4 years...

It has been 4 years...

Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I remember all the running around at the NICU that day while for the first time in my life I was praying out loud. Praying for someone to help us because I didn't even know where to begin.

After our weekly visit to Frankie today, I find myself in my own zone for at least 30 minutes. Thinking to myself where we were 4 years ago. Labor Day 2012, I still remember it. After sleeping through my sadness at that time, Frank and I went to Huntington Beach to spend the day. Kids everywhere, families, babies, and smiles. I remember us laying on the beach and my mind couldn't stop thinking how are we going to get through this? We laid in silence embracing the end to summer.
Outside of Frankie's funeral, i think this was the first time we were out of the house. I knew I needed to go out and start facing the world.

Taking you to Labor Day 2016. An outsider looking in, you would swear it wasn't the same people. We scored the jackpot in the sleep department this morning because Sammy slept in until 7am. We then spent the day together as a family doing all the things I love to do on Labor Day- going to the park, going to Huntington Beach, and soaking up every ray of sunshine I can. We were one of those fun loving, happy, and smiling families on the beach. For the first year since August 2012, i felt carefree again. Running around, kissing my sweet boy, in love with the man of my dreams, and not letting a single thing take away my happiness.

I compare myself to where we are 4 years later and I couldn't be prouder. Proud of myself for making it through another year and another birthday. This was the first year I didn't have something to take my mind off of another birthday. 2013- we were halfway through our pregnancy with Sammy. 2014- I was in my own mind with a baby in my arms that I chose to cuddle for as long as I could to help take way the pain of missing Frankie. 2015- we were getting ready to move. 2016- I wanted to see if I could do this on my own. Nothing else but my own love for my baby and every emotion that goes with it. I took time off from work for the first time all year so I could allow myself to do whatever I wanted. I knew we would make it through this year as we always do but for the first time allowing myself to not be ok for everyone else. Telling my friends who asked how I was that I was struggling. Allowing myself to be honest and open for the first time was gratifying to me. I made it through and I wasn't afraid to show my pain this year.

I want to thank all the wonderful people i have in my life. Thank you to our families and friends for spending time with us on Frankie's birthday, going to the cemetery to visit and have a birthday party with him, donations, flowers, phone calls, cards,gifts, text messages, and just letting us know you were there if we needed to talk. I don't know how else I can show my appreciation but to tell you a million times over, thank you! I will say that this was the first year that I had lots of people ask me about Frankie and his story. This was the best part of this birthday for me. I love to talk about my baby and thank you to everyone who broke their level of comfort to ask me but to also sit and listen to my story and not walking away if I cried. It shows people cared about me and to talk to me about this big part of my life.

It has been 4 years and our lives have changed in every aspect but our love for Frankie and making sure we always include him as part of family will never change. Frankie has made us the best people we could ever be because with every thing that happens or when a decision needs to be made, that little boy in heaven is the person who guides us through.


Happy 4th birthday to you, FPC IV! Thank you for answering my prayers. My prayers that I could get through this because this was the first year I can confidently say that I am making it through with Frankie leading us to living our carefree life again.

We love you to the moon and back our sweet baby!

Love Mom, Dad, and Sammy

Catch up with the Cirillos- February 2016

Life has been crazy lately. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to catch all of my friends and family up on what has been going on with my family.

It started last week that I realized I needed to take a step back and do something for myself again. I haven't had time to do practice my photography habit, I don't have time to zone out, watch my reality TV shows I love, and write again. Writing is a healthy way to get my feelings out through this crazy life. Last week was a tough week for me and I don't cave often but I did. I was feeling stressed with working 45 hours a week, being the best mom I can be to one of the most energetic toddlers out there, communicating/spending alone time with my husband to keep our marriage strong, and keeping a clean house with a hot dinner on the table every night. I know every parent, every woman, and professional has these periods of feeling stressed with juggling it all. After a long talk with the sweetest, most compassionate, and thoughtful husband it was decided that I need to start taking some steps back and get back into myself.

