sleep- Huh?? This week Sam likes to be up all night and sleep all day. Party animal here folks.

Movement- he loves to kick his long, muscular legs every moment he can.

Milestones- being born. This little guy was very long awaited by many people. I have never been prouder in my entire life to say our rainbow baby is here!

Hardest Moment- Weight loss tied with having to put him under the bili lights for 24 hours. He hated it so much and it broke my heart that I couldn’t hold him to comfort him. I hate to have my newborn baby screaming and I can’t go and scoop him up to make him better. Since we could not hold him except to feed him, I would make sure to have his feedings last for at least a hour.

Best Moment- being discharged from the hospital. Our miracle baby was coming home with us!

Hospital Days- Thursday 1/16-Tuesday 1/21. More than ready to go home!

Coming home- We left the hospital at 11am on Tuesday 1/21. We stopped downstairs to say goodbye to Aunt Manda before leaving the hospital. So many people came to cheer us on as we left, people who didn’t even know us but knew of our story that it made me tear up. Felt so unbelievably blessed. Frank drove us home while I sat in the back seat with Sam. We had about a 50 minute drive home from the hospital. I spent 55 minutes of the drive in the backseat crying happy tears while staring at this gift from heaven. The coming home process was more emotional then the labor part for me. We were finally bringing a baby home!

First Dr’s visit- I always knew who I wanted Sammy’s  doctor to be. I feel like it was the best decision I made and couldn’t feel more comfortable with who he is seeing. A doctor who I used to work with who has values, goals, and the personality that I can agree with. I am very picky about doctors but I don’t have to second guess myself even once wondering if I made the right decision.  At the first appointment, we weighed Sam who was still 6lbs4oz. This was hard for me because I have been breast feeding him and supplementing him with 30cc (1ounce) at every feed every 2-2.5 hours. Insert emotional breakdown while we were left in the room alone. Thank goodness Frank was there with me to help. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my cool. The doctor gave us lots of reassurance with the weight and knows me well because I think he could tell how upset and concerned I was. He agreed with our current plan of breastfeeding as Sam would like and supplementing with 1ounce. I also am pumping with every feed for 20 minutes. The doctor said it was up to us if we wanted to keep waking Sam up to eat. The doctor felt that it is important for me to be sleeping more since we are a week post-partum and I still don’t have a milk supply in yet. We will extend his feedings to every 2.5-3 hours. I will also bring Sam back on Tuesday for another weight check. The doctor is very happy with his color and doesn’t feel we need to be concerned about jaundice. Sam is doing great!

Highlights- This week was full of highlights. Having Sam born safely and healthy, coming home, and walking through the front door with Sam were beyond highlights this week. I just can't believe we have our rainbow baby here, healthy, and home with us. We owe a very special thank you to his big brother upstairs <3

38 weeks

I am in shock right now, 38 weeks pregnant! I need to allow myself a minute to let this all sink in. With Frankie, I went into the hospital on 38 days on the spot to be induced for blood pressure concerns with Frankie. We are down to the wire now and we are anxiously waiting for our world to be changed for the next 18 years!

I have been working very hard on keeping Sammy growing as long as I have. I was having some blood pressure issues about a month back and had to be put on modified bed rest. My long work days combined with a 1+ hour drive each direction was becoming a 13-14 hour day. I had no other choice but to accept my new role as a mother before I could hold my baby in my arms. It has been a long 4 weeks but if I didn't do this, I was going to go into labor by week 36 and a good chance of having another NICU stay. We know this little man is as healthy as a baby can be as we have every test in the book proving that to us every week. We just want that moment of leaving the hospital with our baby in the car, pulling into the garage, and walking through our front door with our newest family member. I want us all to come home as a family together this time, not having to leave my baby at the hospital to sleep at night while I lie there awake not sleeping.

In the last month, we have had so much love and support from family and friends that we will never be able to say thank you enough or begin to show our appreciation. Friends coming over to keep me company, family visits, meals being prepared for us since it is hard for me to be cooking anything other then boiling water, the check in phone calls, and my work coworkers making sure I have at least one laugh a day with a work story or the latest news. Thank YOU all! I can't wait to begin returning these acts of kindness to others because I know how much something like this means.

I am doing great and Sammy is doing even better! Growing right on track. I would estimate him to be about 7lbs now based on our most recent ultrasounds. He likes to suck his thumb every time (totally advanced for his age- haha) and he still has those cute chubby cheeks that go on and on. One thing I have been thinking about is will he look like his brother. I have been taking time to stare at those newborn pictures we took the moment Frankie was born. Precious little boy and we are pretty convinced that Sammy is going to take after his brother.