Now on to the Cirillo family. Sam is 2 years old now! Everyone always says to enjoy every moment because they grow up so fast. I shake my head and think if I had a dime for every time I heard that. It is so true and as we approached Sam's 2nd birthday, I realized how this simple statement is so real. Sam is an on the go toddler who will occasionally stop to watch a few minutes of his favorite show- Paw Patrol, Mickey Mouse, and Daniel Tiger. He will insist for it to be on but often doesn't pay attention to it but he does not like anyone else's shows on the TV on. Sam is now 24lbs and 2'9" tall. He will not be making the top of the charts as a kid. Seeing him with his friends at daycare is funny because he is so little compared to them but he is a whole ball of energy! He talks non stop, loves babies (ok, more like obsessed), is silly with a belly laugh at least every 30 minutes, and loves to snuggle with us while twirling mom's hair!

We also moved into a new home in September and it has been amazing! We have little projects to work on here and there but our house is perfect for us. We go on walks, have friends that live close, family within a mile, and so close to everything in a very new and lively suburb. I will be sure to post lots of pictures to show off some of the details that make this house so beautiful and unique.

Now that I am going to get back into my writing again, I will post updates, topics, articles, and share my ideas on things that strike my interest. What makes me who I am will be shared here. Infant loss, grieving, how to keep a happy marriage, parenting, career minded moms, and parenting for children you have in your heart as well as those children who are blessed to be here.

Katy

The Cirillo Family- August 2014 catch up

I can't believe that so much time has gone by since I have last updated my blog. Thank you everyone for understanding. Life with a baby, working full time, and spending all my free time with my boys leaves me with a blog that hasn't been updated in months. I hope to get back on track after talking with Frank about how much I miss some of my own quiet time.

Now an update for everyone on what is going on here:

Sammy will be 7 months old now. He has 2 teeth, weighs 13.5 lbs, loves his mom and dad (aka he has stranger anxiety to the max). Sammy never stops smiling and laughing. Another new thing that Sammy does now that I can never get enough of- he loves to cuddle. As a newborn with his stomach and reflux issues, he was not a snuggly baby. Sammy loves to wear clothes from Gap Baby, ok fine I have an addiction to Gap Baby. He loves to be tickled, being sung to, and being outside.

For Frank and I- work, sleep, eat, and spending all of our time with Sammy. Family has always been very important to us and that is our primary focus. I couldn't be happier spending all of my weekend time with my boys.

August is a very tough month for Frank and I. My emotions are on constant edge the entire month because I miss Frankie. I am a strong believer in allowing someone who is grieving to take all the time they need while feeling every emotion that comes up. If I cry in the middle of the day as I look at Frankie's picture at my desk, I allow myself the time to work through that emotion. As I drive past the hospital where we lost Frankie, I allow myself to be angry at them. As I remember our 6 days together, I let the smile radiate my happiness for the day. I need to be a mom, a daughter, a wife, a friend, and a professional so I needed to think of a positive spin to get through this month. With the help of my wonderful husband, we developed #19 days. For the first 19 days of August, we are going to think of ways to honor Frankie. Whether it is a writing a thank you card, giving money to a good cause, shopping for ways to incorporate Frankie into our lives forever, or buying every little brother onesie I see. Every day has an assigned thing to do in honor of Frankie. This allows me to smile and be happy looking forward to helping others in honor the precious guardian angel we have watching over us. I invite everyone to look at our facebook page for Frankie Cirillo where we will be posting something August 1-August 19.

I will be the first to tell you that having Sammy here with us is not making this year any different. Sammy is not Frankie. Frankie will never be able to be replaced. Frankie will never be able to be forgotten. We are watching Sammy growing up every day and can't help but think how neat it would have been to see Frankie go through these developmental tasks. Frankie would be the best bigger brother a little boy can have. Now his job is even harder because he has to watch over Sammy from a distance instead of being here with us. I am constantly thinking about Frankie and I just hope we are making him proud.

We appreciate all of the patience, kindness, and sweet words that everyone is giving us this month. We wouldn't be the people we are today without each one of you.

Lots of love Frankie and I hope you are enjoying your month long celebration.

XOXO                          

Week 18

Week 18 5/23-5/29

How Big- I am going to have to accept that my Bug will not be gaining weight very quickly. He is 11.4 lbs.

Size- 3-6 months and a mix of size 1 or size 2 diapers

Sleeping- Bug is a great sleeper! This makes me very happy. He still gets up 1-2 times a night but we that is nothing anymore. I get up and not even think about it. Plus Bug is very snuggly at night and loves to cuddle with me after eating. That more then makes up for the lack of sleep getting my middle of the night cuddles.

Movements- When is he not moving! He kicks his feet, rolls side to side, and is always moving his hands like crazy in the air. Bug has always loved the bathtub and now he loves it more. Mom and Dad get a bath too with all the water that is splashed!

Milestones- The thumb sucking, the happiness and peace this baby has once you put music on, great head control, and his constant alertness. Every day is a new day and is better then the last.

Hardest Moment- My hardest moment for this week is my constant concern with Sammy, his weight. It takes a lot but we have come to the conclusion that I can’t stress about his weight. He is eating well, not spitting up as much anymore, and I can tell his stomach has done a complete 180 from where it was 8 weeks ago with the reflux that we were competing against. My tall and thin Bug he will always be!

Best Moment- When I went into daycare to pick him up this past Wednesday and I got a smile that was seen from across the room. Best part, I knew it was for me! In over 2 months of picking him up, I don’t think he realized I was his mom and it always took him several moments to realize it was me. Having him recognize me, smile, and be so content in my arms was one of my proudest mom moments yet.

Highlight- Happy Memorial Day! We had a great weekend with friends, family, and as a family with the 3 of us. It is important for me to always tell Sammy the importance of holidays. To celebrate Memorial Day, we took him to a parade to pay our respects to a few of the millions of Veterans that have fought for us. To be able to explain this to him year after year the importance of this day, I want him to know that this was something that was explained from the very beginning.

 

Weel 14

Week 14 4/18-4/24

How Big- at least 12.5lbs. Can’t wait for the weigh in next week at the Dr’s office.

Clothing Size- Same

Sleeping- Doing great still! Although my sleeping in 3-4 hour stretches every night is starting to make me very tired, I am not even going to complain about that. Having children means that your nights of sleeping without a wakeup are done for about the next 18 years! I am ok with this!

Movements- Summersault is so close to happening. Head control for him is great and we carry him facing outwards around the house now so he can control his head on his own and see everything around him going on. He hates being carried any other way but forward facing.

Milestones- HAPPY EASTER!! Sammy went on his first road trip. He did really well for the most part in the car. We were happy to bring him to Erie to visit Frank’s family. Sammy had some cranky periods while we were there that took him awhile to get out of. Meeting all the new people and being in places that he doesn’t recognize was hard on him but we wouldn’t have had it any other way. The entire Cirillo family was so great to us and the love that was shown to Sammy was amazing.

Hardest Moment- I am having a hard time letting go of my baby. The second I hear him crying or I notice that he needs something; I want to go running to him to do it. It has been hard but I need to make a conscious effort to try to open up to allowing Frank to help more. Part of me always wants Sammy to always need me. I know he will but other people can help him as well. There is no award at the end for Wonder Mom that is given to the moms who do everything. I need to stop pretending that there is and not be afraid to ask for help.

Best Moment- Sammy’s personality just keeps coming out. He smiles so easily now and there are a few statements that you can say or moves that you can do for him that make him laugh and smile. Now that he is able to laugh and smile, I feel that is an indication that he truly is a happy baby. I questioned if he was a happy baby for so long because of his reflux concerns and colicky periods.

Highlights- Sammy’s first big holiday was a success. He was spoiled to death and of course by mom and dad, Nonna, Papa, and Aunt Mo. I am looking forward to when he can understand holidays and get excited for them. Seeing children have fun on the holidays is the best part of any holiday.