We can't wait to start this new journey. It is going to be a very emotional process for all of us so please don't mind when I cry happy tears for a day straight as I snuggle my babe in the hospital. We will welcome all visitors but please don't hold it against me if Frank and I want to spend every second holding our baby. Those passes to family members will be there but I will be ready for the second that I can get him back!

If you are so inclined to help over the next few weeks, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Also, please be patient with us because this has been 3 years in the making and we are finally here. We had our glorious 6 days with Frankie and now we can't wait to have our fabulous life ahead of us now with the best looking angel in heaven watching us with constant happiness. I have not a worry in the world because with our angel in heaven, everything is going to be great.

Sam Frank P. Cirillo, you are our miracle and we can't wait to meet you!

34 weeks and...

I have given it all the effort I can but bed rest started on Friday. Off work indefinitely until after Sammy arrives. When I am sitting I have a great blood pressure but when I am up moving and doing things it starts to shoot up. To say I was shocked with the order from the Dr. is an understatement. After I had a few hours to think about it and put some things in perspective, it is the best thing for me and by far the best thing for Sammy. I am such a busy body person with social outings at least 2 weeknights a week, working full time and then some, and celebrating the holiday season that I must say it is going to be ok. No driving, no lifting, no exercising, and no strenuous activities but I will be making the best of it. Frank has been wonderful, beyond amazing actually. All that I used to do, he is now doing. Grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, driving,  talking to all the family members for reports, and taking superb care of the both of us. I can't thank him enough!

What will Sammy and I be up to over the next few weeks- we have quite a schedule, rest assured of that! Friday was Day 1. We relaxed a ton, I was so happy checking my blood pressures and see fabulous numbers coming across. We watched a Christmas movie and started a daily activity where I read Sammy a book. We are going to go through all the Dr. Seuss books first. I couldn't think of a better book to start this with then Green Eggs and Ham (Sam I am!). I spend lots of time talking to Sammy and letting him know how excited we are to have him home with us soon. I swear I haven't lost my mind, he can hear my voice and he does recognize it, I promise :)  It is these little things that I am doing to connect with him while I have all this free time on my hands. Why wait until he gets here, start those Mom and baby bonding moments now. This week we are going to do lots of holiday wrapping of gifts, read daily stories, organize his drawers (again), rest, and TONS of relaxation. Thursday will be my day out with 2 Dr.'s appointments and a day with Manda so Frank is able to go to work. I will have someone with me to take me to my appointments and be there with me. Other then that, we will be stationed here in the house! I am already excited for Thursday to break out of the house and check on this perfect little boy!

What I can report is Sammy is doing great! Heart is perfect, activity is good, and size is great. I just need to watch myself and my activity to keep my blood pressure at bay to keep him growing for a little bit longer. They anticipate delivery in about 4 weeks all depending on his size, my blood pressure, and his lung maturity. I started with Frankie at 37 weeks and 6 days so they will keep that same schedule this time around as well. We are so excited to get him home with us but we want a healthy baby with no NICU needed this time around. Sammy can come whenever he is ready! We are prepared and ready to welcome him to this world!

Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers until we walk through this front door with this miracle. Until then, wish me luck as a full time Mom taking care of my baby!  XOXO

Pictures of our miracle

I don't think my words can begin to express how grateful I am for this miracle to be coming into our family in less then 2 months. I cried tears (happy tears) as our sweet ultrasound tech brought these pictures up. She knew how exciting of a time for us this was and she allowed us to enjoy every second. After she left the room and we were waiting for the Dr. to come in, she left the last picture up on the big screen in the room so we could continue to be in awe of it. Cue some more tears at this point, I just can't believe how perfect this little boy is.

Now on to the health stuff... Sam weighs 4.5lbs at 33 weeks. Weight in range= check. Mom's fluid levels being in normal range= check. I was worried about the fluid levels which can be indicative of a concern with my blood pressure if they are too high. Need not to worry about that! Sam's organs measuring properly and in range= check. Then as we are reassured every single ultrasound... his esophagus and stomach are attached = CHECK CHECK CHECK! 

I still have nerves and anxiety that will be staying with me unfortunately until we walk through our front door with this baby in tow. Thank you to every person in our lives who supports us, thinks of us, and prays for us. If we may ask to keep those prayers coming because as I have been saying all along through this journey- have hope for the future and prayers heal.

XOXO- The Cirillo Family

Men and Woman grieve differently and that is ok

Another article that I found today that I would like to share.

http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html