Week 13

Week 13 4/11- 4/17

How Big- easily 12.5lbs! I can’t wait to take him to the Dr. at the end of the month and have him weighed.

Clothing Size- Still size 1 diapers, size 3 pants (for length purposes for our tall Bug), and 1-3 shirts/sleepers.

Sleeping- GREAT! Couldn’t ask for more in this department. Even though he still gets up about 2 times a night, I am relieved the crib worked out so well. Also at daycare this week, he took 4 hour naps twice this week.

Movements- I said it here first; Bug will do a summersault before he rolls over from tummy to back. He is soooo close to doing a summersault.

Milestones- 3 MONTHS OLD this week! Grow Sammy… GROW! I have no idea where the last 3 months have gone.

Hardest Moment- he started this thing where he will let out one loud and screeching scream in the middle of the night. Just one scream and goes to sleep. I am sure that he is just waking up out of a dream and just freaks out. It is just one scream and he is done and back to sleep. The first few times it happened this week, I was terrified and went running in the room.

Best Moment- He imitates us now. If we make a sound, he does too. If we stick our tongue out at him, he does too. The other night he made the cutest noise as we were making animal noises and now we are working so hard to try to get him to do it again. It was after the sound an owl makes and it could have been his imitating us with the biggest smile on his face and laughing at us at the same time but this noise was THE.CUTEST. NOISE. EVER! Second best moment was watching him have about 10 minutes of consecutive belly laughs. I was upstairs feeding him after his bath and getting him chilled out before bed. The shades were shut in the room and we were talking while I was rocking him. He was staring at the shades and just starting laughing out of control because they were moving because of the heater vent under them was making them blow around. I tried to yell downstairs for Frank but he didn’t hear me. Also, I hope we can recreate this moment so I can get it on video (of course this cute moment has to happen when I don’t have my phone with me). I have never laughed harder at him in my life.

Highlight- Obvious one is 3 months old. Then we had an over 70 degree weekend for the first time since August/September and we lived outside for the day. Running errands, walking at the zoo, going to the park, visiting with cousins, riding around in the car with the windows down blowing the air, and getting out of the same walls that he looks at constantly with his 2 favorite people ( at least we would like to think)- mom and dad!

Week 10

Week 10 3/21-3/27

How big- About 10lbs. I can’t wait to find out how many inches he is. I think we are going to have a tall boy on our hands!

Clothing Size- 1-3 months. Sometimes 3 month pants at Carters. Size 1 diapers

Sleeping- HE IS SLEEPING IN HIS CRIB!!!!!! Can you sense our excitement?!? Some nights he sleeps through the night and other nights he gets up 1-2 times.

Movements- He loves his kick and play piano now. It is so fun to watch him play. We are still working on tummy time. I know it is torture to him but he does so well when he gets really mad. The more angry he gets, the closer he is at rolling over.

Milestones- Loves nice weather days and having the wind blowing in his face. If it is a nice day and we are in the car, he loves to have the window cracked in the back seat for him to get fresh air. It used to be music that calmed him down when he became upset in the car but now it fresh air.

Hardest Moment- we are still dealing with some colic which I think is coming from a buildup of gas. It breaks my heart to see him screaming and I can’t figure out how to help him. Every secret in the book, we have done it. It is the worst in the evening and we just try to not let it stress us out. It can be really hard on the parents because it tests every ounce of patience you have.

Best Moment- my early birthday present, Sammy being here with us! I couldn’t be happier to spend a whole day inside with my boys celebrating my birthday. Dad and Sammy cooked me a great dinner and spoiled me to death with gifts. Best part of the day is when he snuggled up with me and took a nap on my chest. It doesn’t get any better then that!

Highlights- I have never looked more forward to my weekends. I love having us together as a family. I have found that sometimes I need to be selfish with my time on the weekends now that I am back at work but I am trying to make it all work. I think we are doing a pretty good job at splitting up time with others and having our own time as just the 3 of us (4 of us when Frankie is available in heaven to spend some time with us in spirit).